Pure Joy

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” - James 1:2-4 

Here’s the deal, I know a lot of people are going through SO MUCH recently…but the last 9 days have about killed me.

I’ve lost a really hopeful relationship, multiple photoshoots, had my oldest friend & first love pass away, and then on top of all of that, today my back window randomly shattered while I was driving. It genuinely feels like the moment I start to catch my breath, the next tragedy hits.

BUT let me TELL YOU…

I KNOW that God is GOOD.

One year ago, this week would have taken me OUT.

I would have been left a sobbing, chaotic, hopeless mess.

Today, however, I can hold my grief and sadness before Jesus, and in community and keep my JOY. Like…I’ve actually kept laughing.

See, over the last few years, I have learned how to dig in and stay “in process.” I have learned that I can be fully grieving, and fully thankful for all the amazing opportunities that are coming my way. I have learned how to navigate the duality of pain and joy, humanity and divine nature, believing and questioning, community and solitude. Ultimately, I have been learning how to hold my life before Jesus with open hands and truly consider the trials pure joy.

Now, I can almost EXPECT that when something goes wrong, it’s because something better is coming…or at the very least, I am growing.

I can practically feel the maturation process that is happening as I persevere.

I want to be fully mature so I can be used to my greatest capacity, and I don’t want to lack anything.

So I’m down for the challenge and the trials.

Bring it on.

Fight for me

I will wait till you fight for me. Till the nights aren't so lonely and you finally see. Till conversations come to us so easily. I will wait till you fight for me. I will leave when there aren't any more words. Won't put my head on your shoulder- And won't share my hurt. I'll just dream of dancing under those fireworks. But I will leave when there aren't any more words. I will wait till you fight for me. I must learn how just let what comes be. So my heart gives up hoping on only a dream. I will wait till you fight for me.

Hands

All I wanted was to hold your hand As we walked and we talked like we always do. But your hand was holding your phone. So I just kept walking- gaze ahead Hoping someday you'd hold my hand instead.

Adoption on mothers day

As I sit here on Mother’s Day, a very single 24yr old, I can’t help but have a feeling.

This year I have grown the seriously (out of the blue, never would have thought this was possible) INTENSE desire to be an adoptive mother. And even more, I feel the undeniable feeling that I will be an adoptive mother to older teens (or at least one). So today, as I sit here praising other mothers, I am quietly just sitting wth my desire to meet my future child. I know you are out there, and that you are probably already born, and I can’t wait to meet you. I promise to love you and help you heal and take care of you while you grow into an adult.

XOXO, your mom.

Stay.

I needed you too much, at the end of every day.

I needed you too much, and you could see it on my face.

When I only had to hear your voice, and everything was okay.

I needed you too much, and thats why you couldn’t stay.

The girl who cares too much.

I care too much.  I care about how I look, what I say, how others think of me, and most importantly of all, how much I disappoint others.  One of worst things in the world for me is to hurt someone, but the WORST is to disappoint someone.  When I get reprimanded, I take it personally, because I offended someone. I hurt someone. I failed someone. I disappointed someone.  How can I not take something personally when I am reprimanded? I don’t understand how people let that “roll off their backs.”  If it weren’t for me messing up, we wouldn’t be facing a problem- YOU wouldn’t be facing this problem or feel how you feel right now. One of my best attributes is that I know how to quickly admit when I messed up, but it’s because I HATE DISAPPOINTING PEOPLE, and if I point it out before you, somehow that makes it better. To me, not being perfect is failure. Not being perfect, messing up, intentionally or not, and having someone very clearly point out WHERE and HOW I failed them is worse than physical pain for me.   I messed up in the tiniest of ways yesterday, even with good intentions, but I got reprimanded, and I cried almost all day today. I cried because I not only hurt someones feelings by posting a video that apparently they didn’t want to be in, but also because it represented my company, and I DIDNT THINK OF THAT. I DIDNT KNOW THAT. But either way, I got in trouble, and I cried. It was SO INNOCENT, and she specifically told me many times that it was okay, but I needed to not do it again, but I STILL CRIED.  I’m 24 and I was crying because “I got in trouble”. It’s ridiculous- I know.  I don’t know what it will feel like to have someone I love mad at me when I can barely even take my boss being upset with me.  I’m kindof afraid for myself.  I hope I’m not the only one this happens to... 

