Warrior Nun

Really fucked me over. I’m currently 17 months in a healthy straight relationship but after watching Warrior Nun I’m reminding of how much I wish I dated a girl and how much I wish to be loved in the way that is portrayed in movies. 

Yes... its idealistic to want something that  movie or show has but to some degree it is real. there are instances like that and there is a kind of love like that.

In my own experience as a bisexual, the feeling of loving a girl versus loving a guy feels so different. Is it the approach? Is it the feeling of connectivity? Or the fact that women just seem sexier to me? There was only one person I loved who slightly reciprocated.. and it was a very difficult but amazing feeling. The love I watch from queer and in particular lesbian relationships is really relatable and I feel like I have gone through similar or the same things. part of me misses it and I feel guilty for it. 

I dont think its okay to feel this sad.. that I’ll never get to date a girl because i’m dating a guy who really loves me and I can see a future with. This longing really sucks but this longing might also just be cause I want more content and warrior nun is cancelled.

Day 1 - Self Healing

Here goes to the month of not talking to you and working on myself. I was going to do this on my main tumblr but I think i might choose to do it here since its more fitting with “chaotic relapse” 

Will update soon.

via @extramadness

Making more than I ever was before but somehow it's still not enough.

That’s how I always thought. 

via @extramadness

You have absolutely no idea what I’ve had to go through loving you. I don’t think you can ever understand it unless you experienced it yourself and our situations will always be different. 

When I think how double-standard and one-sided things are ... I get so fed up.

The only lie I ever want to live is the one I tell myself. Not one other’s make for me.

Re-teaching myself how to love you, without it hurting so much.

To the extent where we can still be best friends and to the extent where my heart can be content with where I am, who we are, and what our currently reality is.

There are certain question’s I do not ask because I know for the most part, I do not want to know the answer to. I’ll likely get upset in some way or another but when I do hear the answer to the question I do not ask - I am reminded by my mental and emotional state that I'm letting this thing, this fact, affect my mood. It’s not a big thing, but its big enough to impact me in a way that I feel worse about myself or that “I’m not enough”. 

Which also reminds me that I always have to hit a certain threshold of pain or annoyance to make me want to stop caring anymore. I look back and think how  unnecessary these feelings are. How pointless it is and how much it’s just not worth all this negativity.  

I’m so tired of feeling like shit.

Honestly, I have nothing against the either of you individually. I just don’t like the two of you together. That’s it. The idea and/or fact you two are together is fine. Not a big deal. Seeing you together being couplely ... just not a fan of. 

It’s just how it is and I just gotta deal with it but I realized it must be nice not having to experience what I have to go through. If the roles were reversed I’m sure the reaction and interactions would be very different.

via @extramadness

I think I'll always feel like I had it worse.

In moments where you feel like Im happier with him or feel like I put him as a priority over you or that hes more important to me than you are... I get annoyed because

1 - thats not true and

2 - when you were in a relationship you made it clear that you put your relationship first before friends. They will always come first along with family. And you also made it clear that I was below them. However, for me thats not always the case. Regardless of who I date you will always be important to me and Ive voiced that out many times before. There may be moments I prioritize them but to be fair if you can prioritize them I should be able to too.

3 - you KNOW that I have hangouts where I’m happier with you than him.

The way change of mood you feel when I talk about him, hang out with him, are the SAME feelings I had when you talk about Austyn. How do you think I felt? Shitty. But even shittier knowing I don’t matter to you as much because hes your bf. If it bothered me I would always just have to "deal with it" because you prioritizing your bf is expected. Sure there are exceptions like if I’m going thru shit. But other than that, that’s just how things were. If i was upset about it, I had no right to be upset because like you said, what place am I to be upset? Its not like we're dating. And I remember you saying this at least twice because it hurt and I just had to suck it up.

I understood why you felt these things in the beginning of the year. During the whole tinder phase of me being a shit friend but also the fact that you liked me. "LIKED" but you don’t like me in that way anymore... so why.

During the times I questioned where I stand in your life or when I piss you off to the point I worry our friendship will end, you told me to just remember as long as I don’t let that argument we had for that 3 weeks happen again or do whatever Michelle did to you back then or stab you in someway then we will be good. Took me a while but I took those words to heart and has helped multiple times. The only times it hasn’t this year is when you second guess on staying ‘best friends’, friends, talking to each other ever again, or hanging out ever again. Anytime you voiced out cutting ties ... I try to remember the words you say but how can I ‘trust’ or believe those words when things like this keep happening. I don’t know how you feel and I don’t think you do either when your answers to “Do you mean forever?” are “I dont know”. 

