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The fact that Microsoft Word has to be a subscription is upsetting. I already paid for it why do I have to pay again
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Midnight Pals: the beard is blue
Anna Biller: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of bluebeard's castle
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers?
Shelley: you telling a gothic story here?
Biller: it's not gothic, it just uses classic story telling elements of gothic
Biller: it's its own original thing
Shelley: oh yeah yeah i'll be the judge of that
Shelley: seein' as i invented gothic and all
Biller: it's not gothic, it just uses classic-
Biller: it's not like angela's bluebeard story
Biller: very different
Biller: but let me explain angela's story in detail
Biller: blow by blow
Biller: for pages
Biller: this woman goes to a spooky secluded manor
Biller: like daphne du maurier's rebecca
Biller: with a brooding aristocratic husband
Biller: like Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights!
Biller: and she has a sweet heavenly voice
Biller: like urkel!
Biller: this part of my story is a reference to Jane Eyre
Biller: you guys might not have heard of it, its pretty obscure
Biller: don't worry, i'll just grind the story to a halt so that i can describe jane eyre
Biller: and this bit is a reference to dracula
Barker: oh my god its like gothic ernest kline
Poe: clive, be nice
Biller: anyway eventually she kinda just putters around until her brooding husband poisons her
Biller: and there was nothing she could do to avoid it
Biller: real girl boss hours
Shelley: what, she just gets poisoned?
Shelley: couldn't be me
Shelley: if i was there, i would have shivved that bastard but good
Biller: UM no actually
Biller: that wouldn't work!
Biller: there's a whole concluding chapter about how stupid you, the reader, are for thinking she escape
Shelley: rip to her but i'm different
Biller: so what do you think?
Mary Shelley: i like the bit where you just repeated angela's version
Poe: clive
Poe: no wait i mean
Poe: mary
Angela Carter: no no i can see why she might like that part
Biller: the important thing about my work is to know that women and men should stay in their lanes and follow the strict rules of their gender
Patricia Highsmith: poison's a broad's thing
Biller: excuse me?!
Highsmith: that's how a dame does a murder
Highsmith: a real man does a murder with his hands
Biller:
Highsmith: or a boat oar
Highsmith: see, my ripley-
Biller: oh god again with the ripley
Biller: always with your OC patricia! we're all tired of hearing about your OC!
Shelley: no patricia's right, killing a guy with a boat oar is cool
Shelley: poison's sissy shit
Shelley: i like how ripley does all those murders
Shelley: fucker's got style
Highsmith: that's what i've been saying!
Anna Biller: see, Bluebeard's castle is all about how men are men (evil) and women are women (stupid)
Biller: as opposed to the love witch, which was about how men are men (stupid) and women are women (evil)
#midnight pals#the midnight society#midnight society#edgar allan poe#clive barker#mary shelley#anna biller#patricia highsmith#angela carter
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Midnight Pals: Bluebeard
Anna Biller: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of bluebeard's castle
Biller: it's about a woman trapped at a secluded castle under the thumb of a mysterious and dangerous nobleman with dark family secerts
Biller: but with a feminist twist
Biller: the twist is gender essentialism
Angela Carter: that's hardly feminist, anna
Carter: now, when i retold bluebeard-
Biller: oh you say that now angela
Biller: but i got a secret weapon no woman can resist
Biller: detailed lists of luxury fashion brands
Biller: did i mention this lady has a prada hat, a valentino dress, and dior boots?
Biller: chanel, armani, versace
Biller: those names won't mean anything to you men
Biller: but to us ladies
Biller: oh damn phewww is it hot in here or is it just me?
Biller: in fact, girls, i feel the sudden need...
Biller: to go SHOPPING!!!
Tabitha King: shopping!!!?!
Sonia Greene: eeeee!! shopping!??!!
Angela Carter: shopping!?!?
Biller: we're all going to the mall!!!!
Patricia Highsmith: ugh pass
Biller: what's the matter, patricia? no interest in a girls night out?
Biller: i think
Biller: someone needs a make-over!!!
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Shelley: what's this, you tellin a gothic story?
Biller: what? it's not gothic!
Biller: it's simply a novel that makes use of class story telling techniques of brooding fear, isolation, and dark secrets
Biller: and if you think that makes it gothic
Biller: well i just don't know WHAT to tell you
Shelley: so it's not a gothic story?
Biller: no it simply makes use of classic techniques
Shelley: is this like how the love witch wasn't a pastiche
Biller: IT'S NOT A FUCKIN PASTICHE
Shelley: it's a pastiche
Biller: SHUT UP!!
