evernoddingaudience
did i write myself as gentle instead of hungry?
Quinn (it/its & they/them). posts about my mental health. ask to tag but if you're easily triggered by heavy material concerning mental health and the abuse that can affect it, you might not want to follow. feel completely free to block if needed
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Expressing emotions literally feels like whipping your dick out in the middle of a conversation. Like oops that was weird and creepy idunno why I did that sorry 😐
#LITERALLY#this is specifically why I don't show my emotions often#I can't really tell when I'm supposed to#and it's always rather awkward
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#screams#yes i hold truth very high on my list of values#and i couldn't understand why anyone *wouldn't* want to know the correct information
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In the future, children will think our ways are strange. "Why do old people always grow so much milkweed in their gardens?" they'll say. "Why do old people always write down when the first bees and butterflies show up? Why do old people hate lawn grass so much? Why do old people like to sit outside and watch bees?"
We will try to explain to them that when we were young, most people's yards were almost entirely short grass with barely any flowers at all, and it was so commonplace to spray poisons to kill insects and weeds that it was feared monarch butterflies and American bumblebees would soon go extinct. We will show them pictures of sidewalks, shops, and houses surrounded by empty grass without any flowers or vegetables and they will stare at them like we stared at pictures of grimy children working in coal mines
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*modifies my default t-rex hands autism stance to a boxer's fists-up elbows-out stance for better defense*
#this was about my experience pushing through a crowd at a convention but it's funnier on its own#actuallyautistic
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Atypical Autism Traits
The [ original source ] for these is highly gendered.
Under the cut, I am retyping the original source in gender-neutral language, as atypical autism traits do not only appear in girls.
If you are Autistic and your autism matches this profile, it does not mean that you must be a girl; it just means your autism is a kind that often gets missed by traditional diagnostic profiles. These traits were commonly found by researchers in cisgender girls, but they are by no means exclusive to cisgender girls.
The traits are split into four categories.
Keep reading
#here i am#theres only a handful of those that dont apply to me#autism#autism spectrum disorder#actuallyautistic
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I used to be so smart. I was so clever and I was so capable of engaging in discussions and spinning ideas out with people and considering concepts and comprehending hypotheticals I was so SMART I was so GOOD AT WORDS I could put words together for hours and I didn't run out of them. I didn't know more things but I could think... I could think. I had space inside for so many thoughts and concepts. I was so clever
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Having someone "I" can be vocally aggressive with helps a lot. Someone "I" can mutter to. Someone "I" can stress specific words to convey muted irritation & barely-controlled aggression.
It's like "I" am on the fine line of verbal assault all the time. Like the anger burning in my throat is constant no matter how avoidant I'm feeling at the moment.
There was a post someone reblogged onto here about how schizoids have an innate sense of violence that they can't touch.
Others have sworn up and down that "I" am harmless, yet still this bottomless anger rages on and I keep gritting my teeth and humming "I am a passive and docile being".
Because I am. Even when I don't want to be, I am. I still supress. Still ignore. Still function via a secondhand memory of a function that appears to everyone but "me" that "I" am, in fact, me.
There is no innate snap. The trick is I'll never cross the line, because I can't. The hairtrigger is always primed because once, when I was snap-able, the backlash was abuse. And when every defensive move is paired with accentuated violence for long enough, you stop.
I have lost the ability to snap, and now I live on a hairtrigger.
How pathetic.
#BIG oof#yes omg I've never been able to vocalize this#trying to explain to my therapist that I am fit to burst with rage but would not even be able to use a rage room#(the rooms filled with breakables you can pay to smash and whatnot)#I need it so badly but I could never lose control like that#schizoid#szpd#cluster a
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Same here! My best friend has BPD and I find it much easier to get along with him than with other people. I was surprised at myself for being able to care about someone so easily, and more surprised that he wholeheartedly cared about me back.
Like you said, I am drawn to the way he feels and expresses his emotions, full intensity with his heart on his sleeve. I can only imagine the struggles that causes, but it seems to make up for my deficits and allows me to see the world from a different perspective and live vicariously a bit. It's easier to 'hang out' with him than with nearly anyone else because he can keep the conversation going and take initiative with activities which keeps the pressure off of me to engage more than I'm comfortable with.
Also 100% agree that the "bad" traits of BPD don't affect me as much as they seem to affect other people and sometimes I even get confused about why other people are so upset with them. Like I know I'm hella unreactive, but is it really that hard to just ride the waves of emotion out with them?
