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batfam-rewrites · 6 months
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Batfam During Quarantine: 27 Minutes (Remastered)
Batfam During Quarantine: 27 Minutes
Hey, quick heads up, this is a slightly reworked version of the third post I made for this series. My continuity on this series got really messed up for a bit and I have so many drafts that I still have yet to publish so I'm going through all of my old stuff to fix the chronology of the stories and also put a bit more pressure on me to finish this series. Please keep in mind that my writing skills kinda improve throughout the series, but this one has been the most reworked so far, and there is a good chance this will be reworked again in the future.
Dick: Good morning adopted dad!
Bruce: *grunts*
Tim: Bruce is so stressed out. Yesterday I watched him stare at a page load for 1 second and he screamed his head off. He almost destroyed the computer.
Jason: I literally saw him counting grey hairs the other day. Whatever it is it must be Tim’s fault.
Tim: Don’t you blame this on me....
Dick: *speaks over Tim* Okay so anyway, here’s the challenge, *speaks a bit lower* first person to make Bruce smile gets to drive the Batmobile on their next patrol.
Cassandra: Awesome, how do we decide who.......
Jason: *walks over to Bruce*
Cassandra: Never mind.
Jason: Hey Bruuuuuce.
Bruce: *glares at Jason while slurping coffee*
Jason: Want some breakfast? *turns on stove* How about some eggs!
Bruce: What do you want?
Jason: Nothing! Just to see my *pauses a bit* old man smile.
Bruce: I will shank you.
Jason: Loving this new color on you? You should be pissed off all the time.
Bruce: Go away.
Jason: Okay......d.....d...da...
Alfred: Don’t burst a blood vessel Jason.
Jason: No, I can do this. Da......d.a....dad *sighs and puts his hand on the stove* AHHH, FUCKER!
Bruce: Jason, are you okay!
Jason: GET AWAY FROM ME, I CAN DO THIS BY MYSELF BRUCE! *quickly runs to the bathroom to run cold water over his hand*
Duke: Well that was entertaining!
Cassandra: *lays head on Bruce’s shoulder and hugs him*
Bruce: *hugs Cassandra back but no smile*
Damian: Father, I brought you a gift. *pulls out a picture of the entire batfamily together*
Bruce: *Bruce smiles* Thanks Damian, that’s really thoughtful of you.
Damian: *turns towards everyone and points* YES SUCK IT LOSERS!
Daily Briefing
Dick: Okay, so we have reached a low point of criminal activity for Gotham City which is a good thing.
Cassandra: A bit funny how it took a pandemic to make Gotham a bit peaceful.
Dick: Exactly my point. Now, with that said, we will still be doing patrols starting at 11. Tim, this is your week on sanitation duty. Throughout the day we will train a bit harder than normal. There will be scheduled times and you will each have partners. Try to train no less than two and a half hours a day. Training should include sparing, cardio, strength, and tumbling. Try to spar with someone new every week.
Dick: Also Jason, you remember when you said you wish you could fall like me.
Jason: I was being sarcastic.
Dick: I will finally be teaching you how to do pommel horse 1 hour a week like you asked.
Jason: I will kill you.
Duke: Being honest, I’d like to try high bar and floor. I feel it will be very beneficial for me in the long run.
Dick: Awesome! You got it. Now everyone has until tomorrow to pick their partner, I know my partner will be Jason. 
Jason: Fuck you.
Dick: Also, last thing before I make the training schedules and routines, I need to address something. There are quite a lot of people in Gotham City still refusing to wear mask. During the day lets try to hand out mask with our own designs on them to everyone who we come across during the day. I already ordered them and they should be here by Saturday, so that is something we will be doing starting next week. 
*alarm sounds off in the batcave*
Alfred: It would seem there is a fire at Wayne Tower on the thirty-second floor.
Dick: Alright, Duke, Jason, and I will go to check it out. Everyone else do what you would normally do.
Tim and Bruce
Tim: Hey Bruce, I brought you some coffee!
Bruce: How many cups have you had?
Tim: Three large cups.
Bruce: After......
Tim: *mumbles* The five cups I had with breakfast.
Bruce: There we go.
Tim: Okay so what are we doing?
Bruce: Someone found a weakness in Wayne Tech's firewall and is trying to hack into my server. If they do so they will have knowledge of the companies upcoming projects, along with the identities of our persona’s.
Tim: How long do we have?
Bruce: 27 minutes. Try to locate the hacker.
Nightwing, Red Hood, and The Signal
Time- 19:37
Nightwing, Red Hood, The Signal: *all pull up on their motorcycles at Wayne Tower*
Fire Marshal: *approaches the three vigilantes* Hey Nightbird....*looks at Red Hood and The Signal* and gang, look, this wasn't a big fire, it was contained very quickly so there's nothing really to worry about.
The Signal: So we’re good to go, awesome!
Fire Marshal: There's not much you can really do, so yeah.
Nightwing: Thank you fire marshal but if you don't mind, we'd like to stick around for the investigation.
Fire Marshal: No, that's not necessary! We have it all covered!
Red Hood: I take it that you haven't been in Gotham for long. It wasn't an offer, it was a statement.
Fire Marshal: *sighs* Very well.
Nightwing, Red Hood, The Signal: *walk into the building and make there way up to the stairs up to the thirty-second floor*
Tim: Nightwing, are you still at Wayne Tower?
