disfiguredkisses
Aishite, Aishite.
venting sideblog .. he/they
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I canāt even ask for my Christmas/birthday present.
All I did was ask if I could get a PC, for drawing, for gaming. My younger brother has thousands of dollars worth of gaming stuff, most of it paid by my parents.
My dad was all like āWhen I was sixteen I had a job and blah blah blahā and went on about how I need to start doing shit in my life and setting goals.
Im fĆ¼cking fifteen. I canāt even be a kid. I feel like i had no childhood, and yet everyone expects me to grow up already. I canāt even ask for things for my birthday without being lectured. I know this isnāt normal. Kids ask things from parents all the time. Itās not like i demanded it, fuck, Iām not upset about him not getting me it at all. He is under no obligation to. I just donāt get why other kids are allowed to enjoy childhood for as long as possible, why my dad acts like Iām a failure for not having a job at fifteen. Iāll even pay for it myself.
I donāt know. Maybe Iām acting spoiled. Maybe Iām being unreasonable. Iām just so upset rn.
My thoughts are so scattered right now. It physically makes me sick. I donāt know what I want to do with my life.
I donāt have any goals. I donāt even know if Iāll make it into adulthood. God, I donāt feel like I have the willpower.
I canāt ever win with him. If I express these feelings, he just goes on about how Iām disrespectful and ungrateful. When I stay completely silent, he says Iām disrespectful for not talking. Wtf?? What am I supposed to do?? I canāt have feelings anymore??
Iāve broken down twice in front of my dad and he stills thinks i donāt need mental help, or therapy. Iām so sick of it.
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God, I hate my deadname.
I hate my voice.
I hate my body.
I wish I could disappear.
I wish I could stand up for myself.
#transmasc dysphoria#nb dysphoria#dysphoria cw#gender dysphoria#nonbinary#vent#tw vent#I corrected him last time on my name#today he did it again#and he didnāt hear me when I tried to say it#I hate drawing attention to myself#I hate hearing that stupid name and knowing every kid in the class heard it too
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Nothing helps.
No matter how many melatonins, vitamins and painkillers I take, I canāt feel better. The headaches get worse, my motivation reduces to nothing.
I feel ashamed because I know that Iām digging myself deeper but I donāt know how to break away from that. Putting in the effort seems too hard.
I donāt even know the feeling of genuine happiness. Iām numb. I donāt feel better when I do something about it. I donāt know if things will ever be fine.
Iāve missed so much school at this point. My grades have been slipping farther than they ever have before, but I donāt even have the strength to look at my assignments.
I have to go back tomorrow, and the thought makes me want to cry. Itās just an endless cycle of the same shit.
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I feel so numb right now.
Iāve been doing nothing but crying at the smallest things for the past couple of days.
I want someone to hug me really really hard and never let me go.
I wish fictional characters were real so I could run away with them.
I slip farther and farther away from reality the longer this goes on.
#vent journal#tw vent#tw depressing thoughts#vent#I wish someone loved me like the made up people in my head do.#it never gets better does it .
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Itās people like my dad who always make me second guess my undiagnosed mental illnesses.
I finally have the courage and the words to say something which is a feat in of itself, I tell them everything that is wrong and how I feel miserable 24/7, and theyāre response is to make jokes and pin the blame on āsocietyā and āteenage hormonesā???
I donāt think they understand that theyāre not helping at all. That Iām trying to seek help for a problem that fucking hurts me every day, that rips my mind apart and causes me pain, but sure, itās the hormones at play.
I donāt even feel like a human being anymore. I exist more in fiction than my reality nowadays. My brain is confusing. I want friends but I donāt. I want to be hurt by people I love. And it fucking pains me.
I donāt want to be this way. If I could just tell myself to shut the fuck up and be happy, I would give the whole fucking world for that. But itās not that simple. I truly have nothing, not a single shred of hope in my body.