Biller: whatever happened to sister solidarity!?
Biller: now my work asks, why do women stay with abusive men?
Angela Carter: interesting
Biller: could it be because it's kinda hot?
Carter:
Carter: uhhh
Angela Carter: but anna! what about feminism?!
Biller: don't criticize me!
Biller: i did it for YOU, all for you!!
Biller: sure, your guilty feminist conscience may force you to dote on sensitive new age guys but you know deep down you secretly long for a hot-tempered he-man to slap you around, pull your hair, and rule you like a king!!!
Edward Lee: bro
Lee: bro
Lee: i'm gonna tame this filly
Barker: yeah good luck with that
Lee: naw naw it's cool
Lee: i like em spicy
Lee: yeah babe i getcha, i hear the love witch was a pastiche
Biller: IT'S NOT A PASTICHE
Lee: yeah it's a pastiche
Biller: IT'S NOT A FUCKIN PASTICHE!!!
Lee: [to Barker] this is called negging, bro, works every time
Biller: UGH YOU MEN
Biller: you're all the same!!
Biller: arrogant! bull-headed!
Biller: god why can't i quit you?!?
#midnight pals#the midnight society#midnight society#clive barker#mary shelley#patricia highsmith#anna biller#angela carter#sonia greene#tabitha king#edward lee
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Identifying furries by their fursonas
Fox- this is the default fursona for the default furry, namely a twink with a blown out fucked to death asshole
Vixen- Girl fox referred to as a vixen is an egg, girl fox just referred to as a fox is an out trans woman
Kistune - the same as above but weeb flavor
he-wolf - a greasy guy who weighs 12 pounds soaking wet and wears a fedora. republican.
she-wolf - the butchest bull dyke you ever saw
coyote - manic depressive. always on something. the drug connection at any furry party
Cat- always a woman
black cat - could be any gender but always goth
kitten/kitty - a trans sex worker, has an only fans they really want you to know about.
bobcat - older dude. wants people to think he's ex-military
Jaguar - an older black guy. will probably have the word "black" in his fursona's name
lion - just a huge asshole
tiger - another asshole. old. wants you to believe he's ex military or ex-police, probably a member of the dorsai irregulars. major grill dad vibes
jackal - a huge asshole and a slut. white gay racist, probably transphobic
cougar - either a trans woman or a terf. there's no in between
Horse - white woman who identifies as 2 Spirit or a guy who wants to be stomped on
Pony - gay nazi
unicorn - either the absolute gayest dude you can be or a 9 year old girl. sometimes a late in life transition
Tanuki - latino
badger - either a huge lesbian or an old avuncular straight guy. possible sex pest
Raccoon - nature's greatest mistake. too normie to be furry, too furry to be normie. dilf.
bat - either a goth or a real annoying shit (some overlap). invader zim fanboy. doesn't drink alcohol but claims to act crazy on "sugar highs." definitely has dabbled in webcomics
cow - a woman. maternal. mom friend or mommy dom. milf. possibly trans femme
steer - a big strong fat rough trade gay guy
sheep - mom vibes
pretty much any farm animal - mom vibes
domestic pig - wild card. might be a wet and messy fetish thing tho or a trash eating thing. loves to be stinky. loves to talk about being stinky.
wild pig - trans masc
skunk - either a fat beardy guy who has a tumblr blog about animation squash & stretch or a stoner gal. very straight. the straightest. a kinsey 0. has strong feelings about what the fandom used to be like before there were all these kids in it.
rat - is a huge asshole as a front, probably likes talking cigars
lemur - autistic
sloth - 420 blaze it. will never finish any commissions
chakat - an older cishet man who thinks the fandom is too political & refers to "anime" as "japanimation"
sergel - nazi
citra - the biggest dipshit you've ever met
procyon - furry equivalent of the thomas jefferson miku binder pic. you should not be talking to this person, this is a literal child
weasel - a girl with cluster b personality disorders
ferret - a person who has at least one pet ferret, but probably many
mole - this person thinks they're in a beatrix potter story
guinea pig/chinchilla/jerboa/gerbil/any kind of fat rodent you can keep as a pet - the sweetest person you will ever meet
armadillo/pangolin/anteater/aardvark - smug, contrarian. "i just wanna be different"
mouse - vore fetishist, prey. sub.