Nightwing: Yeah, what’s up?
Tim: We’re dealing with a hacker trying to get into the server at Wayne Inc. We think the hacker is inside the building....
Nightwing: Say no more! We’re on it!
Tim: Find him fast, we have t-16 minutes and 55 seconds to find him!
Fire Fighter: *runs by to a fire truck* Lets go, lets go!
The Signal: What's going on?
Fire Fighter: There’s been another fire across town. Lets move out!
Nightwing: Shit *mumbles under his breath* Okay, Signal, investigate the fire upstairs. Red Hood, search the building, there is a hacker somewhere and we need to find him before he hacks us! I'll go to the next fire!
The Signal: Got it.
Red Hood: Understood. 
Nightwing: *bolts out into the stairway towards the ground level* Red Robin, I'm on my way to another fire, Red Hood is in charge of looking for the hacker and Signal is investigating the fire.
Tim: No time! I'll send The Signal to search for the hacker, too! Investigate the fire later!
Nightwing: Got it!
Tim: Signal, Red Hood! Start looking for the hacker!
Red Hood: Already doing so!
The Signal: But Nightwing said...
Tim: Shut up and do it!
The Signal: Got it!
Alfred and Julia
Alfred: What are we watching
Julia: Well, I thought that with both of us being former spies, I thought we could watch an American film franchise called Mission Impossible.
Alfred: And tear it apart by it’s inaccuracies!
Julia: Yes!
Alfred: Sounds wonderful!
Tim and Bruce
Time- 13:17
Harper: I came as fast as I could.
Bruce: Good, set up your computer.
Harper: Why isn’t Alfred helping?
Bruce: Shut up and get to work.
Harper: Okay then!
Signal
Time- 12:14
The Signal: Fuck! *runs through and between all of the Wayne Enterprise employees* Sorry, excuse me! Coming through! *keeps searching for someone hunched over their computer* Out of the way! Coming through! I'm so sorry! *makes his way back to the stairs and climbs up to the fortieth floor, opens the door and finds the floor empty, but still hears the sound of a guy typing away* Signal to Red Hood, potential suspect on the fortieth floor!
Red Hood: Copy that, standing by!
The Signal: *turns the corner and gets into a stance*
Hacker 1: *looks over* Ah!
Hacker 2: *jumps up behind The Signal and kicks him in the back*
The Signal: Uck! Red Hood, hackers on the fortieth floor!
Red Hood and The Signal
Time- 12:14
Red Hood: *walks on to the twentieth floor and lifts his pistols in the air and fires two rounds* Everybody, go down to the next floor now!
Everyone: *rushes off to the stairs*
Red Hood: *observing everyone that leaves the floor*
The Signal: Signal to Red Hood, potential suspect on the fortieth floor!
Red Hood: Copy that, standing by! *continues to observe the crowd and notices a face* Hey you!
Noah: *looks around and points to himself*
Red Hood: *points* Yeah, you!
Noah: *walks over nervously* Please don't hurt me, I don't want any trouble!
Red Hood: Relax, I'm not going to hurt anyone here. We're just looking for a guy. What's your name?
Noah: My name is Noah.
Red Hood: Sup Noah....
The Signal: Red Hood, hackers on the fortieth floor!
Red Hood: Gotta go! *pushes through the crowd and runs up the stairs, then enters the door for the fortieth floor*
Hackers 1 and 2: *holding The Signal by his arms and legs*
Red Hood: *raises his pistols and fires a few shots at the hackers, but misses and takes a few heavy breaths* That was a warning shot! Next time I won't miss, drop my partner!
Hackers 1 and 2: *drop The Signal and charge at Red Hood*
Red Hood: *dives out of the way and turns around and shoots the hackers with rubber rounds* You guys probably should have spent less time coding and more time in physical education in high school! *taps his helmet* Red Hood to Bat-cave, we got the hackers!
Tim: Good, now look for a R.A.T.!
The Signal: Ew! Gross!
Tim: Not an actual rat, a Remote Access Tool!
Red Hood: What's it look like?
Tim: You're looking for a window on the computer or maybe a USB connected plugged into it!
Red Hood: *checks one of the computer screens*
The Signal: *checks the other computer screen*
Red Hood: Nothing out of the ordinary!
The Signal: Same here!
Tim: Keep looking, it has to be somewhere!
Red Hood: *keeps looking* Tell Batman he's going to need to buy some new shit for this floor! *starts picking up computers and smashes them to the floor*
The Signal: Red Hood! What are you doing?
Red Hood: Narrowing down our options!
Nightwing
Time- 9:23
Nightwing: *pulls up with the fire trucks at the apartment complex in flames, hooks up a small oxygen tank to his waist and connects the hose to his mask, then sees a resident waving from the terrace on the third floor, he then rushes over and climbs up each terrace and fires a grappling hook from his escrima stick onto the top of the building* Step over the railing, I got you! *he gestures for the resident to step over*
Resident: *steps over the railing and into Nightwing's arms*
Nightwing: *holds on to his escrima stick which slowly lowers them down he then lets go of the resident*
Resident: *runs to a safe place with the other residents*
Nightwing: *turns the valve and runs inside the building, checking for any other residents stuck inside*
Firefighters: *start spraying the apartment*
Kid: Help!!!
