finally drawing hmc art and all i can come up with are memes lol

i call my parents and say ‘yeah i can’t do family stuff tonight, i got too much stuff to do for school’ and i e-mail my professor and say ‘i can’t do my assignments tonight, work got crazy’ and i text my boss and say ‘sorry i can’t work late tonight, i gotta some family stuff’ and through this triangulation of deceitful excuses i at last will be free

For the last decade or so, I’ve been routinely attending a ride-on lawnmower race. I’ve always wanted to participate, but the high cost of used mowers is better spent on more practical vehicles, like literally anything else. Sometimes, though, the universe sends you a message. And in my case, that message came in the form of an awkward leg of a huge trade-in scam.

Picture, if you will, the humble redneck. They await the approach of big, fast domestic mowers. John Deeres, Cub Cadets, even weird modified Chinese stuff they looted from Aliexpress. There is jubilance, but that soon comes to an awkward hush. An unfamiliar engine note approaches.

My International 1480 combine harvester, all ten tons of it, is barrelling down the highway at a clip somewhere between “tepid” and “jaunty.” Even though I have shown up for a race, I am sandbagging a little bit, making sure that the bets get settled against my vehicle before I show them the might of a fully operational monster such as mine.

Technically, there is no violation. I had looked at the rulebook from every angle in the previous year: it has the correct number of wheels, the proper agricultural intent, and with precise work on the tiller, it can even (poorly) mow a suburban lawn. Is it modified? Oh yes, yes indeed, but I see the nitrous bottles poking out from the rows of Kubotas at the starting line.

And when I leave the starting line, it is a thing of beauty. At least for a few milliseconds. It seems that the wizards at International Harvester simply did not comprehend of a situation in which the frame of their combine would be launched into the air by means of one thousand eight hundred foot-pounds of supercharger-bolstered torque. I had erroneously believed that the loose soil of the rural community would let the wheels dip in, but now I am facing directly into the sky, having twelve o’ clocked hard on my wheelie, shooting flames from my exhaust and whirling vertical blades of death towards the grandstand.

It’s not about whether you win or lose. Sometimes it’s about how many pages you add to the rulebook.

asking myself “could i feasibly parkour in this?” before buying an article of clothing. 

Tell me I didn't just see a Taylor Swift fan call her "underground" 💀 bitches wouldn't know underground if they fell down a mile-long hole into a dark narrow cave system where they will surely remain until they starve or die of exposure

Put in the tags an inhuman physical trait you wish you had

I know most people see their pets as their children but my cat is my roommate. The fact that she's an adult is so much funnier to me. She's had a rich, troubled kitty life, being a disabled homeless girl who got pregnant and was taken into a shelter and lived as a teenage mom raising her five kids. Watched her babies grow up, find themselves in adulthood and move on to their new families. A young empty nester, no husband, no property, no credit, no job, and social anxiety. She finally finds a roommate willing to pay rent, a young lesbian she can trust and become friends with. Except she has to deal with me baby talking her and scheduling her meals and giving her unwanted kisses on her little soft kitty head

one of the funniest things i've ever witnessed happened when me and my friends were driving back from a party with some random guy that we absorbed into our group over the course of the night. my friend, who was trans, was in the backseat talking to him, absolutely shitfaced. it was just like normal drunk person conversation until she asked him "do you like girls" and he said yes, and then she lowered her voice and said "do you like girls.. with secrets?"

there should be an option for online orders that’s “I want my package soon but it is not an emergency if it’s snowing stay safe I love you 😘”

I'm screaming???

Not sure how you could interpret this information as landlords being the ones facing a crisis, but go off.

i dont care what people fucking say we must defend the GIF file format at all costs

big L for twitter