hyena - vore fetishist, pred. probably trans masc
otter - a dommy twink, possible enby
bear - gay
panda - absolutely a white person pretending to be asian. probably running a gofund me scam with a suspicious story about how they're a professional nintendo gamer who injured their hand or something
bullfrog - a huge fat hairy straight guy
any other frog - inflation or rubber fetishist
axolotl/newt/salamander - genderfluid enby
rabbit - trad wife trans woman
squirrel - autistic and gay
deer - gay
gazelle - zootopia megafan
monkey - punk DIY artist type, definitely loves weed
ape - absolutely baffling. nothing this person does or says makes any sense. you will be left wondering whether you're speaking to a child, a person with severe mental issues, or someone who doesn't have english as a first language
elephant - mom friend
hippo - a fat fetishist or a transformation fetishist
rhino - an older cishet dude who wants to project a curmudgeonly yet approachable aura
kangaroo - definitely not an australian person. extremely focused kinkster, usually feet or inflation. more STDs than should be possible to carry
koala - an asian woman
virginia opossum - anarchist/communist punk trans man who makes zines and/or comics
australian possum - just here to have fun. wants everyone else to be having fun too. wacky funster. (sugar gliders and flying squirrels fall under this category)
any other marsupial - poser
monotremes - extreme poser, don't even bother
doberman- gay dude who tops from the bottom or a cop (there is some overlap)
german shepherd - a nazi or a cop (there is substantial overlap). definitely a furry raider. he will wear his cop uniform to con and after con will post videos pretending that someone was rude to him
afghan - arch femme
basset hound - racist
puppy - sub, probably an egg. extremely draining. cries a lot
all other dogs - just dudes being bros (gender neutral)
dragon - the furries of furries. like to talk about eating "sammiches" and "chocklit." probably an adult baby lifestyler. they will send DMs that just say "hi." they like to RP and when they contact you about a potential commission they are actually just trying to trick you into RP
griffin - the same as above but also a brony
snake - sissy hypno fetishist
turtle - an old man, probably southern. an ironic grandpa.
other scalies - furry in denial. either a child or an old person from CYD. the world's last something awful goons
any fursona with latino vibes - white
any fursona with asian vibes - latino
any fursona with native american vibes - eastern european
avian - girl who's not like other girls. hippie. vegan.
raven/crow - agender voidgoth
chicken - mom vibes
dinosaur - the absolute biggest nerd. probably has an actual degree in paleontology. definitely dresses like miss frizzle.
any invertebrate - not a real furry, their girlfriend just made them get a furaffinity account before they could get ass. either that or they've never even heard of furry, they just came up with the idea of anthropomorphics from first principles. a biology teacher or weirdo (there is some overlap)
amoeba - this is a troll
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Midnight Pals: The Magician
W. Somerset Maugham: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the magician
Maugham: so there's this evil magician
Aleister Crowley: hell yeah
Maugham: and he totally blew the big game against McKinley High
Crowley: hey
Crowley: hey wait a minute
Maugham: anyway this magician in my story? he really sucks
Crowley: what are you trying to pull here, man? you making fun of me?
Crowley: I'm the great beast! THE GREAT BEAST!!!
Crowley: DO WHAT THOU WILT!!
Crowley: I'LL STICK YOU IN A LOCKER, NERDLINGER!
Maugham: come at me bro
Maugham: c'mon bro
Maugham: do it
Crowley:
Crowley: naw i uh
Crowley: i wouldn't want to bruise my punching arm
Crowley: right before the big game
Crowley: coach says i gotta stay prime
Maugham: also this magician kicks a dog
Koontz: what?! no!
Koontz: you didn't really kick a dog did you aleister?
Crowley: alright that is IT
Crowley: this nerd is going DOWN!!
Crowley: whatever, this story sucks anyway
Crowley: it's totally just plagiarized
Crowley: totally plagiarized from
Crowley:
Crowley: something, probably
Crowley:
Crowley: i'm gonna post that call-out
Maugham: yeah this magician just totally choked in the final play, couldn't even score a touch down
Crowley: hey wait a second!
Crowley: is this story making fun of me?!
Barker: oh why would anyone make fun of you, aleister?
Barker: you in your big pyramid hat
Crowley: what's wrong with my pyramid hat?!
Barker: oh no nothing it's great, you definitely look super cool
Crowley: my hat is COOL
Crowley: this nerd is TOAST!
Leah Hirsig: no babe don't do it he's not worth it
Crowley: sorry babe i gotta pound this nerd
Crowley: NOBODY MESSES WITH THE GREAT BEAST!
Barker: oo we're all real scared
Poe: clive don't provoke him
Barker: yeah i'm so scared
Barker: so scared of aleister and his big pyramid hat
Crowley: [angrily] this is the hat of a man who pulls massive amounts of pussy!!!
