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coruscatingdust · 8 hours
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coruscatingdust · 6 days
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We lose ourselves in things we love. We find ourselves there, too.
– Kristin Martz
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coruscatingdust · 6 days
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within the calcium & beneath the sinew; I see myself reflected.
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coruscatingdust · 6 days
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“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.”
— Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man
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coruscatingdust · 6 days
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I don’t know how I will get through this world with so much fear in my heart but I have walked this path so far. This is a path I’ve once dreamed about and longed for with all of my being. When we long for something we usually don’t think about all the terrors and pain that come with getting what we want. I wasn’t prepared for all this. Yet this is the life I wanted and the life I chose. Being an academic has sucked the life out of me in so many ways yet this is what I envisioned myself to be. It is my decision and I’m having to live with that. I don’t even know what I want anymore or who I am anymore. I just want peace. I want courage. I want to love and face the world again. I want to love what I do than fear the results from not doing enough, not being enough.
Enough.
Time to go to bed.
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coruscatingdust · 6 days
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Jeanette Winterson, from "Dark Christmas", Christmas Days: 12 Stories and 12 Feasts for 12 Days
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coruscatingdust · 9 days
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Museum of the Moon 🌙
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coruscatingdust · 9 days
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“I need a break from academic philosophy!!!”
Picks up martha nussbaum’s The Fragility of Goodness.
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coruscatingdust · 9 days
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A Series of Seaside Mishaps.
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coruscatingdust · 9 days
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Half way through the paragraph I knew it had to be Wittgenstein
“[Philosophical problems] are, of course, not empirical problems; but they are solved through an insight into the workings of our language, and that in such a way that these workings are recognized – despite an urge to misunderstand them. The problems are solved, not by coming up with new discoveries, but by assembling what we have long been familiar with.”
— Ludwig Wittgenstein, Philosophical Investigations
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coruscatingdust · 9 days
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Nicole W. Lee, from "Even the Dust"
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coruscatingdust · 13 days
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it is March by Victoria Chang
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coruscatingdust · 13 days
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“My thoughts are tired. I am not seeing things freshly, but rather in a pedestrian, lifeless way. It is as if a flame had gone out and I must wait until it starts to burn again by itself.”
— Ludwig Wittgenstein, Nachlass, MS 102 (13 January 1915)
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coruscatingdust · 13 days
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"I go through phases. Some days I feel like the person I’m supposed to be, and then some days I turn into no one at all. There is both me and my silhouette." - Mary Kate Teske
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coruscatingdust · 13 days
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I tried to talk about mortality, finitude, and time at a mcr party and people asked me if I was already drunk. I only had water.
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what i can't find in my life i may find in the bottom of another bottle
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coruscatingdust · 13 days
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yes … (why I prefer solitude)
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May Sarton, from Journal of a Solitude [ID in alt text]
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coruscatingdust · 13 days
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So much of the next few weeks will really depend on my mindset and how I regulate my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t realize just how difficult it would be to present at three big conferences back to back, with no breaks in between. I have so much preparation work I have to do between now and the beginning of April and they are all in topics I don’t really know much about (yet I have to present papers in them in front of experts !)
the impostor syndrome is real and I have so much anxiety even thinking about the whole process and what would happen when I get up there and present.
Some times during the day I get so overwhelmed and think there’s no way I can get anything done. I get paralyzed. I beat myself up. I feel so much shame. I feel incredibly small. I then think about how others might judge me for the quality of work i put forth. I’m terrified of the worst thing that might happen.
Other times during the day, I feel a little bit more hopeful, have a little more courage. It might not be the absolute best quality of work. But it would still be *something*. And I’ll get to learn something during the process. Really, I do think the topics are partly formative for my personal growth (even though they don’t directly have anything to do with my current research).
This is a very strange time of my life. I feel so uprooted when it comes to my dissertation. I feel so lost working on these papers because they are not directly my field of expertise. I feel like an impostor having to speak at conferences where there will be experts in the field. There is something so terrifying and ironic about all this.
There will be a lot of traveling. Networking. Lots of learning opportunities. Stimulating discussions. Even if my paper does not go the way I want it to, there will be some good that comes out of the journey and I just have to trust the process some how. It really isn’t about how I am perceived. It’s about what I learn and how I cultivate a desire for learning. It’s about having an open disposition to the world, undergoing a transformation and expansion of the mind. It really has less to do with the anxieties about the ego but what I come to discover about the world and myself during this process.
This is why both Socrates and Murdoch (the two I will be presenting on) have indeed been helpful figures for me, enabling me to let go of the need for certainties and control but to take on an epistemic attitude that remains curious, that pays attention and commits to inquiry without panic, without asking for definite conclusions. Definitive conclusions might be sought ought for the love of self-protection and prestige (thumoeidic desires) but the love of learning (philomates) does not require such rigid anxiety.
I don’t know if I can present the “best academic work” or present an incredibly novel idea to the field. I really don’t know. I might be doing something simple. I’m taking it a day at a time, doing what I can do each day given my limits. I’m aware of both my limits and my desire for learning, and that I’m a mixture of ignorance and wisdom, a thing in-between, that which is becoming.
And who am I becoming throughout this process?
That is what I look forward to figuring out (and living out) this season.
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