#vent journal#tw vent#ventcore#vent#tw depressing thoughts#I just want to be happy guys Iām so tired of this#I want to have purpose and substance in this world that means nothing to me#but I canāt stop myself from doubting my own thoughts#I canāt stop myself from crying or reminiscing or hurting#I had a panic attack at school today cause I couldnāt figure out if I was in the right class or not#all the people around me and the unfamiliar setting made me panic and so I ran out of there#it felt suffocating like a nightmare I couldnāt wake up from#my lungs were choked up and I couldnāt stop crying for a full hour#I hid in the bathroom stall until first period was over#I felt so shitty about it afterwards but I didnāt know how else to solve my problem#I just wanted to hang myself.
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I just want to feel something.
I told my dad that I hated him cause I wanted him to care.
I wish someone cared.
#vent journal#vent#I feel really bad about saying that to him but Iām over the edge by now#it hurts so much to just fucking exist but nobody seems to want to help me#I get that I probably sound like a self entitled bĆÆtch rn but cmon#I thought parents were supposed to care about their kids and help them feel better#instead they just bring me down or think the problems gone away just because Iām acting fine#I thought it would get his attention if I told him something that would hurt him#which is a terrible thought but even after I said that he still didnāt do anything#I donāt know how to help myself.
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Today was such a fucking exhausting day. I couldnāt sleep last night because I kept crying and feeling numb over stupid stuff, and I kept waking up because of terrifying dreams where people I know try to kill me, and the numbness persisted into today.
We had finals at school, and I had to give a presentation to my teacher in private because I was so anxious I couldnāt present it to the class, and even then my voice kept trembling, my eyes grew teary and I couldnāt compose myself.
I guess the only highlight of my day would be how my English teacher had told me that she was proud of me for being such a hard working student in her class, and I couldnāt stop crying on my way to lunch. Thatās the first time anyoneās told me they were proud of me, genuinely. A part of me also felt like I didnāt deserve to be told that.
I developed a bad migraine and when I got home my mom expected me to take care of everything while she was at work. Maybe that wouldnāt have been a problem if I was a normal functioning teenager who could take care of themselves, but of course my mom doesnāt give a fuck unless it personally affects her.
When she came home, I had managed to do some of the chores, but she still snapped at me. She called me a bitch straight to my face, screamed at me that she was working to pay bills and I never did anything to help out. That it isnāt hard to clean up after everyone elseās fucking mess. She always uses the āIām working my ass offā card when we all know damn well that she wastes our money on alcohol.
I shoved her out of the way. Went straight to my room. She came in to āapologizeā only a couple minutes after, but her tone of voice and the way she acted instantly told me that she was being completely disingenuous, like she usually is.
Theres no fucking apology for threatening to kick your underage child out of the house. No apology for screaming constantly.
Iām so tired of living like this, but a part of me doesnāt feel anything at all.
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HURT ME
ABUSE ME
BEAT ME
SMACK ME
CHOKE ME
STRANGLE ME
RIP ME
TWIST ME
PULL ME
PUNCH ME
KICK ME
HUG ME
KISS ME
LOVE ME.
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I canāt stop crying
I fucking hate you
Everyone lives on around me and they accomplish so much
And they donāt even fucking bother to help me at all
It fĆ¼cking hurts when your own dad who you havenāt seen in almost a year, mind you, messages you about how the friend you donāt even talk to anymore has gotten their drivers permit , how theyāre doing so well.
Iām right there in fucking front of you. I donāt know how to drive, i canāt, Iām too scared to, and nobodyās there to teach me.
I wasnāt important enough.
I canāt even function like a normal human being anymore
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HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME HURT ME.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I WANT YOU TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME. MAKE MY SKIN TURN BLACK AND BLUE.
I WANT YOU TO HIT ME AGAINST THE WALL UNTIL I STOP MOVING.
#ventcore#abuse cw#not masochism#I just love him so much that I want him to hurt me#heās not even real.