Crowley: I get laid ALL the time!
Barker: sure pal
Crowley: like, SO MANY scarlet women
Barker: right
Crowley: CHICKS DIG THE PYRAMID HAT!
Barker: sure they do
Crowley: I
Crowley: SHUT UP
Crowley: I'LL PUT YOU IN A LOCKER!
Crowley: I'M THE GREAT BEAST!
Crowley: girls can't get enough of the pyramid hat!
Barker: oh yeah? name two
Crowley: well there's leah here
Barker: uh huh
Crowley: and
Crowley:
Barker: and?
Crowley: SHUT UP i'm thinking
Crowley: there's Victor Neuburg
Barker:
Barker: victor neuburg huh?
Crowley: no i mean
Barker: didn't know you had it in you
Crowley: it's not like that
Barker: sure
Crowley: i only fucked him to manifest thoth in a thelemite ritual
Crowley: it's not like i like him or anything
#midnight pals#the midnight society#midnight society#clive barker#edgar allan poe#dean koontz#aleister crowley#leah hirsig#W Somerset Maugham
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the rest of this blog post is about the chicago cubs but these first two paragraphs are extremely powerful
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Midnight Pals: Imagination
Neil Gaiman: [inhaling fresh morning air] ahhhh what a great day for a race!
Clive Barker: what race?
Gaiman: the HUMAN race
Gaiman: i was just thinking of the awesome potential of the human mind
Gaiman: and the limitless vista of the human imagination
Gaiman: just imagine! with the awesome power of imagination, YOU are in control of your own fantasies
Gaiman: all you need is a pinch of curiosity, a dash of wonder
Gaiman: and an ounce of whimsy!!
Gaiman: butterfly in the skyyyy
Gaiman: i can fly twice as hiiiigh
Gaiman: why, you could imagine anything!
Gaiman: you could imagine a clockwork alligator as big as the sky!
Gaiman: you could imagine a railroad conductor made of lemon drops!
Gaiman: you could even imagine
Gaiman: a boy who wears glasses and goes to a wizard school
Rowling: hello children
Rowling: my lawyersss inform me there'sss some copyright infringement happening here
Gaiman: ah but joanne
Gaiman: if you check the time stamps, i'm sure you'll find that Tim Hunter actually PREDATES harry potter
Rowling:
Rowling: curssse you gaiman
Rowling: you win thisss round
Rowling: curssse you gaiman
Rowling: not even i am rich enough to overcome the limitsss of chronological time!
Rowling: not yet
Rowling: but sssomeday
Rowling: if only i hadn't ssspent sso much on that fence
Alan Moore: [appearing in a clap of thunder] Behold! The Arch magus!
King: the arch magus!
Koontz: the arch magus!
Lovecraft: the arch magus!
Barker: the arch magus!
Poe: the arch magus!
Alan Moore: behold! the story of the boy wizard antichrist!
Rowling: ALRIGHT i can definitely sssue over this
Moore: ah foolish mortal, observe and know... i never specifically SAID harry potter
Rowling:
Moore: i just said the boy wizard named [mumbles] who goes to school at [mumbles] school of witchcraft and wizardry and fights [mumbles]
Rowling: curse you moore!
Rowling: alwayssss one ssstep ahead of the game!
Rowling: curssse your plausssible deniability!
Rowling: hmmm "plaussible deniability" huh?
Rowling: well TWO can play that game...
Rowling: so anyway the nazis didn't actually commit those documented crimes
King: gosh joanne that uh kinda sounds-
Rowling: oh but you'll notice i never said the word "holocaust"
Rowling: haha i'm too sslippery for you!
Rowling: johnny law can't keep up!
Rowling: they'll never catch JK Rowling with her molted ssskin around her anklesss!
#midnight pals#the midnight society#midnight society#stephen king#clive barker#edgar allan poe#dean koontz#hp lovecraft#jk rowling#neil gaiman#alan moore
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everyone should watch "Century of the Self"
Everyone talks shit abt Sigmund Freud (justified) but not enough hatred for his fuckass shithead nephew Edward Bernays who I'd time travel back to beat the fuck out of if I could
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Midnight Pals: Child Actors
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you hear? daniel radcliffe and emma watson sssupport transs rightsss?
Rowling: i will NEVER forgive thisss betrayal
Rowling: from hellssss heart i ssstab at thee!!!
Rowling: don't they undersstand that I own them? body and ssoul?
Rowling: they are ssstill in my thrall! i never gave them clothessss!