Speaking for him, I think the benefits go both ways as I'm a grounding presence that can stay calm no matter what. There's not really abrupt changes in my behavior or demeanor that trigger him (exception: there's been a spell or two of intense depression that I ghosted everyone but I'm working on managing that. Which is another benefit because without his friendship I wouldn't have any reason to better myself like that). He knows he can talk to me about taboo or intense topics like self-harm and suicidal ideation without me freaking out, and that I'm not gonna run away if he has an episode.
He understands parts of me that others can't. He knows what it's like to feel like a void of a person, just an amalgamation of poor coping methods and defensive reactions. He knows how hard it is to maintain steady relationships with others. He knows how a thousand little traumas build up and warp a person.
He's one of only two people in my life I can actually miss and I'm really grateful he's in my life. I have, begrudgingly, improved my ability to maintain relationships because of him which I know will be a good thing for future me.
I would be really curious to hear from people with BPD on this as well, I think it's an interesting phenomenon
so this might be weird but as a zoid, i find ppl w BPD so easy to befriend and feel close to. the borderlines in my life tend to have:
- extreme emotions that are hard to hide. i like this because i can see as plain as day exactly what theyre feeling (unless theyre more of a quiet covert bpd, thats harder to see until i get to know the person better) and this allows me to avoid the social bullshit and i can engage with what theyre feeling right away.
im drawn to these extreme emotions because i just dont feel emotions that strongly. they are the 100 to my 0.
- are afraid of abandonment which leads them to being VERY talkative and willing to be the one to initiate engagement (at least in my experience). i like this because im not good at talking out loud so they will do all that sweet sweet talking without me needing to say much. (huh, i just noticed that pwBPD tend to be better at talking in person/voice chat than they are over text. and that is the total opposite for me…)
i think there are other smaller reasons but those are the big two that leads to a lot small reasons. if i were to say the small reasons id feel like theyd just be subsections of “they feel extreme emotions” and “are afraid of abandonment”
these reasons also have their ‘bad’ sides (its literally a disorder after all which heavily affects relationships) but honestly they dont even bother me all that much like it seems to bother most people (i fuckin hate those assholes who treat bpd like the abuser disorder).
like. i get so pissed off about people who just shit on BPD. like…. theres nothing wrong with them? its a fuckin personality disorder, of course its gonna be intense. whats actually intense is the fucking childhood traumas, the prevalence of self harm, and all the shame swallowing them, the fact that they cant just ‘turn off’ the way they feel. its a shitty fuckin disorder to deal with.
if i were to be a little emotional about it….. i would say that… something is just so comforting and loving about borderlines. i like the way they love. their love is so unique. and theyre easy to love.
i gladly invite anyone with bpd (or considers themselves with having borderline adaptions) to let me know if i sound fucking stupid right now or if you find a natural draw towards people are sorta “opposite” to you (like schizoids. but i think certain autistic people or highly anxious, or low emotion, or hell even just introverts)
#cluster a#schizoid personality disorder#szpd#schizoid#bpd#<- also tagging so ppl with bpd can see and respond if they want
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There's gotta be a better way of talking about fatigue cause I'll be standing there in the fucking trenches like thousand yard stare and I explain this as "I didn't sleep well last night." & everyone's just like "lol that's Sleepy Kurt! Why don't you go to bed earlier" I'll kill us both
#if i had enough energy i would snap one of these days#yeah literally#i am so fucking tired all the time man
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btw. to any kids for whom hearing your parents move around the house is terrifying. at some point hearing the door open because someone's home will make you smile. youll hear voices in the other room, or youll hear footsteps down the hallway, and it won't be scary, it'll be comforting. like i dont wanna be That Guy Who Says "It Gets Better" but im almost 27 and ive found the people im gonna spend my life with — hearing my roommates in the house is natural and normal in a good way. i know it feels like everything will always be awful but i promise you WILL make it out of your parents' house, and the life you can build for yourself will make you happier than you ever knew was possible. at some point someone standing in your doorway will be because you love them and want to talk to them. itll be worth it, i promise.
#fingers crossed!#i dont want to be living with anyone else long term#but i hope to host my brother and possible friends at some point when i have my own place
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#and there are people who insist i should be myself#only for them to keep questioning and poking at me for anything i do
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This has been in my drafts for over a year now. That fact is relevant to the post
I've been experiencing an odd phenomena I never have before. My mind keeps sliding off of a certain subject every time I try to think about it. Usually I am very much over-introspective, digging into myself and my thoughts in any way I can, but I am not able to stay concentrated on this topic.