Nightwing: *runs up the stairs to where the yelling is coming from and finds a parent lying on the floor unconscious*
Kid: *crying* Help, my.... my...
Nightwing: *kneels down and places a hand on the kids shoulder* Hey, you're dad's going to be okay, but right now we have to get out of here. Okay?
Kid: *nods their head*
Nightwing: *lifts up the kids dad over his shoulder and carries the kid as he begins to rush down the stairs only to see the stairs going to the first floor are engulfed in flames, then drops the kid and the dad gently against a wall as he grabbed the fire extinguisher and clears a path for them to go down, then lifts the kid and dad back up and runs down the stairs and out of the door*
Paramedic: *runs over with a stretcher*
Nightwing: *helps lay the dad on the stretcher then runs back in, shooting a grappling hook at the roof and reels himself up the stairway, climbing three floors before the ceiling gives way and Nightwing falls*
Batgirl: *reaches out for Nightwing's arm* Ah!
Nightwing and Batgirl
Time- 5:54
Nightwing: Aren't you a sight for foggy eyes! *reaches up with his other arm up to the railing and crawls over the railing* Are you okay?
Batgirl: *starts to lift a few of the residents* Ow! Come on! We have to get these people to the paramedics!
Nightwing: Go to the fire escape!
Batgirl: Not safe, the metal is starting to bend!
Nightwing: *pushes against the railing he just climbed over* This one is holding! Go check the top floor, if no one is there head down!
Batgirl: *goes up to check the top floor*
Nightwing: *attaches a grappling line to the railing and carries the two other residents reels them all down then races out of the building to meet the paramedics*
Batgirl: *finds one more resident and taps their shoulder* Are you okay?
Resident: *starts to wake* Uhhhh.
Batgirl: Can I help you?
Resident: *goes limp*
Batgirl: *carries the unconscious resident out of the room and reels them both down the building, then racing out of the building to meet with the paramedics*
Bruce, Tim, and Harper
Time- 4:37
Harper: Ha! Gotcha sucker!
Bruce: Did you stop them?
Harper: No, but I got their IP Address! Computer is being accessed on the twentieth floor!
Red Hood and The Signal
Time- 4:07
Tim: THE HACKER IS ON THE TWENTIETH FLOOR!!!
Jason: Son of a bitch!
The Signal: On our way there!
Red Hood and The Signal: *running down the stairs*
The Signal: About what happened.... (being manhandled like a jump rope)
Red Hood: We have bigger problems right now!
The Signal: Right, right!
Jason: *slows down for a second, then races down fast* Shit, I KNOW WHO THAT MAN WAS!
The Signal: *tries to catch up* Red Hood! 
Red Hood: *bursts through the door for the twentieth floor and unleashes a primal roar*
Noah: *still sitting down* You're smarter than I remember Red Hood! Don't bother grabbing your guns. I'll be gone before you even fire.
Red Hood: *taps the side of his helmet to send video of the situation to The Signal* The hackers on the fortieth floor, they were...
Noah: Yes, just a distraction! Really impressed by your physicality by the way, but I sure bet you are exhausted right now.
Red Hood: I can still take you out!
Noah: No you can't. Hans!
Hans: *grabs Red Hood*
The Signal: *turns invisible and sneaks past Hans and Red Hood, then approaches Noah and bashes the laptop with his escrima sticks*
Noah: Nooooo!!!
The Signal: *kicks Noah and whacks him a few times with his escrima sticks*
Red Hood: *knocks his head against Hans' head*
Hans: *lets go of Red Hood and stumbles back*
Red Hood: *turns then kicks Hans' chest, then reaches forward and tases Hans*
The Signal: *becomes visible and ties up Noah*
Red Hood: *ties up Hans* Have I ever mentioned how impressive your meta-human abilities are?
The Signal: You can mention it more, I can use the ego boost!
Red Hood: We captured The Calculator and his goons, how is it on your end Red Robin?
Tim: All clear over hear! Nice work guys!
Alfred, Julia, Stephanie, Cassandra, and Selina
Alfred: Why would he choose the safe house. If this were reality Ethan would have already been arrested.
Stephanie: Alfred, we love you to death, but your ruining an amazing movie.
Julia: The movie ruined itself by it’s inaccuracies. Plus this is our bonding time, you guys weren’t even invited!
Selina: Yeah, but you guys took the only copy and once we saw you watching it, we just really wanted to watch it, too.
Harper: Oh, cool! Mind if I join?
Alfred: *sighs* The more the merrier.
Nightwing and Batgirl
Nightwing: Gotcha Jay, thanks for the info! Alright, our guy lives in apartment 22 on 1807 Zics Street. Let’s head there now and see if we can find him.
Batgirl: Want to get something to eat after?
Nightwing: If we race there we can eat sooner!
Batgirl: Lets go!
Nightwing and Batgirl: *jump on their motorcycles and drive to the apartment where they found the arsonist, then tied him to a lamppost and Batgirl informed the GCPD the location of the arsonist*
Nightwing: So, how has your dad been doing?
Batgirl: Not too bad. He’s been a bit under pressure but he’s doing fine. How is it being a dad at the mansion?
Nightwing: Ohhh god. I had the thought once and decided to leave that duty to Alfred. 
Batgirl: *Barbara laughs*
Nightwing: I help him a bit. It’s been so difficult acting like a grown up. I had to seriously step in when Alfred called Jason “Master Todd”
Batgirl: Please explain further?
