desperatelyneededreminder
memento mori
"Better to be without logic than without feelings." - Charlotte Bronte
17 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
shirleygertrudevintage-blog
Untitled
nepalmodels-blog
Nepali Models
ambers-sims
The Whitten legancy
tropico-6-cheat-tm
馃憫 tropico 6 cheat (free mod) WPY#
thenepetazone
nya bitch >:33
Text
It's better to harm or end myself than wishing for death to fall upon others.
The world has no place for the weak like me, only the evil like the devils disguise in human faces.
70 percent to initiate suicide protocol.
Suicide note #1
3 notes
路
View notes
Text
I woke up and still awake now. It's 245AM.
I fell asleep around 11 something.
The nightmare kinda woke me up.
It was terrifying. I dont know what was those.
They're pretty scary.
0 notes
Text
i am hard to be loved
My tears shed and it felt like the world fell down upon me when the ultimate answer was finally revealed.
Because that is the moment I realized, I have no one else with me in this journey.
All I have is my psychologist who has been with me since day 1.
Since day 1, she has been listening to me attentively and help me in battling whatever hardships that I have been enduring.
Yes, I have BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder.
People say it's the last mental illness you would want to have, living with you, creeping under your skin on a daily basis.
Part of me was relieved upon knowing the answer. The search for the answer stopped, at that very moment.
Another part of me was, beyond heartbroken to know I am suffering from not only this, but also linked with depression and anxiety.
Yes, it finally came to me that I have one of the most common mental illnesses that has robbed away countless souls.
Sometimes, I still hope I am one of the souls that got taken away.
No more worries, no more concerns. All that's left is for me to be awaken on Judgment Day, and enter the gates of hell.
That's the ultimate and eventual destination, anyway, right?
I thought my suicidal tendencies stopped, but recently they're knocking on the door, again.
How?
I don't know. Consuming bleach and harmful liquids?
Hanging myself? Bleed to death by cutting my wrist?
Or the easiest death in sleep?
My dad still isn't talking to me anyway, but what about mom?
She is perhaps the only one soul that is still giving me hope to keep living in this world.
What about J? She'll mourn but she'll be fine months later, maybe years, just like most of the people.
And just like any other human, I just want to be loved.
But I know I am hard to be loved because of my BPD. Because BPD is accompanied with trust issues, struggling with self identity, the need of reassurance, and a lot more that I can't possibly list them down here.
Maybe, loving me is just impossible.
And I know I am not strong enough to be alone in my journey of battling BPD.
But the real questions that linger is....
What now? And can I ever be cured of this demon?
I don't know, and I don't think so. Things do not seem hopeful to me now.
I just want to be cared. Others get it, why don't I?
What is wrong and less with me?
0 notes
Text
the world is fucking ugly
Growing up, I never had much friends, let alone real friends.
But I got used to it anyway, however, I do not deny the loneliness that strike at times.
Being alone sometimes can be great, therapeutic even. But alone is not equivalent to lonely, for loneliness feels different.
Awfully different.
I will never put aside the fact that my family loves me. My parents have done their best in assuring I had the education I needed, my sisters have played their part in making sure I am well taken care of during my childhood when the King and Queen were away.
Yes, I know. My family loves me and that has never changed.
Unfortunately, it took me my entire teenage life and my early 20's to realize that... Sigh. How do I even say this in a rather... humane way?
It dawned upon me that, while I had been well taken care of physically, my emotional and mental well being at home were seemingly abandoned.
I grew believing that men don't/shouldn't cry.
I grew up believing that the elderlies are always right.
I grew up believing that others always have it worse than my problems.
I grew up believing tons of bullshit that have been fed to me to the extent it shaped into the kind of person with a certain mindset, where in this current society that's striving to be healthy, in all aspects, that's unhealthy. The mindset.
I grew up without the presence of even an I love you, I'm proud of you, You're the best from my family, and it's even awkward to imagine getting these kinds of love from the house now.
Realizing I never had enough, or shall I say, the kind of love that I wanted at home, I seek them somewhere else.
Through friendship. Through relationships.
In which both have their own fair share of failures.
Failures that have turned me into the kind of monster (some may say good man) that I am, today.
In my early 20's, I noticed I suck so hard in socializing, particularly in big groups. I think I still am, today. Where I am less than 3 months away to turning 28.
All my life, I have only one friend that have gone through thick and thin with me.
One friend that have been in and out the mud with me.
One friend that have seen me laugh the hardest and cry the worst.
Her name is Anne.
And I love my friend, so much. Without her, I don't think I'll ever make it.
She means a lot to me and I'll take a bullet for her just to make sure she's all right. Literally.
Throughout so many temporary and seemingly-forever friendships, I only have Anne, till today.
Maybe , just maybe, I am socially awkward and I am not good in socializing. In being humorous, in being the star of the group.
The kind of friend that shines the brightest? Impossible.
Relationships have been a real pain in the ass for both me and the exes.
All my exes have their flaws, like all human does.
But 2 of them, were precious gem.
Let's just call them N and J.
