Trigger warning: violent death/ptsd

So I finally decided to post on tumblr for the first time since... ever.

This year has officially been one of the hardest years for me. Thankfully my boss and colleagues are the most understanding people I know. For those who follow me and don't know, mum sadly died and it wasn't the cancer that killed her in the end. Her exposed corred artery (through a hole caused by the radiotherapy) had burst and it was the most violent qnd most graphic death. I tried to save her but she passed in my arms. Unfortunately as since her death been on diazepam (officially off it now) and seeing a therapist every week and only just transferred to a ptsd specialist. The horrific flashbacks, the horrifying sounds, my mental health hit critical point and then to add to this my dad was rushed into hospital with a stroke a week ago. This added to what's already happened this and last year has made 2020 a tricky year for me.

The sad thing is, I still see mum bleeding out while I'm at work. I still see the bathroom walls cover in blood as I did when I rushed in that fateful afternoon. I'm having to resort to blasting music as I shower so that I have something to ground me, but it needs my absolute focus. One slip of attention and I see the horrors again, from blood coming from the showerhead, to down my arms. I cannot watch the film The Addams Family no more, because a certain scene triggers me. I can go anywhere from seeing mum bleeding out in front of me, to nightmares, to seeing blood on my hands, hearing her gurgling as the the blood came from her mouth as well as her neck. I will say this I am getting help. I am hoping one day I can better, right now I'm seeing the therapist and on anti depressants.

But if anyone is reading this, has experience of living with ptsd, how is it you get by? What techniques help you?

Feel free to tell me, I am looking for suggestions.

New cosplay :) a celtic warrior. I made the wolf pelt myself out of an old mask. #celts #romans #cosplay #transformation #celticwarrior #warrior #historylover #cosplayers #newcosplay https://www.instagram.com/p/CFIMcwCltQw/?igshid=ylqts8lejjy2

Feeling broken? Remember you still have colour in your life. #motivation #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #colours #crayons #colouring #art #artinseconds #quickdraw https://www.instagram.com/p/CAqOe7vH11Y/?igshid=v64221l0t0fj

Xavier needs exercise as much as any other Xenomorph during lockdown! #aliencosplayer #aliens #xenomorph #xenomorphcosplayer #lockdown #lockdown2020 #funny #thisihowwedo #scificosplayers #scifi #alien https://www.instagram.com/p/CAkwumCgHv7/?igshid=a9g7gyrfn32m

Qaleteqa, the lone Cherokee warrior with his wolf companion, sets his best foot forward towards destiny. I finally completed this piece of lockdown art, and feeling quite emotional now as I started it on day one of being on furlough, and just completed it today. #lockdown #lockdownart #finishedart #nostylus #ipaintwithmyfingers #nativeamerican #cherokee #digitalart #art #artist #cumbrianartist #warrior #ididit https://www.instagram.com/p/CAQJlB1lfZx/?igshid=yblkumo06cd

“And through red September, and skies fire paved” the skies are getting there slowly :) I’ve had to recharge my tablet twice today and will be a third time now as it goes on charge so I can continue later m. Once the sky is done the painting will be completed! @#art #artist #digitalart #digitalartist #nativeamerica #american #tribes #nostylus #digitalart #almostfinished #isolationart #lockdown #lockdown2020 https://www.instagram.com/p/CAGKlw7FWny/?igshid=5wjrf4z4tqxm

Sky is getting there slowly :) gotta love dem moody skies! #moodyskies #mood #theoncomingstorm #nostylus #ipaintwithmyfingers #nativewarriors #fantasyart #wip #lockdownart #nearlydone https://www.instagram.com/p/CAD59hfFC9w/?igshid=v6wohq7im3w5

I added a little personal item into Qaletaqa’s possession. As some may know one of my best friends is Cherokee, and has been helping me with my paintin. So last night she presented me with a very personal gift. Seeing as I can’t have said gift until international post resumes, I have added it to the painting as a little tribute to that friend. #nativeamerican #artwork #cherokee #lookcloser #smalldetails #art #digitalart https://www.instagram.com/p/B_75kMTFQMf/?igshid=bwovtgatlxut

Flashback to the time I used to do illustrations for a children’s book. Sold on Amazon! #autism #autisticartist #illustration #art #autismawareness #childrensbooks #books #stories #flashbackfriday #flashback #cute #booksforkids https://www.instagram.com/p/B_7CJqwApJF/?igshid=1t1utu66l6j4v

My lockdown painting is slowly getting there :) #lockdownart #art #artist #digitalart #lockdown2020 #digitalart https://www.instagram.com/p/B_4wLwiAyx9/?igshid=1pt204e7w8yn1

So I reworked Qaletaqa’s companion the wolf. How does he look now? #wolf #wolves #nativeamerican #warrior #nostylus #art #digitalart https://www.instagram.com/p/B_0hZWilqXm/?igshid=1jxik3zjybh37

Always struggle with animals but I think I like the wolf? What you guys think? Comment below! #wolf #wolves #wip #art #artist #digitalartist #digitalart #nativeamerica https://www.instagram.com/p/B_xQdd_lZOC/?igshid=cmgchfsfal6d

Qaletaqa’s chestplate is finished phew! That’s enough for today. More tomorrow! #art #artist #nativeamerican #tribes #cherokee #digitalart #nostylus #wip #followmeformore #lockdownart https://www.instagram.com/p/B_kK03mFn1O/?igshid=1l2bowx7oekz4

So started working on a chest plate for Qaletaqa today! Some good progress finally. #nativeamerican #cherokee #warrior #art #artist #digitalart #digitalartist #nostylus #procreate #nativewarrior #wip #progress #lockdownart #lockdown #artistsinlockdown https://www.instagram.com/p/B_ftbUhF_H6/?igshid=s3yb78o9tzsy

When the little boy snuggled into you as you’re drawing. #love #dogsofinstagram #chihuahuas #doggo #cute #longhairedchihuahua #adorableanimals #adorable https://www.instagram.com/p/B-j1clsl05-/?igshid=gsks1wftqd8i

Little more done tonight. #art #artist #digitalart #digitalartist #nostylus #ipaintwithmyfingers #nativeamerica #cherokee https://www.instagram.com/p/B-dNi-Ml28I/?igshid=17bq60fv46l5r

Qaletaqa, guardian of his people. The painting is slowly getting there :) #art #artist #digitalart #digitalartist #nostylus #ipaintwithmyfingers #native #warriors #nativeamerica #cherokee #nativeamerican https://www.instagram.com/p/B-XQDpxFl67/?igshid=13z7bxhlyo3bb