donald-trump-official
I'm Donald Trump
And I am the only president in United States history who was formally impeached by congress, twice. My only term as president ended on January 20th, 2021. On March 30th, 2023, I became the first president to be charged with a felony. On June 8th, 2023, I became the first president to be charged with a felony, twice. On August 1st, 2023, I became the first president to be charged with a felony, thrice. On August 14th, 2023, I became the first president to be charged with a Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization (RICO) felony.
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I will spice up the deal
You get: higher poll numbers AND a 10% boost to trumps prison yard rally attendance
We get: trump thrown in prison
A trade offer to trump suppprters
We get: trump thrown in jail
You get: higher poll numbers
Deal?
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A trade offer to trump suppprters
We get: trump thrown in jail
You get: higher poll numbers
Deal?
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Update: I have violated my own NDA and am now suing myself
My lawyers told me that I need to shut up and stop violating my gag orders, so I paid myself $130,000 and signed an NDA to keep myself quiet.
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My lawyers told me that I need to shut up and stop violating my gag orders, so I paid myself $130,000 and signed an NDA to keep myself quiet.
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I have the best juries. They’re so smart and beautiful and full of Justice. Just the other day I said, “man, that’s just the best jury ever”, right? I said that and the people went wild. My juries are better than anybody else’s juries, believe me. I have the best juries
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What’s better than courtroom sketches?
Digital photographs of Donald trump falling asleep in court
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Trump supporters: the Justice system is crooked and two tiered, we need a Justice system that treats our government officials and the rich like anyone else!
Judge: ok sure. Mr trump, you are required to be at trial or else a warrant will be issued for your arrest
Trump supporters: no not like that
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Happy “national former president criminal trial begins day” to everyone! Make sure to not pay your lawyers and use the money to pay off a porn star to celebrate!
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“Let the voters decide”
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The reviews are in
I’m “reporter hearsay”. A full two steps below FAKE NEWS
You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful women. I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're the president, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. But yeah, I’ll have a number 3
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My stock was up to $500 a share, I was going to have the most expensive company on planet earth, and then at 3am the Deep Stock printed millions of fake stocks, crashing the price of my company. This is totally unfair and rigged the likes of which capitalism has never seen before. STOP THE TRADE!
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There is NOTHING FUNNY about the geo-deep state rigging our southern crustal border. IT’S AN INVASION
When I am president again I will sign an executive order banning earthquakes in the eastern United States on DAY ONE!
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You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful women. I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're the president, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. But yeah, I’ll have a number 3
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That’s an easy one
Having convictions on a persons record makes the penalties for successive convictions much more harsh
The NY case is the least bad of the cases against trump. As in, the penalties associated with the crimes are probably going to be fairly mild compared to stealing nuclear secrets and inciting insurrection.
But being convicted of those things will be *far* worse for Donald trump if he had previously been convicted in New York
Trump, on the phone: Umm, judge, look. This trial is totally unfair. I have a campaign to run and a presidency to win. We’re talking about a fake news story from a decade ago. I’m totally innocent, she’s lying, this trial cannot continue. I request you dismiss it
Amy Coney Barrett: how did you get this number
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I hate this timeline someone invent time travel and go back and kill baby Hitler I cannot keep doing this
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Trump, on the phone: Umm, judge, look. This trial is totally unfair. I have a campaign to run and a presidency to win. We’re talking about a fake news story from a decade ago. I’m totally innocent, she’s lying, this trial cannot continue. I request you dismiss it
Amy Coney Barrett: how did you get this number
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