N got away when my ego completely killed the relationship, while J got away when my mental health that has been barely taken care of deteriorates over time.
And consequently consumed the relationship as well.
We could've make it till the 6th month. Almost.
And as of today, it dawned upon me that I have failed to seek the kind of love that I have been longing for. In family, friendships, and relationships.
I know, I know. Love yourself before you love someone else.
And believe me, I tried. I tried, I fucking tried but I just can't see anything in me that's worth loving. Perhaps I need someone who genuinely sees the kindness and the good in me and always remind me of them, just for the sake of reassurance.
I don't even know how to love myself when growing up, everywhere I go, people dislike me, people distance themselves for me, sometimes for no obvious reasons.
And the people who had done so, and is doing so,
I HATE ALL OF YOU.
Maybe I am never good in socializing, maybe I'm not humorous enough, maybe I am not good looking enough, but I don't deserved to be abandoned! I feel like an outcast.
I've sometimes imagined myself indulging in a life of crime. And I always tell myself, maybe I will be this extreme when life hits hard. When I really really have no one else, maybe the demise of my parents that's followed by the crack in sister-brother relationship, and perhaps, another destined failed relationship.
Because I don't trust the world. I don't trust people! Given how many times I have been abandoned and feel like an outcast, I repeat, I do not trust anyone.
And thanks to my trust issues, I push people away too.
So tell me, how do I love myself, when I don't see anything that's worthy in me to be loved for, to be celebrated for?
If I am really that good of a person, why would people, everywhere I go, just wanna fuck with my feelings?
One fine day, if I ever fall into the life of crime, it'll involve all of you, who have abandoned me and make me question all day where have I done wrong and less. I'll take your life away, because what you all make me feel right now is hellish.
I remember all of you. I have grudges that date back to primary school.
The kids that stab my eyes with a color pencil and stained my shirt with another color pencil? Yes, I remember you all.
The neighbor that called me names and make it like a sin to be half Chinese, and threw sands at me when I was just cycling alone? Yes, I remember you too. You're just a few houses away from me, and you don't have to try to be nice to me now because I have never forgotten how insulted you made me feel!
The bunch of so called gangsters that beat me and made me shook when I was surrounded by more than 15 guys in the basketball court just because I talked to your girl? Where are you now? A mob boss yet? You're all just a piece of cow dung.
One fine day, when my sanity gives up, you're all dead. Or at least I'll make your life hellish. And the people who outcast me for no obvious reasons, you better pray I stay sane my whole life.
Because believe it, insanity is just one bad day away from sanity. And I've had tons of bad days that I vividly remember, till this day.
And when I'm arrested or prosecuted for the crimes that I picture I am capable of doing, the world will point their filthy fingers at me because to them, this is an act of insanity, and the people that cause this, die a martyr. Die a victim.
You all suck. The world is ugly.
Fuck you, world. You made me like this, you filled my life up with fucked up people and now I am the bad one?
Fuck you. You're ugly.
0 notes
Text
we know, honey.
The lockdown announcement certainly reminds me of you.
Because we both know how I'll be updating you on the recent news about these restrictions.
Because we both know we'll try to find ways to meet each other despite the stricter restrictions (for real this time).
Because we both know, at some capacity, we too, can predict each other's next move.
But we both know too, that nothing matters anymore.
Everything is now deemed... Irrelevant.
Like a machine built to kill, it now finds itself idle.
A metaphor equivalently shows our hearts that have been at ease since the wars between us had ceased.
We've left the battlefield, only to find ourselves trading in another battlefield. Only this time, it's purely emotional, with the complete absence of firearm.
We've ceased fire, but the repercussions are still felt, like it was just a minute ago.
0 notes
Text
riddle me this, riddle me that
When life gives you lemon, you make lemonade.
A glass of lemonade right about now sounds delish.
But when life confuses you, what do you make out of it?
Earlier today, I fell into another cycle of emotional relapse. AT WORK.
Fuck.
Here come the confusions.
I pondered TONS of things at work. But unexpectedly, I did not do so in my fortress of solitude, aka my bedroom / home.
Is it the fairy lights on my wall that do the magic?
Could it be Hans Zimmer that calms me down with his scores from the Man Of Steel and Inception movie, as always?
Or is it the breezy night, which reads precisely at 24 degree Celsius that brings me comfort?
Tomaytoe, Tomahtoe, the important thing is I'm okay. FOR NOW.
At home, I played with the kids, shared about work stuffs with my mom. Considering the breakup is still pretty much "fresh outta oven", being able to cope up at home, where emotional needs are rarely met, is pretty shocking.
I'm not trying to jinx things, but what the fuck is happening?
I mean, I'm okay.
No I mean, I'm okay, but I'm not okay.
Fuck no. What the fuck am I trying to say, even?
Okay, chill brah.
Let's see. At work, the relapse was pretty bad. But was it because I fucking miss you, or was it because the slight feeling of not being part of the group that hit me?
Do I still miss you, at the time of this writing?
Fuck yes. Fucking miss you darling.
When I was supposed to be one hundred percent functioning, I relapsed. I should be verbally saying "Thank you for coming" to the regulars who come for their daily dose of caffeine on a daily basis.
