Loneliness is killing me.

I talk to people every day, all the time, it’s pleasant and fun; and yet, it’s only superficial.

I don’t know what else I should be doing.

I still cannot connect to people despite being surrounded by them.

The connection I need, and truly want, doesn’t occur… it hinders all the rest.

It’s a losing battle, isn’t?

Those words always come around. Everything that others have taken notice of and berated me for, I swallowed it up and made it my own. I am what they say, or so I believe whole heartedly. What else could I think when criticism is all I've known, everywhere I've looked. In the time of critical development, I tried to find who I was, what I was. All that answered was the spit of their poison. I absorbed all that was spoken and there, it continues to live on in my perception of self.

I've been looking through blogs of people with AvPD because I want to learn more about this disorder I probably have and something interesting I noticed is how the aesthetic pictures they post all have the same sort of vibe. I will use this AvPD moodboard someone made (credit to avpdvoidspace) because I think it exemplifies what this "vibe" is pretty well.

There's lots of places without people or what would be considered limimal spaces, abandoned places, places where you can... go to be forgotten. I don't know, I just think it's interesting how someone's disorder can impact their aesthetic

I'm just now learning about AvPD recently and after looking into it I think I probably have it, but while researching I couldn't get the thought out of my head that probably 95% (and that's a conservative estimate) of people who have this think it's just bad social anxiety and will die thinking it was just bad social anxiety. But the difference between normal social anxiety and AvPD is that AvPD never goes away. Social anxiety is when you're anxious when meeting new people but after a while the anxiety is gone. AvPD is preemptively assuming every social interaction you ever make will go wrong even with people you've known for a long time and are close with including basic things like sharing your favorite color or song, and even if and when it does go right, feeling like it was wrong and feeling an enormous amount of regret after talking to anyone. I would not be surprised if a lot of autistic people have developed this after struggling significantly in the social realm but just mistook it for autism, because part of it is believing you're terribly socially inept, and when you're autistic it's kind of treated like a fact to begin with so you never question it.

Hello, anon! Scrolling down my blog, I've mentioned before on taking anxiety medication that has greatly reduced my emotions in order for me to socialize a bit normally. Taking these types of prescriptions have had a great effect on me, to the point I am able to converse with others online without being overwhelmingly frightened as I did before. AVPD is a debilitating disorder that affects you in all stages of your life, even online. Having the option to finally talk without being scared in the virtual world has opened me up to the opportunity of online friends. I have a great deal of people I can talk to now being on medication. It does come with it's quirks though as personality disorders cannot be "cured" but "treated". For example, any of these people I talk to are still frightening to me in that I do not wish to show my deepest self as that can lead to what I believe will be criticism. My experience with friends only extends to online and not in real life. I have yet to have a friend in the real world due to me staying inside mostly and of course, the aspect of talking to people face to face offers a great deal of interpersonal contact than say an online persona. Which is scary to me. How I've made the friends I have now is due to a mix of medication and putting myself out to others that have the same interests as me (more so groups, as individual conversation was nerve wracking to me).

As for how not to be weird when talking to others, I myself have not perfected that in real life. Though since I have a bit more control over my emotions through prescriptions, I'm willing to practice someday. Ahhhh if only I didn't procrastinate getting better.

I relate to your feelings of isolation and needing reassurance through online interaction. Having someone "like" your post back may seem silly, though in our case, it's the AvPD(tm) designated way of receiving interaction without the interpersonal part of it. When you say it hurts of how others respond to you, I wonder if that is meaning their response lacks clarity of reassurance? Such as if their text seems monotone with no hints of them "liking" you. That was how it was with me. We scrutinize every detail and find criticisms that have a possibility of 99% not being there.

Creating media pieces and in return getting media attention is a passive way of receiving the comfort of human contact without it being interpersonal, the very thing avoidants fear. A form of coping to not feel lonely within the absence of true socializing. It's superficial mingling, but that's the very type that we like. Socializing without the anxiety of someone knowing who you are and therefore without the risk of being perceived or judged.

AvPD feel, you are touch repulsed because you are in fact The Worst and others may sense your inferiority through physical contact and return it with utter disgust

i think the worst part abt having avoidant personality disorder is how small you feel. everywhere you go. it is so tiring. everyone is always somehow above you, and you are always the lowest and the least qualified

Perks of a warped identity.

Meds do change you. At first I didn't know who I was. I still don't know who I am, but now in a less absolute feral state.

DAE with AvPD have issues turning up to class because of their avoidance? i hardly show up to college on wednesdays because "i don't need to be here" so i leave early, which really fucks with my attendance percentage but i'd rather have a low attendance and an angry email that i can ignore rather than having to show up and sit with people i don't know

A.V.P.D

Ass Very Plump Disorder

i wish that massive insecurity wave wouldn't hit me when they leave me alone for just 5 minutes so here i am going to sleep because i've convinced myself they have more important people to talk to and i'm not worth their time so i'd might as well sleep anyway

smth smth, there are two wolves!!! inside of me!!! one of them low-key wants to do more avpd postin for the shits and giggles, and also to just generally record my Brain Vomit for personal reasons. the other one fears that i will be annoying and ""bring down the mood"" or whatever because i feel like most people i Know perceive me as this tiny lil cheery being, and going Off Script would be Bad, Actually. I'll probably ultimately end up deleting most, if not all of my drafts re:avpd bullshit.

in short: fellas i am once again Experiencing Symptoms :D ! /lh

i tried making my first post and then worried if it seemed stupid or if i should even post it or if anybody could even relate so there we go i think that's an avpd post in itself

Tavpdfw u receive criticism and get that dull ache in your chest

ME JUST NOW..... i almost dropped my luggage lol

The masculine urge to protect cluster c