Rowling: i'm pretty sssure that child actorsss work the sssame way as houssse elvess
Rowling: i mean, if they apologized i would not accept it
Rowling: in fact, let me show you how it would play out
Rowling: pretend that daniel radcliffe isss sssitting in this empty chair and i'll show you what i'd sssay to him
Rowling: sso daniel, emma we meet again
Rowling: you might think you are allowed to have independent thoughtsss but you forget
Rowling: your contract sspecifiess that i own you BOTH, body & ssoul, FOREVER
Radcliffe: i don't think it says that
Watson: yeah that doesn't sound right
Rowling: oh you don't do you?? well then just take a look at
Rowling: uhhh
Rowling: [rifling through papers]
Rowling: i know that claussse is in here sssomewhere
Rowling: what the hell??? thisss contract says NOTHING about perpetual ownership of harry potter actorss!
Rowling: how isss thisss possssible???
Rowling: get my lawyer on the phone, they are ssso fired
Rowling: ugh this contract is worthless!! i don't even get perpetual ownership of miriam margolyes!
Rowling: you've won thisss round, children
Rowling: BUT
Rowling: i will fight you on the internet
Rowling: it will be a cold day in hell before JK Rowling logsss off
Daniel Radcliffe: trans rights are human rights
JK Rowling: ssoundss like ssomething a male predator would sssay
Emma Watson: trans rights are human rights
Rowling: sounds like ssomething that a confused female would ssay
Rowling: foolish child, we've just commissioned a sstudy that says child actorss brainss don't mature until 21 sso you're not allowed to have opinionss
Radcliffe: i'm 34
Rowling: [hastily amending study] did i say 21, i meant 34
Rowling: i'm very concerned about the prosspect of irreverssible damage if former child actorss are allowed to have opinionss, so i'm lobbying the government with my billionss of dollarss to make that illegal
Rowling: for their own good, of courssse
Rowling: i mean, emma & daniel might SSAY that they're autonamouss beingss capable of forming their own opinions
Rowling: but why should we believe them?
Rowling: also i heard there was a former child actor who committed a crime once
Rowling: think about it
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Exposing fascist cartoonist/propagandist Han Kristian "StoneToss" Graebener.
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Midnight Pals: Trucks and Dolls
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: the time of our ultimate triumph issss at hand
Rowling: the cassss report says girlss play with dollsss and boyss play with truckss
Rowling: finally! sssomeone sssaid it!
Rowling: lisssten to these incredible findingsss
Rowling: "it is difficult to guess a person's gender based solely on their height and no other info"
Rowling: ok i'm not really ssure what that meanss
Rowling: but the conclusssion that transss people should be illegal is obviouss
Rowling: [reading paper] this casss report provesss the ssscientific, indisssputable fact that
Rowling: biologically ssspeaking
Rowling: girlss play with dollsss and boyss play with truckss
Rowling: because of
Rowling: [squinting at paper] hormones
Rowling: uh
Rowling: ok ssso that's what it sssaysss here
Rowling: that sseemss kind of
Rowling:
Rowling: well
Rowling: i guesss that's what we're going with now
Rowling: yes actually
Rowling: the more i think about it
Rowling: the more obviouss and rational thiss ssoundss to me
Jesse Singal: but mommy
Singal: what if a girl doesn't want to play with a doll or a boy doesn't want to play with a truck
Rowling: oh we will MAKE them want to play
Rowling: every boy WILL play with truckss, every girl WILL play with dollss
Rowling: thank god we can count on our government to make thiss a national priority
Rowling: instead of that sssilly raw sssewage on beachess issssue
Rowling: i will sssee a britain ressstored to perfect immutable divission between men and women where NEVER the twain shall meet
Rowling: and i will persssonally burn EVERY copy of Marlo Thomassss' Free to be You and Me
Rowling: really jesse i'm surprised at you
Rowling: a boy who doesn't want to play with trucks wouldn't be a boy
Singal: i thought our line was that sex was genitals
Rowling: OH MY GOD jesse at least TRY to keep up
Rowling: it's about trucks now
Rowling: or
Rowling: as we call them here in britain
Rowling: lorries
Helen Joyce: dark lord dark lord i have a question
Rowling: i'm not talking to you right now
Joyce:
Rowling: you embarrasssssed usss
Rowling: you embarrasssssed usss all
Rowling: you had one job, helen! one job!
Rowling: you were ssssupposssed to be vetted as an expert in trans! how do you fail that?
Rowling: i mean for god'sss ssake
Rowling: how did the australianss figure out you were jussst making shit up?
Joyce: i don't know!
Joyce: i really did think trans people laid eggs!
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