My hair is a metaphor

I had an epiphany the other day: My hair is a metaphor. I was born with a head full of hair.  When I was about 4, My hair started to curl. When I was about 10, I started learning that my hair was actually an important part of me, and who I would be for the rest of my life.  In middle school, my hair started to really become part of my identity.  My teen years, I struggled to style my hair- I always wanted it to look like someone else’s.    My freshman year in college, I was defined by my hair.  On campus, and in my party scene, people would know me by my long curly hair.  My sophomore year, I cut 14 inches off my hair. As I grow into an adult, some days I love my hair. Some days I hate my hair.  Some days I straighten my hair.  But one thing will never change, my hair will ALWAYS be my hair.  No matter what I do, my hair will always be there & will always grow back. I can try to change it, I can try to color it, style it to look like someone else’s, but it will ALWAYS be MY hair. ------------------------------------------------------------- I was born a child of God.  When was 4, I realized I needed Jesus, and he became my Savior. When I was about 10, I started really learning about Jesus, I got baptized. In middle school, I started to really understand who Jesus was - I became “the good girl” My teen years, I struggled with everything from depression to eating disorders, and traumatic family situations. I tried to be like everyone else, but no matter what, I was always “the good girl”, always so naive. My freshman year of college, I was the “Christian” to my party-ing friends, and the “partier” to my Christian friends. I started drinking and compromising my values in rebellion. I spiraled down into the worst version of myself to the point where I didn’t recognize myself anymore, but the one thing everyone knew me by was my hair.  My sophomore year, I encountered the Lord. I didn’t want to be identified by my past self, so I cut 14 inches off my hair to symbolize my change and start fresh with Jesus.  Since then, I have good hair days. I have days where I don’t understand or like my hair, and sometimes I straighten my hair in defiance because I know I can rely on straightener, theres only one outcome, I can control it.  I have good days with God, I have times where I don’t understand or like God, and sometimes after those bad times, I directly go against what I know is right, because its familiar, it’s something I can control. But here is the deal. I will always have my hair, and I will always have my relationship with Jesus. My hair can be styled many different ways, but it will always be there. My relationship with Jesus can look good, bad, or ugly, but He will always be there.  ------------------------------------------------------------ On another note:  When I was 18, I decided I wanted long hair at my wedding so it would be flowy and beautiful for pictures.  Recently, I’ve been a little upset about the lack of love life and I’ve been blaming it on my future spouse “not being ready”, but I’m starting to think I’m the one who’s not ready.  I’ve been feeling the desire to cut my hair again- which, for me, means I need to get real with Jesus again. But that also means I will have to wait about 2-3 years to get married, so my hair will be long for those pictures.  That’s my silly self-imposed timeline... but it’s a real thing that’s happening. It’s a real thing I’m feeling. Maybe it’s time to cut my hair. Maybe it’s time to start fresh with Jesus. My hair is a metaphor.  

Mirrors

I live in a world surrounded by mirrors. At every turn for my eye to see. But, sometimes, in this world of mirrors I look so hard at the reflection, I can’t even see me.

The Pact

I still wear your shirt to bed sometimes. The one you gave me when I was visiting. And I still think about that night sometimes. When I’m alone and miss that feeling.

We will be forever friends, I’m sure. We’ll care till we’re grey and memory is fleeting. But could we ever have been much more? I only know I’ll love you till my confused heart stops beating.

I want a man who loves Jesus... and likes rum.

White wine (pinot grigio) or rum (Captain Morgan). These are my alcohols of choice.  Sometimes I want to not feel so much.  And sometimes I want to embrace my emotion and feel something deeply.  Alcohol does this for me. 

Maybe I’m celebrating a special occasion. Maybe I was nervous. Maybe I was living in Ohio alone and was by myself 90% of the week. or hell....MAYBE IT WAS A TUESDAY NIGHT.  In the end, I’ve been off the “deep end.” I’ve seen that side, and trust me, I never want to vomit from alcohol again. The last time I was embarrassed was a year ago, and I still feel bad about it, so NO THANK YOU, I’m not going there again. OOO taboo. I’m a Jesus-Loving, Holy Spirit walking, Christian, and I just admitted to vomiting from alcohol. I’m HUMAN, and I’m only 23. Get over it. Trust me, I felt worse than any measure of judgement you could throw my way, and Jesus still loves me. So why should you feel any different?! Is it sinning? I honestly don’t know! Where was the line between Jesus friends drinking wine and being drunk? All I know is, I think the party where Jesus turned water into MORE wine definitely wasn’t a “one drink” kind of night... My belief is that getting a little tipsy is okay, getting a little drunk is okay (In the end is there really a difference other than colloquial terminology?!). When it comes to living a lifestyle of getting drunk all the time, or acting like a fool when you drink, losing control of yourself, and/or blacking out, that’s where alcohol becomes a problem, in my opinion. So no, I don’t think me having 2-3 glasses of wine at dinner, or downtown is bad. And I’m sick of is Christians feeling the need to demonize me personally because I drink alcohol every once and a while. I know I’m a girl, and maybe that scares you, but I’m not a dainty little ballerina. I am a tall, big girl, one that’s actually bigger than most of the men that hang out with me. So yes, I CAN handle 3 glasses of wine. Obviously I am being responsible. Obviously I won’t drive home (if its less than 3 hours...you know... cuz there is a science behind the correlation between time and how alcohol affects your body, and yes, it does wear off...), but who am I hurting by feeling a little more loose and winding down at the end of a day, or in celebration?! ...literally NO ONE.  I had a crush on a boy.  I love Jesus and so does he.  But we hung out with some friends and I had 3 drinks and then BAM, he was out. I was barely tipsy, but the sight of me drinking scared him, I suppose.Anyways, he left and made me feel like absolute trash, and I went home and cried all night long, not because I felt guilty, but because I felt judged and SHAMED for being a responsible adult who was having a good time. I’m not about to let alcohol be my crutch, or define my social life, or my daily scene, but I’m also not about to let someone tell me I can’t drink casually and responsibly.