Nightwing: Well, because Jason is, well, Jason, he lost his shit because he’s “not a snooty ass rich motherfucker, Alfred!”
Batgirl: Damn, I could so see that.
Nightwing: Yeah, and it doesn’t help that Bruce totally lost the ability to interact with other people. The other day Damian was acting up and Bruce picked him up and shouted “WHERE’S THE OFF BUTTON!”
Batgirl: *laughs harder*
Nightwing: *laughs* I wish you could have been there, it was funnier in person.
Batgirl: *leans her head on Dick’s shoulder* 
Nightwing: I love you Babs.
Batgirl: I love you too, Dick.
Dick
Dick: *got into the batcave and began creating workouts for everyone, then went to the bathroom and took a shower in the batcave, got out, and went upstairs and entered the media room*
Dick: Aw, isn’t this sweet!
Julia: Get the fuck out Dick!
Dick: Damn, okay.
Dick: *walks into the kitchen to see everyone in there*
Tim: Someone took long getting back to the mansion.
Stephanie: What happened.
Dick: I met up with Babs.
Everyone: WHAT!!!!
Damian: No fair. If I knew I could have been with Jon this entire time I would have!
Selina: You’re not able to Damian, and you knew you weren’t suppose to interact with anyone outside of the mansion.
Dick: Chill. Everything is fine. We’re more likely to get sick on patrol then by hanging out with each other.
Selina: In which if we do get sick on patrol and run into each other we then get them sick!
Dick: It's fine! What’s up with Alfred and Julia?
Selina: No....
Jason: They got tired of everyone ruining their family bonding time so they kicked us out.
Dick: That makes sense.
Helena: *rings the doorbell*
Dick: I got it. *walks over to the door and opens it* Helloooo...............
Helena: Hey Dick, you look great!
Dick: *slams the door shut and covers the door*
Jason: *walks up to the door and shoves Dick to the side and opens the door* Hey, Helena! It's so awesome to see you! What are you doing here?
Helena: I’m here to stay and help. Where should I put my bags?
Jason: You could put them in any of the open guest bedrooms up on the third floor! You remember where that is, right?
Helena: Yep!
Dick: Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool. *starts to sit down*
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batfam-rewrites · 6 months
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Batfam During Quarantine: First Patrol (Remastered)
Batfam During Quarantine: First Patrol
Hey, quick heads up, this is a slightly reworked version of the second post I made for this series. My continuity on this series got really messed up for a bit and I have so many drafts that I still yet to publish so I'm going through all of my old stuff to fix the chronology of the stories and also put a bit more pressure on me to finish this series. Please keep in mind that my writing skills kinda improve throughout the series, so this is not my best but just somewhat reworked, and there is a good chance this will be reworked again in the future.
Dick: Unfortunately there was a homicide down in crime ally a few hours ago...
Jason: Ooooooh! What are we talking about? Was he shot, strangled, mangled, stabbed?
Dick: He was cut open and the killer dug around in his organs. Only the lungs were missing.
Jason: So mangled, got it! I will give you $50 for the case!
Dick: It’s not a bid, I’m going to assign the
Damian: $100 for the case!
Stephanie: $125!
Duke: $200!
Jason: $210 and I won’t use any fire arms!
Dick: Interesting, who thinks they can top that?
Tim: $225 and I’ll give you my secret stash of Keurig coffee cups!
Cassandra: $250 and I’ll let you take my mini fridge!
Jason: $350 and I would exchange my lethal rounds for rubber bullets and I won’t cause property damage or kill anyone!
Dick: SOLD!
Cassandra: DAMMIT!!!
Dick: Okay, so cases will be assigned as normal with the exception of Jason’s. Now because we’re in the middle of a strict city wide lock down crime has reached a low meaning some of you will have shorter nights on patrol. Each sector has been divided between all of us so make sure to stay in your sector. There’s been a little bit of activity caused by Scarecrow in sector 1, Babs I’m putting you in charge of putting a stop to it. Kate you have 2. There isn’t much going on there but there has been a reports that bags of heroine and cocaine are being left against some windows. It could be nothing but just take a look to see if anything is going on. Tim and Steph you have 5....
Tim: Woah, I thought we weren’t partnering up!
Dick: You’ll partner up for an hour, but mostly on calm nights you and Steph will patrol for 3 hours by yourselves. You’ll get half of the shift and Steph will get the other half. Anyway, Selina you have 3. Cass, 4. Harper, 8. There’s not much going on in those sectors but just patrol for a little bit. Duke, last night there were some gun shots heard in sector 9, go investigate. Jason you’re in sector 6. Julia and Alfred, you’re going to be here updating us on anything that happens. And Damian you’re going with me in sector 7.
Damian: Because you don’t trust me!
Dick: No, because you’re Robin. It would be weird for Batman not to be with Robin while you’re in Gotham.
Damian: Oh, yeah that makes sense.
Dick: We’ll be dealing with Two-Face. There’s been chatter that he’s going to make a move on the Falcone crime family. I’ll take sanitation duty tonight. Keep your radios on and contact someone if you needs help. Now, move out!