Instead, I mentally spoke to myself , "Nahhh you suck BIG TIME".
"You're such a failure big boiii". "She's having the time of her life without you" "She hates your guts!" "You suckerrrrr!"
Oh that's not all. At times I wondered, why do I have to go through the same failures and heartbreaks? Like, ummm hello? Dear Fate, you do know I am an ordinary human being who's just trying to survive another day amidst this pandemic, right? And you do know I am emotionally weak, don't you? What are your plays here, Fate?
But who am I to question fate that has been written by the Almighty?
I can only wonder if these are karmic cycles to atone for my sins in the past, or if these are part of necessary growth, or some may say, character development. Like, you know, in the movies.
A blonde girl develops into a strong female character.
But really? 4 stages of character developments, when sometimes I even wonder what the fuck have I learnt?
Maybe, I am a loser, after all.
Miraculously, the thoughts faded when I'm home. How ironic. The place where I can't really be myself because I refused the family to know I'm not happy.
Oh that's right. I've always put on masks at home. Masks that I see fit depending on the situation. Maybe I've gotten good in masquerading indoors.
But I'm sure, the relapse is bound to happen again, anytime. And it sucks, I can't talk to you about it.
Like I said, it comes and goes as it pleases.
Fucking bitch relapse.
I miss the days when I had THIS kind of confidence.
The days when I knew my identity, when I knew what I felt.
Right now, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I don't even know if I am going to be okay ever again. (I keep telling myself I will, but yeah honestly I don't really buy that.) I don't even know if people around me genuinely enjoy my presence.
And I wonder....
Are you on their side? The sides that genuinely think I deserve to be alone? I don't know. Even if you tell me you're not, I probably won't trust you anyway. AND THAT'S ON ME. Because I have trust issues with almost EVERYONE. Or maybe literally everyone.
Maybe even my family. Maybe even my only best friend. Maybe even my psychologist. But the fucked up among all fucked ups?
Maybe I don't even trust myself.
UGH. WHAT A BITCH RELAPSE. I think it's coming back again.
Maybe this is a cue for me to seek cover with Netflix.
I hope to God it works.
0 notes
Text
It comes and goes as it pleases.
But as of now, it comes back.
I foresaw it though.
The emotional relapse. You thought you are okay, but the relapse comes and slaps you in the face and says "yeahh nahh fuck you not today."
Relapse. The time you wonder why has everything came to where they are.
The time you wonder why can't forever be forever.
The time you wonder, what the fuck is wrong with you.
It comes and goes.
0 notes
Text
the floral and the weapon
But why did we meet if things are destined to meet their end?
They say 'everything that has a beginning, has an end.' So why do you live knowing someday the Grim Reaper will come knocking?
It's not really about the ending. It's about the process in between the moment you were born till your last breath.
The question is still unanswered.
Why do we meet if fate has written an end for us?
When we began, we risk an end.
Why? Was it necessary for us to cross paths with each other?
You know what they say, things happen for a reason.
Cliche, but I'm a firm believer.
And I'm also a firm believer that there is something for both of us to take from this. This ended connection.
We've found some lessons. And I believe, there is more to be learned as time passes.
For they say, time is your best teacher.
Why did we keep trying when part of us knew it might not work out well?
For me, it was love.
Oh, love. How beautiful can you be.
Unfortunately, you're just not strong enough, sometimes. Yes, you. The little red-colored heart shape.
Your strengths are just sometimes insufficient to keep two souls together.
But you're cruel, love. You choose who you unite, and you decide who you break apart.
Eff you.
You came in between us, like a vibrant and musky sunflower, if I may.
Because sunflower is her favorite. I'll never forget her smile the first time she laid eyes on the sunflower that I had for her.
And the disputes between us, are just like bows and arrows.
Our lips are the bows, and the words, especially the ones uttered with strong hatred and anger, are the arrows.
Because they're hurtful. We hurt each other.
Of sunflower and bows and arrows.
The weapon won. The sunflower died.
In a garden full of bright sunflowers, two souls constantly hurt each other with their respective bows and arrows, until their vital signs give up.
You're not strong enough to keep us together, but strong enough to leave an abundance of lessons for us to pick up and learn from them.
We tried because we love. Until we realized love alone isn't enough.
0 notes
Text
where have we gone?
I open my eyes, trying to see, but I'm blinded.
I call for you, trying to seek the directions of your sweet baby voice, but I couldn't hear a word.
You open your eyes, trying to look for me, but to no avail.
You try to call for me. No answers. As silent as the grave.
Little do we know, we're just right in front of each others, but both blinded by the antagonisms between us.
It explains why we can't see each other with the naked eye.
But honey, we're just right under our noses. I mean, our souls.
I can feel our invisible and exhausted souls, calling for each other, but I can't hear them.
I can feel our souls are stretching out the arms trying to pull each other back, but we can't see each other.
Our souls are roaming the Earth, looking for each other, when in reality, in our flesh and bone, we're steering clear of each other.
Where have we gone?
1 note
路
View note