So yeah, I need a man who loves Jesus, but maybe I need a man who also likes rum, and I don’t think that’s so wrong.

The last 5 years.

Here’s a run down on the last 5 years of my life to update you all. I say you all, but really, I mean me...because I’m the only one one here.  I’m going to just be brutally honest here... 2010-2011: Freshman year in college. I moved 1,000 miles away from home. My best friend got pregnant.   My brother disowned me. My parents got divorced, and I fell. 

I fell apart. I fell into depression. I fell into anxiety and despair. I fell in love.  I fell into the party scene. I fell away from God.  and I fell back into harmful habits. 2012-2013: Sophomore year in college. I encountered the Lord and I picked everything back up. I picked up my Bible. I picked up hope. I picked myself back up. I picked a fork back up. I picked up a group of friends.   I picked up a semi-ridiculous attitude although I was completely unaware. 2013-2014: Junior year in college. I got sick.  I got sick of not living in the real world.  I got sick of living extreme versions of myself. I got sick of feeling ashamed about my past.  I just got really sick. 2014-2015: Senior year in college.  I had the time of my life, with a little doubt, and a little fear, I enjoyed the year.

Captivating

Put me in a picture. One with only shades of black. Print me out. Hang me up.

Do I draw your attention? Do I take your breath away?

Stand in front of me. Inspect every detail. See my failures. Acknowledge my success.

Can you see the real me? Can you see my heart?

Am I Captivating?

——————————————— All I want in life is to look someone in the eyes and be so in love that the only way to sum up what they are to me, is Captivating.

I want to be Captivating.

Silly

You keep wondering why you can't move on. You keep searching for the answer. You keep avoiding the obvious. You keep hurting yourself. You'll never understand until you let go.  Silly, Let go.  

Just an honest thought too honest for twitter...

Every night I go to bed praying for some awesome romantic dreams to offset my reality. I have a feeling thats about as close as I'll get to romance in the next 2-3 years anyways, but I'm starting to become more and more okay with that... Anyways, the last 3 nights have been incredible. I wake up extremely happy and hopeful and feeling loved. Then those dreams are followed by bad days. :/ Today was pretty terrible. I don't understand how someone can have so much control over me. I don't understand how I can hate someone so much yet love every little thing about them. I don't understand how I still will do anything someone who treats me like crap. I don't understand why I let this happen. I don't understand why I'm never good enough. I don't understand what else there could be for me. That is why I dream about a place where I am loved and someone feels the same about me. In my dreams I fall in love with my picture perfect man, and we simply live. None of my dreams are actually "romantic" or anything like that, but to me they are. My Idea of romance is when you are completely captivated by someone's every move- when you just love being in their presence. In my dreams, I have a childish& naive love, and i hope its this way when my time comes too. In my dreams, we do simple Things like sit in a park, laugh at little kids and make funny faces while walking through a mall, cook dinner, make messes and have food fights. Sometimes I just sit in my boyfriend or husbands arms (whatever he is supposed to be in my dreams) and just look at his hands and hear his heart beat till I fall asleep. these are the simple things in life I want. These are my dreams. These few moments I experience while i escape reality are why I sleep. I can't help but think maybe this will happen to me someday- I pray it does. Until then, I'll dream. I'm praying I have a dream like this tonight. Today was the kind of day that makes me miss my future husband and thank God that He is saving me for him. I needed some love today and got none. I'm more than ready, but I'll be patient.

Pain

How can anyone have this much power over me?! You walk near me and I can't breathe. Want to vomit. Lose my appetite. Start shaking. And all in a bad way. You make me completely and utterly miserable. Seriously. It's not worth it anymore. This is horrible and you don't even care. Guess I never even mattered. Pain.

Far away.

Far away-Far away. I want to go far away. - Ingrid Michaelson Someone go on a random road-trip with me? I want to just get in the car, talk, and drive. Next weekend. I'm doing it.

Believing in beautiful days.

I love my city. I love the crisp cold air. I love the falling red leaves. I love walking and feeling the wind in my hair.  I love thrifting.  I love walking in the Spirit. I love the joy I have been given. I love second chances. I love moving on. I love remembering. I love making new friends. I love journaling. I love writing songs. I love singing. I love my passion for loving others. I love the people that have been surrounding me lately. I love the little blessings I am given every day.  I am believing in better days. I am believing in a better me.