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I wish I had someone to fucking talk to.
I want someone to hold me closely under the warm blankets and kiss me on the forehead and tell me itās gonna be okay and coddle me like a little child.
I donāt feel warm, I donāt feel normal, I donāt feel okay.
I want to feel okay.
Everything looks like a greyscale movie set where the people around me are actors, and Iām just an outsider on the other side of a thick wall of glass, in a box filled with smoke. My head is clouded, my thoughts disturbed, and Iām trapped and empty.
I have nobody.
No one.
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Hi.
Call me Michael, or Mike.
If your sensitive to topics of child abuse, intrusive thoughts, gender dysphoria, and some dark negative stuff I suggest you find a blog thatās safer for you, because this place was specifically made for some horrible thoughts I needed to get off my chest. ā”
NSFW blogs are not allowed to interact at all. I am a minor.
Sometimes I like to change up the theme of my blog and whatever.
You can send messages if youād like, I make sure to read every one of them. <3
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Was I not important enough for you to come back?
I know youāre trying to be a better person but it just seems like you donāt care about us at all, in that country, far away from us with your new girlfriend and her daughter.
Iāve sent desperate cries for help to you many times, moments where I said I was going to kill myself, where the pain was absolutely unbearable and the only person I had to turn to was you, but you told me things would be alright and left it at that. I donāt know if your being genuine or not. Nobody seems to be genuine anymore.
I sent you videos of how mom beat the shit out of me and my brother and verbally abused us. You knew mom guilt tripped us. You knew she was an alcoholic, that she dragged everyone down with her and fucked her own children up until there was no meaning in life anymore. Nothing she did was genuine, she took out her anger on us.
Why the FUCK arenāt you back yet? I have no where else to go. Iām slowly rotting away here, while your enjoying your life somewhere else.
I fucking hate you.
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Am I a boy or a girl, somewhere in between,
Or nothing at all ?
I canāt help think as I stare at myself in the mirror
with my thin hair that goes past my shoulders
That maybe Iām just lying to myself
That the need to be masculine , the new name that I have chosen , the discontent I feel towards my body
Stems from a place of mental illness and insecurity .
After all, I was always comfortable just being simply a girl my entire life thus far
I wonder what has changed.
Iām sick of trying to figure myself out
My family would never look at me the same if I told them
The world would refuse to accept my truth
Everybody would treat me differently, and thatās not what I want
So I guess Iāll choose to be nothing at all.
#vent journal#tw vent#tw dysphoria#gender confusion#vent poetry#Iām so tired of this guys#I feel disgusting in dresses now#I love feminine things but they donāt feel right on me#Iād love to get a binder someday and stop my periods and cut my hair short#I donāt feel wholly like a man though#Iām afraid of telling someone and then going back on it because I donāt feel like that anymore#Iām still closeted about my sexuality but now my gender identity is complicating things#thereās no going back once I tell my family and friends yknow#I hate feeling like this sm#I donāt want people to view me differently just because Iām not cisgender#I wish the world was simpler
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I donāt have an ED but
I get incredibly anxious at the thought of eating in front of other people in public
So I choose not to
Iād rather starve.
#tw vent#ed ment tw#this has been happening for a while now mostly at school#I donāt want people to stare at me#anxiety
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1/17/21
10:33 P.M.
Monday.
I feel so fcking alone in the world
I canāt get over the feeling of wanting to be in the past again
Nostalgiaās plaguing my head but itās the only thing keeping me alive at this point
I cling to it like a drug
Comfort in memories partially obscured by all the pain .
Iāve given up on school
I have no hopes, no dreams, no motivation, no clue why Iām even here
Why the earth exists
Why I was put on it.
ā”Ģ āļø
#tw vent#tw depressing thoughts#trauma#vent journal#trauma vent#ventcore#struggling mentally#mentally ill#dissociation
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