Batgirl
Batgirl: *she flies over the civilians in sector 1 in the bat-jet and sprays an antidote for the fear toxin until noticing Scarecrow, then drops down beside him and kicks his side*
Scarecrow: *falls to the side* Ah! Batgirl! *he gets up and tries to run away*
Batgirl: Oh no you don't! *chases after Scarecrow*
Scarecrow: *turns a corner and hides along the side*
Batgirl: *turns the corner too and is immediately stabbed in the arm with a syringe, she is then standing in her apartment and hears a knock at her door* No, no, no, no, no! *she then moves forward towards the door and places her hands on the door knob*
Scarecrow: Oh yes Batgirl! Not even you, let alone Batman, could stand this new batch that I made specially for you lot. *moves closer to Batgirl and kicks her side*
Batgirl: *she opens the door and is shot in the stomach, then falls to her side, she sees the Joker standing in the door frame, staring at her limp body, as he begins to start kicking her* Ouch!
Scarecrow: *he keeps kicking Batgirl as she is lying on her side in the street*
Batgirl: NO!!! *she tries to fight the feeling of paralysis, she begins to bring her knees to her chest*
Scarecrow: *he kicks her again and this time Batgirl rolls to her knees with the last kick* Stop fighting Batgirl. There is no use in doing so! *he moves closer and winds up for another kick*
Batgirl: *she rolls backward and gets back to her knees and sees the Joker shoot the floor of her apartment but the recoil makes him stumble a little bit, which allows her enough time to stand back up and she squares up*
Scarecrow: I anticipated this much resistance, but I know that you are still seeing the boogeyman that lives in your head. *he walks closer to Batgirl*
Batgirl: Rent fucking free. *she throws her punch but the Joker dodges it*
Scarecrow: You're slow.
Batgirl: *kicks in the direction that the Joker was standing in but he dodges*
Scarecrow: Weak. *he begins to reach forward to inject Batgirl with more fear toxin*
Batgirl: *grabs Jokers arms as he tries to grab her, but he pushes her against a wall*
Scarecrow: Stop resisting, you can't fight me and the toxin at the same time.
Batgirl: *continues to try and push his arms away, then kicks up at his balls*
Scarecrow: Ah! *he hunches over only to get kneed in the face which causes him to fall back* Fucking Bat-bitch!
Batgirl: *she reaches for her utility belt and reaches for the antidote, and stabs it into the inside of her thigh and leans against the wall*
Scarecrow: *he gets up and lunges over*
Batgirl: *dodges Joker and kicks him again, she reaches for a sleeping agent*
Scarecrow: *stands back up*
Batgirl: *stabs Joker with the sleeping agent and continues to punch and kick him until Joker falls to the floor unconscious, she looks around and notices that her soundings have changed, she then sits down for a minute and collects her thoughts* Batgirl to Bat-cave.
Julia: Go ahead.
Batgirl: Scarecrow is down.
Julia: Copy, go ahead and tie him up then survey the area and continue to help spread the antidote.
Batgirl: Got it.
Red Hood
Red Hood: *looks at the the crime scene and finds a pair of bloody latex gloves from behind a trash bin* Penny-two.
Julia: Yes, Red Hood?
Red Hood: I’m going to stop by to run some finger prints and a blood sample. 
Julia: Alright, I’ll set it up.
Red Hood: *he rushes over to his motorcycle and rides off to the Bat-cave*
Batwoman
Batwoman: *spots a girl in a sky blue hoodie and a dude in a yellow hoodie, and drops down into the alley as they place drugs against the windows*
Girl and Dude: *turn and look at Batwoman* Run! *they begin to run*
Batwoman: *She kicks the boy into the wall, grabs the girl by the shit and pins her against the opposite wall* Why are you doing this?
Girl: You know exactly why! Not all of us could run around the city playing dress up, taking down criminals and claim to protect this city! Some of us need this just to get by!
Batwoman: Where’s your boss?
Girl: Don’t have one. We make it ourselves.
Batwoman: *she grabs her grappling hook and fires at the top of the of the building and reels her up, then lifts the girl over the edge* Where’s your boss?
Girl: I’m telling you, we don’t have one!!! Don’t drop me, please!!!!
Batwoman: Who's we?
Girl: Me and my boyfriend!!!
Batwoman: Leave, take your drugs! If I see you or your boyfriend again I won’t hesitate to drop you from a rooftop! *they lower down to the ally*
Girl: *grabs her boyfriend and they run*
Batwoman: *she reaches for her utility belt and places the card of a local rehab center in between the windows, then continues to patrol the area to make sure there is no more drug activity*
Red Hood and Julia
Julia: The blood definitively belongs to the victim.
Red Hood: Run the prints then.
Julia: Already done. They belong to a man named Doug McGrath. He’s a crook arrested several times for drug trafficking, drug possession, and suspected for robbery but was not convicted. He is also has 3 accounts on a HENCH.
Red Hood So this could be the work of one of Bruce’s rogues.
Julia: Indeed.
Red Hood: Can you send me his location?
Julia: I’ll get on that now. Done, his coordinates
Red Hood: Got it, if you could, hack into his HENCH account and see what offers he has recently received. *he begins walking back to his motorcycle*
Julia: It’s insulting that you even asked.
The Signal
Signal: *he drops to the street and walks around where the shooting occurred and notices the two bullet holes in the buildings, but witnesses have said they heard three. He walks down the ally and searches for anything but can’t find the bullet, but finds blood on a few trash bags. He opens the backs and looks inside and finds a pair of lungs and a few other organs*
Thug: Hey kid!
