“The problem was she wanted love so badly, she couldn’t tell it wasn’t love.”

— Leo Christopher

“Don’t let your loyalty become slavery. If they don’t appreciate what you bring to the table then let them eat alone.”

— Unknown

“What are you supposed to do with all the love you have for somebody if that person is no longer there? What happens to all that leftover love? Do you suppress it? Do you ignore it? Are you supposed to give it to someone else?”

— Maggie O’Farrell

Its funny because no matter what you done to me, it always came back around to how I was causing an argument. Even now I still have these crazy moments where I question if I was the problem because you used my mental illness against me so often. no matter what YOU did I was always the one apologising in the end. apologising for repeating myself and arguing. The reasonable voice in the back of my head tells me everything you did was not okay, but then another voice in my head likes to remind me of how much of a problem my thoughts can be.

Truth is I have never felt good enough for anyone. I have severe abandonment issues and instead of making me happy and helping me heal you tore me down until there was nothing left of me.

I may be struggling and finding it hard to move on; but at least I'm finding myself again and I guess that's something to be proud of, because I lost myself in loving you.

It's really hard when you think you're healed from something and it affects you all over again. Like an old trigger still has an effect on you, or an old self-destructive habit comes back, or you still have panic attacks or nightmares over something you thought you were over. I know it really sucks, but it doesn't mean that you haven't made progress. It's okay if healing isn't a straight line.

Throughout our relationship I know I was picky and a lot of what I done was to try and push you away. I was always afraid of being hurt and ultimately in the end I was hurt. I was afraid of letting go and my main focus was on the fact I knew in the end I was going to end up heartbroken. I never felt good enough for you, I felt like you were always looking elsewhere. You wanted me to feel secure and be happy but I couldn't do that because you were always messaging other people or creating social media accounts, joining dating websites and whatever else. I look back and I am honestly disgusted in myself for putting up with that, I never would have before you, and I never will again. I was far too in love with you, all I wanted was you, I wanted to be your wife and I wanted to be a family with you. I look back and I realise that I was just accepting anything. I accepted being treated terribly just because I was so desperate for you to love me. I deserved more than what I was getting but I stuck around, but in the end love wasn't enough.

“Just don’t lie to me… please.”

— (via love-diaries)

I try so hard but it's like you can't even hear me when I talk. I ask you to do things and you tell me later or tomorrow. You make promises and don't keep them. I tell you it's disrespect and you tell me you're getting fed up of me using that word. What more can I do? Your family ask you and you jump. It's clear where your loyalties lie.

“And then I think that maybe I was designed to be alone.”

—

It's getting late. Three thirty in the morning to be exact. As I begin writing this you lay downstairs sleeping happily. I wish I could do that. Sleep. I lay awake every night fighting with my sad thoughts. For the last six hours I've spent laying in our bed sobbing my heart out. Why? Because I'm sad. So unbelievably beyond sad I don't know what to do anymore, or how to feel the slightest bit better. We used to be so close, or at least that's how I felt. I don't feel close to you anymore at all, that's partly my fault for pushing you away but mainly yours for not being there and causing me to push you away in the first place. I mean, you're there physically, as in, we live in the same house together and you're always home when you're not at work, however you're not really "there" as such. Not in the way I've needed you to be there that's for sure. The past few weeks it's just been me myself and I. When I'm upset I lie and cry alone. We can argue and I wind up crying alone for hours sometimes and you don't even care. You don't come and hug me and console me. You leave me alone despite knowing my suffering. You're never there for me. You never think sometimes maybe I'm on edge so often because of how I'm feeling constantly and you do nothing to help me. I feel more alone than I've ever felt, which hurts because I shouldn't feel alone while I have you. You don't know how much I'd love to feel your arms just hold me sometimes. To feel as though you're finally "there" even if it is only hugging me and saying nothing. It's not about words. Far from it. I shouldn't have to beg my partner to show me love. Sometimes the only thing I actually need is a massive squeezy hug to know I'm not actually as alone as I feel. You never do that though. I have to come and cuddle into you, or just cuddle into your arm to feel even a tiny bit of affection or closeness between us. You used to show me affection but that's a thing of the past now. It's not a nice feeling going through what we did, losing our baby, and my other half spending all his time playing games, again. Leaving me alone in hospital. Making me feel alone, again! Knowing full well how it made me feel the last time. You not paying attention made it hurt even more and you know that, yet you still make no attempt to change things. I'm sick of repeating myself I've said all this so many times. If you truly loved me i wouldnt have to say the same things over again especially when I'm trying to get you to show more love towards me. You might be over our loss but I'm not. Far from it. I've cried more the last few days than I did the first couple of days. I don't have it in me to keep fighting anymore, I shouldn't feel like this. I feel like I talk to you about things and it goes ignored and nothing changes, complete lack of respect on your part. Everything has built up now and it's making me resent you big time. It's not normal to be so angry with someone day in day out. If only you were in my corner for once, spent more time trying to support me instead of going against me all the time. I have no one. No one knows how I feel not even close, no one I personally know has been through this. I have no motivation for anything in life anymore I just want to sleep forever. It's exhausting fighting this battle every day then fighting the battle with you on top. We are supposed to share the load not have you pile more on and make it harder. I used to be able to talk to you about anything. Something has to give and change on both parts. This needs sorted. This is no way to live or love.