it's been a blurry of a year, moments of vivid madness quipped with periods of cloudy fuzz that i can barely recollect. of regrets and unspoken words, also of pointed words i wished i had never uttered. revolting facades, burning embarrassment, unexpected meetings, and a persistent fatigue that never quite goes away, never quite went away. ...and also moments that shined through despite everything: new experiences and new people, also new experiences with old ones.

and so, the year passed, like any other does.

and yet the mind is still, and the heart trembles with trepidation. it's perhaps a bit dark to say, on such a day no less - i'd never thought i'd be alive still. but yet it's the truth that is nailed dead in this shell of a body.

perhaps because it's the season of reflection, perhaps it's the weariness of living, the things that came to pass now seem so faraway, insignificant. and yet, felt so poignant in that single moment. the pain that only a scar now remains, the burning stress that which cells have died and nights unslept, the tears that have long evaporated and is maybe raining down on a river half way across the earth, the joy that lingers as a shadow of a foggy memory. a lot has crossed my mind just this last week, i wonder about determination and death, of those that have came to pass and those that will in time to come. of predetermination and agency, choices and their consequences.

and of the future, to come.

never forget where you came from and it might sound corny but it's true: you really can do anything you put your mind to.

Brutal Realty, Inc. (2019)

I may be the physical manifestation of evil, but that ain’t so bad.

Brutal Realty, Inc. (2019)

it’s just that i feel like i’m doing the same thing over and over again. there’s no change, no diversity, there’s no freedom. it’s just repetition and I feel empty inside

Brutal Realty, Inc. (2019)

“...you know Madhu, if you observe the sea as far as you can, you'll notice it somehow keeps on growing in the upward direction; and when you do the same with a river, you'll notice it falling in the downward direction... such is the beauty of miraculous nature.”

oddly placed – embracing simple joys whilst exposed to the spokes of a harsh reality. and yet, the man is a dreamer, akin to most when they first learned to dream. but there he was, clouded by a myriad of questions circling morality and truth, pride and responsibility, and still prevalent and present: the ever uncertain future plagued with problems. 

while he’d like to believe in predestination, and the grandeur narrative that swirled alive in his mind, telling him he was alive to walk on a predetermined path to stardom and the like, to overcome all odds that stood in this path... he’d remained on his path: the roadside, trudging a tired, step before another – like so many that came before him, and inevitably would follow in his path.

’till i have the courage to face anything, and anyone, i'll just keep moving forward in life no matter what...

Madhu has never asked for a single thing from me. she has never demanded a single thing from me.

of the unbearable weight of reality and unfulfilled dreams, tumbled in a storm of heavy guilt and undeserved gratitude that he felt in his soul. seeing those eyes, seeing his family, and then, himself.

‘what happened my love? why are you still awake? is something bothering you?’

still she sings her love and support through unwavering kindness and concern, and yet, he was with his unending shortcomings and aspirations. all these years now, all the while. slumped over, a silent turmoil unfurls into a mess of thoughts and new found determination. if not for the things he could achieve, then, at least for the ones he wanted to make better.

‘Hmm... Madhu, i have decided something... i'm going to quit acting. i'm going to stop dreaming. Satya is right, acting is just a great career option for the rich. a poor man like me can never be successful in this field. i'm done chasing after my dreams. i am done auditioning. it's over now.

...i feel that i have failed to keep you happy all these years’

Ardh (2022)

“i leave my house everyday being hopeful, thinking that my destiny will turn around, that my heart will hear good news.” / “oh life, you promised to bring happiness, please fulfill your promise, oh life.”

Ardh (2022)

‘are you okay, my love?’ ‘hmm... yes... i'm fine.’

Ardh (2022)

“I'll just keep moving forward...” / “I was always here... on the roadside.”

this is the city of dreams. there are so many dreamers in this city – those who came with some aspirations but are now no longer the same, and can no longer be.

Ardh (2022)

Most Quiet: Kayla Day

of soundlessly bold fantasies scrapping against the harsh edges of reality, falling deaf on steps untaken. within her there is a detached understanding about what to do, and yet, ever trembling are the thoughts of youthful uncertainty and self-belittlement.

Eighth Grade (2018)

'i just think you are so cool. when i was your age, i was not cool like you... you have all these interests, videos, and just how you express yourself and its so- it’s just so cool and so great. i just think you're a really special person - even if i’m not your dad, i would still think you’re a cool person.'

'...please stop.'

Eighth Grade (2018)

"basically, like- be yourself and don’t care what other people think about you, and just like ignore them if they’re being mean to you about it and everything will work out if you’re just being yourself."

Eighth Grade (2018)

a year passes, and then another. older, not wiser. less alive, more dead. nonchalant and apathetic. there's a feeling that there needs to be something more, and that i am ever undeserving of all that i have. there's a streak of coldness in the background of everything, saying that nothing matters, and nothing will ever matter. we're just fractions of dust in the universe with the audacity to think we should be anything more. and yet, a new day will begin until it doesn't, and i guess i just have to wait till then.

life is too lonely on your own

Innocent Witness (2019) 증인

'don't tell my mum, her heart will break.'

faint recognition and suppressing her hurt in a way that she only knows, water droplets fell out of her eyes even though she didn't quite know why.

Innocent Witness (2019) 증인

there are things you just have to accept. / if you want to succeed in society, you have to be willing to get a little grime on yourself. / you need to be the man who fits the scene.

repugnant laughs and seedy lights, the days mush together as turmoil builds. what had become of his life, and what was it that he was in pursuit of? of ambitions that once was and pressures of the present. somehow he'd walked on so long, he'd forgotten where he was headed, or where his intended destination was

a deadly tiredness and the ebb and flow of his fading conscience. it would only be so easy - and he knew that too. but still, an indignant hurt stirs from within and something seem to weigh down heavy on his shoulders perpetually. it only dawns upon him when he hears those oddly pitched words:

...are you a good person?

Innocent Witness (2019) 증인

If you want to talk to someone who has difficulty reaching out to you, then you have to be the one to go in to them.

Innocent Witness (2019) 증인