Signal: *turns and runs towards the thug, throwing a few punches*
Thug: *pulls out a gun and shoots far over Signal's shoulder*
Signal: Nice shot, I heard the Empire is hiring. *he sweeps the thugs legs from underneath him* Maybe you should get a job as a Stormtrooper. *he throws a few more punches knocking the thug out. then examines the body and notices on his phone that there was a notification from HENCH*
Red Robin and Spoiler
Red Robin: I don’t get it! I could patrol the entire time and still help Bruce. It’s called never going to sleep.
Spoiler: You realize you're the only person I know that has ever made me worry about their health, right? Why can’t you be normal?
Red Robin: Ask my parents.
Spoiler: Dick.
Red Robin: No, I’m Tim. You’re getting your Robin’s mixed up.
Spoiler: HA!. Don’t you think you’re spending too much time with Nightwing if you’re making jokes like that?
Red Robin:  Eh, maybe.
Red Hood: Hey, Red Robin, I need you to patrol 6 for a bit. I’m following a lead. I got the okay from Batman.
Red Robin: Got it. *he then takes off, jumping from roof to roof off to the other side of the city*
Batman and Robin
Batman: Got it Red Hood. Robin, Red Hood is on his way.
Robin: I hate Red Hood!
Batman: You realize you’re quite a bit like him, right?
Robin: NO I’M......
Batman: SHHHH! We don’t want to attract too much attention.
Robin: I am nothing like Red Hood.
Batman: *looks out at the site and sees Bane and Two-Face then grabs Robin's head and turns it towards the direction of where the two are standing, then watch as a black SUV drives in and Carmine Falcone steps out*
Falcone: I see you brought your muscle. Where’s my drugs?
Two-Face: I have it where it should be. 
Falcone: I'm not playing games, Dent! Give me my drugs or there will be consequences.
Two-Face: Hit me with your best shot!
Batman: Signal, Spoiler, Red Robin I’m sending you the coordinates to our location. Somethings about to go down. Red Hood, where are you?
Red Hood: Not too far.
Batman: Everyone else stand by, in case this goes south.
Falcone: Release the beast.
Batman and Robin: *jump in between the few crooks and start throwing punches and kicks, when they hear a gun click from the behind them*
KGBeast: I've been waiting for a while to put down "The man who killed Batman" on my list. *aims right for Batman*
Robin: *turns and looks at KGBeast* You ASSHOLE!!!! *rushes towards KGBeast*
Batman: ROBIN! NO! 
Bane: *rushes towards Batman*
Batman: *attempts to evade Bane’s each strike, eventually diving towards Two-Face, knocking him down*
Bane: *punches towards the two*
Batman: *rolls out of the way, causing Bane to punch Two-Face in the head*
KGBeast: *fires towards Robin*
Robin: *dodges each bullet then jumps on KGBeast's back, he then reaches for a batarang and slashes at KGBeast's back*
KGBeast: *tries to get Damian off of his back*
Red Hood: *shows up and starts shooting at KGBeast*
Robin: *jumps off of KGBeast's back, throwing a few explosive batarangs at KGBeast's feet*
KGBeast: *flys back a few feet*
Robin: *rolls forward landing next to Red Hood* You could have shot me!
Red Hood: I would have enjoyed that! *lifts up his arm and shoots Falcone a few times*
Falcone: *falls to the floor*
Bane: *throws Batman into a wall*
Signal: *arrives and runs right for Bane* Red Hood, boost me!
Red Hood: *squats down and gets ready to launch Signal towards Bane*
Batman: *throws a few batarangs at Bane's face causing Bane to look away*
Signal: *throws an uppercut to Bane's face*
Batman: *runs up at Bane and punches him in the face*
Red Hood: *jumps on Bane's back and puts him in a choke hold, hanging from his neck*
Bane: *tries to swing Red Hood off but falls to the floor*
Dick: *huff* Anyone else feeling the aster? *huff*
Jason: AHG!!!! NO MORE WORDS FROM YOU!!
Dick: Come on.............
Jason: NO!
22 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 7 months
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This is just a reblog of my first post of my Batfam During Quarantine series. I know it has been a while since I have posted anything so I wanted to reblog this to try and make up for the long time that I haven't posted this for and to help make these post go more chronologically in order. Back when I was somewhat more consistent with these post I had a few that were more holiday based that disrupted any chronology so I want to try and fix that now. I am still trying to finish the series but stuff keeps on getting in the way but I do want to finish this series at some point despite the pandemic not being quite over, but definitely less relevant than it was back in March of 2020. If you have stuck with this story since the beginning, thank you so much! I really appreciate you for sticking around for this story that I have been very inconsistent about keeping up with for 3 years now and I promise I have more stories coming that you hopefully enjoy! If you are just seeing this and are interested in seeing what else I have written, I have a post saved on my blog that has links to all of the stories I have published so far! I hope you guys enjoyed it, I'm going to try and make this a bi-weekly thing so hopefully I can keep up with it and also finish my other stories that I have yet to publish while editing some of the ones that I also reblog!
Batfam During Quarantine
Bruce: Okay, can everyone hear me?
Tim: What are you saying Bruce?
Dick: Did you mute yourself?
Bruce: *embarrassed, he quickly turns on the mic on his phone* Can you all hear me now?