Thinking about it makes me feel uneasy and unsettled for no clear reason, and unlike my usual method of picking a topic and letting my thoughts flow, and time I stop consciously focusing on this topic, I wonder about other things. I find myself easily distracted and easily convinced I'll get to thinking about it later.
Rationally, that seems to be a very obvious sign that something is there. I still can't will myself to pry into it.
I've mentioned to my therapist how divided I feel within myself, and how though I feel that every part of me is "me", *I* am only one part- my consciousness.
I mentioned how I feel a kinship with dissociative disorders even though I don't feel I have one. (I'm getting closer to the topic now when writing this, I find my thoughts unusually empty)
There's a lot of terms for the unconscious part of oneself: shadow self, the id, your inner child. I know that one of the next steps towards being better is to get in touch with those other parts of myself and attempt an understanding. That seems terrifying to me in a way I can't explain.
My therapist once suggested I do some research on shadow work and similar practices. I couldn't read that much, I kept finding it silly, or bland, or difficult, or whatever else.
Clearly there is a realization for me to find there, but I am at a loss for what to do.
On one hand, there's not really anything else for me to do psychologically speaking. There's a number of physical/practical situations in my life I'm trying to deal with, but otherwise my mentality is fairly stable (if chronically bored).
On the other hand, the life situations I mentioned really suck, and I don't feel very safe, secure, and grounded, which may not be good circumstances for any kind of intense trauma work or life altering epiphanies. But if my life doesn't change (or at least doesn't change for many years), then how else am I supposed to get better?
This all feels rather silly, writing it out. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and even suggesting that there could be some part of my unconscious mind powerful enough to seriously destabilize me... It sounds kind of like a movie plot twist honestly.
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"EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL TO THE POINT OF STERILE UNFUCKABILITY. " 1 . // 2. // 3. // 4.
#was just talking abt this to someone#i credit my lesbianism for realizing this on my own a few years ago#the imperfections really make a person#its hard for me to find conventionally attractive people attractive
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emily henry was so evil for writing this and then leaving it in her silly little romance novel where i read it and then realized things about myself 🔪🔪🔪🔪
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my talented wife painted a magnificent mural of me dead in a field being picked over by vultures on every wall in our bedroom
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This post is going to serve the purpose of stating what I know I experience, with regards to "plurality" or feeling as though I'm not the one in control of my actions. As far as I'm aware, I do not have a dissociative disorder and I am not identifying with being plural or single until further introspection and research allows me to better understand myself. I am doing my best to refrain from using any specific diagnoses or diagnosis-specific terms, as this is meant to be clarification about symptoms and issues only, without the bias of any psychiatric label.
So far, the best way to sum my understandings up is to say that I am divided between my internal and external selves. While I mostly identify with the internal part- the part where my consciousness and thoughts reside- my external self has gained such a level of automaticity that it doesn't need my input and operates almost autonomously, which then widens the split between myself. I generally refer to the external self as 'the other part' or 'my body'.
Additionally there may be other parts of myself that I am unaware of; I indeed have a suspicion that there's at least one more chunk of repression blocked off somewhere that I've not been able to find, though the amount of which it might affect me is unknown.
I find myself doing or saying things without being wholly aware of them, and only processing what has happened afterwards. I've never experienced dissociative amnesia (unless you count my childhood), but in stressful situations I often 'go away' in which I stop existing as a conscious entity. I cannot think or feel, I have no judgement or opinions- it's as if time has paused for me. My awareness that something isn't right depends on how stressed I am; if I'm extremely overwhelmed, not only am I not aware something is wrong, I'm not aware of anything. Only after I 'restart' when I've relaxed can I access memories during this time; I can picture the scene, I can remember the words and sounds, but they're distant and have no emotional impact no matter how intense the event was.
Yet, in the stressful situation I am still able to move. I can still speak, I still act and interact with others. I even still seem to make decisions. However, looking back at what happened, the decisions made would not be the ones I would make.
This may get ramble-y so I'll add a readmore:
Even when I am somewhat present, I never have full control. This other part of me has the ultimate say in what we do and what we say. There have been many instances, even in calm or relatively peaceful circumstances, in which I have wanted to say or do something and did not move despite clearly wanting to. This almost always only happens when other people are involved, and not when I'm alone. Commonly, I'm 'awake' but daydreaming instead of controlling the body, which is a whole other thing and also debatably affecting my sense of plural-versus-single but if I talk about that, it won't be in this post.