You give no words of reassurance even when I need it. There was a time where I complimented you or our hangout in some way and I asked “isn’t it obvious”? and you responded “I know, but its nice to hear it every once in a while” and I agree. It is nice hearing something nice for once or just reminding the other person you like being in the company of that person - but I feel like I”m always the one telling you and reminding you how much I enjoy spending time with you and as I say them through long paragraph messages all you respond with is an okay or switch to another topic. There is no response back if you feel the same way and its just a thanks. I have no indication whether or not you feel the same way and I have no reassurance or knowledge of it. I understand that actions can be greater than words and you’re not very vocal in expressing it so I observe those actions. If you’re laughing, thats a good sign. If you’re not angry even better sign. But sometimes actions can be deceiving and there is a deeper meaning. But also its nice to hear once in a while something nice. But I don’t realy ever get that from you. I always have to ask if you actually enjoy hanging out with me and its just a yes. 

Why is everything so one-sided with you. friendship is a two way street, so why does it constantly feel like I’m making more sacrifices than you. Why does it feel so unfair. You can get mad at me but I can’t? And even if I do, it becomes “well that’s on you”. 

The next time you say it ... if it ever occurs again. I’ll listen.

I’m doing too much to stop something from happening that we never actually get to try and see if it works. It’s almost like not letting someone break up with you because you don’t want them to and that’s not right. 

It’s not that I’m tired of fighting for our friendship, its that I’ve been too greedy in trying to make something work when it isn’t. Because of my own fear of having it truly be the last time. If it’s not working something needs to change. And maybe giving you the space you need is that change. 

There’s a lot more I want to say but I’ll save it for the next post.

ONE of the problem’s is that I am TOO physically attracted to you. x_x I fantasize and I wonder. And the curiosity I have as to how far I can go makes me want to make a move on you all the time. To see what makes your body tick and the joy I feel when I see your body talk - responding to what I’m doing and often wanting more. It’s hot. It’s really, REALLY hot. 

I’m definitely able to control my emotions better than before but when I’m with you I have a habit of forgetting everyone else in the world and all I see is you and me. And that’s the other problem I have - forgetting everything and everyone else. Only thinking about where I am, who I’m with, and what I want to do to/with you. My self control feel’s like it’s been lacking and that’s definitely something I need to work on :/ It’s a lot easier said than done. 

My “annoying” habits. I don’t think you realize just how hard it is to get over someone you talk to ALMOST everyday, someone you work with, someone who loves or is interested in someone else, and someone who used to like you. 

Its hard. It’s really hard. To put your friendship above what you want while respecting their feelings and decisions but also accepting these memories/moments you shared are done. Even if I’ve accepted everything - these habits I formed during our time together don’t just magically disappear. To have an unrequited love be even the slightest bit reciprocated is honestly mind blowing and in the most cliche way “a dream come true”. A dream that would normally stay as a dream yenno? It’s rare. 

My comfortability with you is high, my body acts instinctively because closeness does not bother me and it didn’t seem to bother you. So I don’t really pick it up until you mention it. I normally don’t act upon being physically close with someone unless they start first. It could simply be leaning on my back/shoulder, sudden closeness and calmness that follows. Then I know where to gage myself. I’m usually quite aware but because we are close I don’t really realize it and I guess act how I normally act with you. Seems like its definitely more bothersome to you when we’re in a crowd. Another thing is staring. I don’t always notice it but I do know I do it. And this is for a few reasons. One - I kind of just look and reflect on how I feel. I think about how nice it is that we’re on good terms or I just appreciate the moment and sometimes its just nothing and I just stare at a subject (you) and day dream or let my mind drift somewhere. So 2 - sometimes it doesn’t really mean anything? 3 - its also kind of just me observing what you’re like in a crowd. Its different setting from usual and I also observe other people along with it. 

In terms of responses towards you - lately I’ve been really busy and only responding when I have the moment to do so. Also I choose to respond to you when I have more time because I don’t like sending small msgs here and there when I do want to have an actual conversation some times. If I’m gonna talk to you I do want just respond when I have more time. And me not responding I’m hoping that you know I’m probably busy like how I assume, you are when you don’t respond. 

Its interesting after having that talk with you when I was obviously feeling lonely and missing you I told myself I’d tone down the neediness and when I become less needy all of a sudden it feels like I’m not making as much of an effort :/ and then it goes back and forth. I try to be to make more effort and then it comes off as annoying and then I tone it down and it the cycle repeats. I’ve been trying to just go with the flow and not think about it and thats when it seems to backfire D: Also a small part of me thinks its me being able to give you space and not be so dependent on you and my way of protecting myself because I get hurt when you’re not around so I’m learning how to cope/adjust when you aren’t around as much or busy. 

Overall what I’m trying to say is all these ‘annoying habits’ or gestures are gonna stick around for a while. It takes months and even years to get over people and its ESPECIALLY hard if its someone you’ve liked for a very long time, is in your life on a weekly/almost daily basis, likes/loves someone else, and USED TO like you. These are not easy things to do and I honestly don’t think you realize how tough it is for me. Making sure we’re good and that I’m able to balance my friendship/relationship and making it somehow work. 

Happy it happened, unhappy it didnt last.