Dick: Yes.
Bruce: Okay, first note, Dick and Jason, we need you two to relocate into the mansion by tonight. Things are going to go south fast and I will need everyone’s help. 
Dick: Bruce, I don’t know if I can really leave Blüdhaven. This city can get as bad as Gotham, sometimes worse!
Bruce: We’ll figure something out, I need you here to step in for me! Tim, Barbara, Stephanie, and Harper, you all will have the choice of staying with your family or moving to the mansion temporarily. Once you’ve made your decision you can not interact with anyone in person unless you are at the mansion. This could change in a month so we’ll see then. Everyone else must remain inside the mansion unless you are on patrol, including you Jason.
Jason: I hate you.
Bruce: I know.
Dick: Hahahahaha, you did not just pull a Han Solo!
Bruce: Anyway, I have modified all of the suits, each suit now has a mask to cover your face and nose. Regardless of how uncomfortable it may be, you must keep the mask on at all times when you are outside of the mansion. When you get home from patrol, you are required to change before leaving the cave and throw the suits into the wash every night. When you get home, one person will be assigned to sanitize all of the equipment, including the inside of any vehicle. If you are at home you would have to do that yourself. Is there any comments so far?
Tim: Suck it losers, I’m going to stay home and not worry about cutting my fingers while trying to sanitize batarangs! 
Duke: That also means you don’t get to use the Keurig machine for your coffee. 
Tim: Dammit, that’s a hard bargain to pass up. I’ll pack my things after the meeting, my parents will understand. Out of curiosity could they come with?
Bruce: No! For the sake of keeping everyone’s identity a secret.
Barbara: I’m staying with my family for right now. My dad will need us to stay together.
Stephanie: I think I’ll head to the mansion. Just to be able to have access to the gadgets.
Harper: Cullen and I will stay here for now. I don’t want to leave him alone.
Kate: I’ll stay home.
Bruce: Very well. Harper, you and I can find a way to work around the Cullen situation. Next thing is assignments. Dick, you will be fully responsible for assigning patrols. Tim, I will need your help with the company so you’ll work with me part time and do patrols as well. Each person will be assigned a sector to patrol. Do not move outside of your sector unless you are returning to the Batcave. We will partner you all up if the occasion rises. Patrols will be cut down the first few weeks depending on the severity of any situations that should arise. We’ll see how the city looks after the first 3 weeks. If you plan to stay at the mansion be here by tonight or tomorrow. That is all.
25 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 10 months
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Dick's recent twitter post
Dick: I need the tiny little person in my brain to stop pressing the S-A-P button in my head because I keep switching from Español and English and it is starting to annoy everyone around me! I'm not even Latino and I am genuinely concerned that I might come off as being culturally insensitive!
59 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 11 months
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Jason: Woooo! Devils vs Rangers bitches, let’s gooooo!
Damian: Woooooo!!!!
Tim: You’re a day late and the Devils got their asses kicked in 5-1.
Jason: 
Damian:
Tim:
Damian: I’m going to kill you Drake.
Jason: *checks his phone* Oh.... Yeah Timbits is right! Playoffs started Monday!
Stephanie: *walks in* Oilers and Kings baby! Team Connor McJesus!
24 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Damian: Cassandra!!! *runs around the mansion and into the second floor living room* Has anyone seen Cassandra?
Jason: Cass left a while ago to train.
Stephanie: You know, I think I saw Dick leave with her. You don’t think...?
Duke: Oh no, you don’t think they are training together, do you?
Stephanie: I think they might be!
Jason: Oh my god, poor Cass!
Damian: That is truly unfortunate!
Harper: Why is training with Dick so horrible?
Jason: Because Dick doesn’t train, normal.
Harper: How so?
Damian: Grayson trains exactly like a circus freak. So when he goes to train, it’s not just sparing and working out but he also fits in a number of his gymnastics events into his training.
Harper: Oh! Well...that can’t be too bad. I mean a lot of us do acrobatic stuff anyway so how much worse can it get.
Jason: That’s exactly what I said. I went in thinking, “Oh, gee wiz. I can’t wait to train with golden boy Dick!”
Stephanie: *laughs* You said gee wiz?
Jason: Shut up, this was before I died! Anyway, I go in and he had very simple skills set out for me. Should’ve been easy, right? I fell doing just about every skill that he had me do! And if doing all six events wasn’t already bad enough, he decided to through me on the trapeze as well! And after that we did an hour of conditioning and flexibility! I came back to the Batcave more sore and with more bruises than I had ever received out in the field at that point!
Damian: *snickers* Wow, how pathetic that must have been!
Jason: Oh, yeah, and how did your training session with Dick go?
Damian: Pfft.... I excelled at everything he had set out for me! I was a natural!
Everyone: *stares at Damian*
Damian: *crosses his arms* Fine! I fell a lot and I had to tap out after vault because Dick was scared I was going to “make my injury worse.” It was only a bit of leg pain!
Stephanie: Your couldn’t move your leg!!!
Damian: It was just a bone fracture, I could have kept going though!
Harper: Holy shit!
Duke: Personally I wouldn’t mind just training floor or high bar with him again, I would just try and skip the rest though.
Stephanie: Yeah, but you got off much easier than the rest of us! I remember Dick finding out I did gymnastics until I was 15 and he dragged me with him.