I have assumed a few things from the way I've acted outside of my intentions. The main goal of this other part seems to be safety (which makes sense, considering at least part of my issues are trauma based). 'Safety' is possibly understood by this part as what I have divided into a few different positions, ranked by how much they seem to be prioritized:
1) staying invisible, looking normal, and sticking to the status quo.
2) preventing intimacy or genuine emotional expression.
3) getting out of the situation, or at least getting through it.
First, my body employs a lot of autistic masking despite my wanting to just chill and behave naturally. This results in an odd experience in which I'm distantly aware of purposefully fixing my facial expressions and tone of voice and holding myself still but it's also not purposeful at all and is often not how I want to present myself.
Next, my body sometimes stays quiet even when I have something I want to add to the conversation. This is especially intense if the conversation is emotionally charged or if the thing I want to say might be too vulnerable. Additionally, if it apparently decides something hits too close to home, the body can even edit a script I've already thoroughly planned mid-conversation which... is not even something *I* can do, so??? I also am prevented from hugging or initiating physical contact if it comes from a place of actual want on my end (which, to be fair, is incredibly rare anyway).
Last is pretty self-explanatory. I always try to leave a situation if I can do so without being called out on it (because staying invisible takes priority), and if I can't, I just bear it. I don't meltdown or get visibly upset even when I feel like it's killing me inside, because that would draw too much attention. This one is not that abnormal and usually something my internal self already agrees with. The action isn't the problem here, it's the fact that I don't have a choice either way.
Crucially, despite everything I've said above, I feel no personhood from this part. I don't hear any distinct voices, no alien feelings, no frustration or disappointment when I try to fight against it. I don't think it has any sort of identity or agency of its 'programming', so to speak. I can't get into its space or understand its reasoning and it does not feel like me but it also doesn't feel like anyone else.
(As an aside, I'm gonna feel like an asshole if I ever find out that I've been trash talking an actual person/alter this whole time lmaoooo)
One of the hardest things about this, and the reason that I've only recently been bothered enough to look into it is because it's also just so helpful. It's so necessary for me to function enough to live. I can't speak without extensive scripting, I can't deal with ever-changing plans and schedules, I can't deal with the sensory overload of screaming children, I wouldn't entertain casual friendships, I wouldn't agree to the social outings or activities that get me out of the house... Etc.
Beyond the external help, I feel it's also necessary for me as a being. My internal self just feels so weak. I don't know what else to call it. I feel like if I ever fully surfaced and had to even look at someone in first-person point of view, it would kill me. It would wash me away, engulf me, and erase me in any way that matters. I just don't think my sense of self is strong enough to face other people.
If I'm paying attention to myself, there is a clear distinction between this phenomenon and executive dysfunction. Executive dysfunction feels like a “can’t” whereas this feels like a “won’t”. When I struggle with the former it’s usually related to task initiation and lack of momentum, and there’s always a reason even if that reason would seem silly to someone who doesn't experience it (i.e. there's too many steps, I don't know where to start, I'm sitting down and I need to be standing, I've arbitrarily decided I can't do this until XYZ happens, etc.). When my body decides for me though, I don't struggle initiating; I can get up and move and I can start a conversation but I am stopped or redirected (or perhaps I should be using active voice "I am stopping or redirecting myself"?) when trying to do certain things. The two symptoms may both be present when I'm not doing something, but there's a clear internal distinction between them. Not to mention, it doesn't explain the time when my body decides to add actions and words.
As with the previous paragraph, there also seems to be a distinction between this phenomenon and autistic masking. Autistic masking is a bit hard to define because it's more of a personal experience that changes based on one's environment. Masking is intentional. That doesn't mean it's always conscious or voluntary, but at some point you decided to imitate certain actions and modify your behaviors for some reason or another, typically as a child. If you can bring awareness to yourself and your actions, you can stop the masking, though sometimes this takes practice to do this consistently. There are several ways I do mask, both through the conscious part of me and the bodily part of me. If it’s my masking, while it may not always be a conscious effort initially, I can change the behavior if I notice it. If it’s part of my body’s actions, the effect I have is limited as with every other action my body decides to make.
I welcome any questions or comments anyone may have! I'm trying to better understand myself and clarify my experiences (and therefore learn what to do about them) so if you relate or have resources or whatnot, feel free to contribute
#syscourse#cluster a#schizoid personality disorder#szpd#madd#maladaptive daydreaming#actuallyautistic#um should i tag dissociative disorders ?#i only tagged syscourse for blacklisting purposes#I'd like opinions from people with DID/OSDD but idk what tags they use so I'll just leave it i guess#did#osdd
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