been having a tough time.. stuff about it under the cut

writing a stream of consciousness about the past few months. I've been really depressed. I kept getting burned out from my job almost monthly, but could bounce back when I took a little time off. Then midway through the summer, it's like I just got stuck and couldn't get.. unstuck. by fall I had a full blown depressive episode; in september I could admit I was depressed, in october I went on medication for it, and by the time november came around it felt like there was no end in sight. Fall is my favorite time of year, and I felt like I was in a fugue state and missed it because I barely existed.

the ways this showed up in my body are unlike anything I ever experienced in my life before and that was terrifying. my head and body ached like I was coming home from war every day. I was falling asleep at the wheel, and it was a recurring pattern; my body was shutting itself off when the thought of what I'd have to deal with at work was becoming too much. I burst into tears whenever I saw my friends post pics hanging out and wished I could live closer and see them more. I felt so overwhelmed and empty, I needed everything to stop and I wanted to disappear.

my job is fucking hard. I try not to talk about it on here, but I work with people who are hurting and traumatized. I regularly have to tell them when I believe the choices they're making are going to wind up killing them. I have to tell them the last things they want to hear and still hope they trust me. The average burnout rate at my job is 2 years, I've been there for 16 months. I'm 24 and the youngest one there by a long shot. I know I'm good at what I do, but still feel way in over my head, I feel like I don't get to be my age. I've thought about quitting but I don't think I have it in me to leave and start over somewhere new just yet, not now. I feel trapped because as hard as the work is, I get way better amenities there than at most other places; this place is basically as good as it gets where I live and it's still killing me.

even tho I know how severe things were getting, I feel so guilty for ways I fell off the face of the earth. I stopped talking to friends, family, coworkers, pretty much everyone. I bailed on linktober and a bunch of other art projects I lined up and thought I had the energy to pull off. In general I just feel like a failure even though I know that isn't true.

I broke down hard and took a leave of absence, I get a few weeks off from my job. I've been off for 10 days and as badly as I've wanted to draw the idea also makes me want to jump out of my skin. So I'm taking time and hoping it comes back while I pull myself together.

I could use some advice or wisdom from anyone who has been through this in any capacity. Even silly stuff in my inbox would make my day. Tumblr was my comfort place when I was a kid and I think it will do me good to be able to look back on this post after I've worked through this and I'm doing better. Thanks for reading all of this if you did, it means a lot <3

Linktober day 12 - princess mipha!

it's on my to-do list to make a more robust "about me" thing because i've realized that i'm basically an enigma on my own blog lol

Linktober day 11 - monsters

Linktober day 10 - zelda

Linktober day 9 - deity

Thank you @rae-nell !! tonight maple is taking over the blog lol

I adopted maple last year and I actually know next to nothing about her. she’s approximately 2-3 years old, we think she’s a maine coon/tabby mix. I live in new england and she came from somewhere in the midwest, she was a stray living in a trailer park. she has had babies.

I sometimes wonder what her old life was like, and how many people she crossed paths with in her short existence before coming into my life. she used to be skittish but now is very silly, loving, and seems content sticking by me. I’m very lucky to have her :)

it’s maple’s 1st halloween so I crocheted her a costume she is pancakes

Linktober day 7 - sky island

Linktober day 8 - constructs

Linktober day 6 - mask

linktober day 5 - species/race: the sheikah

Linktober day 4 - sage

a commission for @zellink thank you again for your vision ♥

Linktober day 2 - temple

Linktober day 1 - merchant

just a heads up that my linktobers are not going to be posted in chronological order because that's just who i am as a person lol