Tim: *walks in*
Stephanie: The training part wasn’t too bad but I’d much rather do Bruce’s conditioning than Dick’s!
Tim: Are we talking about training with Dick?
Stephanie: Yeah.
Tim: It’s not too bad!
Jason: Shut up, you don’t count because you’re a junior elite gymnast!
Duke: I don’t think either you or Steph count as both of you actually had a gymnastics background!
Stephanie: Hey, Dick’s training is on a whole different level!
Jason: Gymnastics in itself is a whole different level of training! I’d rather hear another lecture from Bruce than ever do that shit again!
Damian: Don’t lie to yourself, Todd! We all know that you secretly use the rings and tumble track when you think no one is watching!
Jason: Oh, like you don’t go in there training as well every once in a while!
Damian: I don’t!
Duke: You most definitely do!
Damian: Why would I want to, I’m the one who was injured!
Stephanie: Please, you said it was nothing!
Duke: I couldn’t walk for a whole day after mine!
Stephanie: You think that’s bad, I couldn’t walk for three days!
Jason: You still had previous experience!
Stephanie: I hadn’t done shit for a year though!
Harper: I haven’t trained with Dick yet, and I don’t want to!
Jason: I don’t want to do that shit again!
Cassandra: *walks in*
Everyone: *stops fighting*
Harper: Hey Cassie, how are you feeling?
Cassandra: I’m feeling pretty good, core is killing me though!
Stephanie: You poor thing! How did training with Dick go?
Cassandra: It was really fun! Dick was talking about how we finally have enough people to do a competition again!
Jason: You’re not bruised, super sore, anything?
Damian: No broken or fractured bones?
Cassandra: *examines and lifts her arms and legs* Nope!
Dick: *walks in super sore and grunting* Hey Tim, do you mind subbing in for me during patrol tonight?
Everyone: *looks at Dick in surprise*
Tim: Suuure!
Duke: Did Cass train you!
Dick: *moves to a chair* She said my conditioning was too light so we did hers. *sits down* Oh fuck! I’m not moving.
Cassandra: Damian, are you ready to play?
Damian: You’ve kept me waiting.
Damian and Cassandra: *walk out*
Jason: Hey, Dick! Out of curiosity, who had the worst training session with you?
Dick: Ummm...... Definitely Bruce!
Everyone: What?!
Dick: Yeah, he fell on top of the pommel, had a hard time moving on floor, kept running into the vault table. By the end of it Bruce took a shower and passed out for 15 hours. Pretty sure it’s the most he’s ever slept in his life.
Harper: Don’t ever invite me to train with you! I am terrified!
Dick: Cool! *gives a thumbs up and starts to zone out*
Duke: Wait, if you’re as acrobatic as Dick, then why don’t you do many flips and stuff out in the field then?
Tim: Are you kidding? I don’t want anyone to know my identity, especially when I was able to find out Dick’s identity by only watching his high bar routine back when I was in level 6!
Dick: *zones back in* I remember that! You called me stupid for that!
Tim: It is so obvious, just stop showing off!
324 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Jason: *in the Batfam group chat* Okay, emo kid or not, The Sharpest Lives from MCR fucking rocks.
Kate: Ummmm..... duh!
Dick: No shit Sherlock!
Tim: Wow, thank you for your brilliant insight. I feel like my life is complete.
62 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Duke: *working on a school project* Hey Dick, can you grab me a cardboard box? I need it for a project.
Dick: Sure thing Duke. *gets up and moves around the mansion looking for a cardboard box*
15 Minutes Later
Dick: *spots a cardboard box on top of a dusty old shelf* Oh, uuuhhhhh. Are there spiders? I don’t want to touch that if it has spiders on there. *reaches up and slowly pulls out the box, inspecting it as he grabs it, then once he has it in his hands he drops the box a few times* Okay, this should be good. *runs back towards Duke and extends his arms out* Here you go Duke, one spider-free box.
Duke: *looks at Dick with a perplexed look* Okay. Did you check the box or something?
Dick: Yes I did!
Duke: Cool, by the way, there’s a spider on your shirt.
Dick: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *rips his shirt off on stomps on his shirt*
____
Kate: Jason, why is your nose bruised.
Jason: Okay, so, Kate, I had a moment this morning where I woke up, and do you ever wake up and your arm is just asleep?
Kate: Um, sure.
Jason: Okay, so I wake up, and I try to wake my arm up and it feels like really heavy, so I shake it around and I whack my nose really hard! Then I start to feel blood starting to make it's way down my nostrils so I lay back down and tilt my head over my pillow and I start talking to my body, saying "Not another nose bleed, not another nose bleed, no you will dry up before I even stand up,” and that’s why my nose looks like a plum!
Kate: What the fuck did I just hear?
____
Stephanie: How do some people not think before they speak? Like how do they not over-analyze what they are about to say to the point where it takes too long to respond back?
Barbara: Oh, sweetie, you’re so cute for thinking that you think before you speak!
Stephanie: Yes I do!
Tim: No, you really don’t.
Cassandra:
Stephanie: *gasp and punches Tim’s arm* 
Tim: *reaches to where Stephanie punched at* Ow!
Stephanie: How could you?
Barbara: Steph, you really don’t, at least not all the time.
Tim: If I could think of an example off the top of my head I would bring it up but I really can’t.
Stephanie: Cass, back me up, please.
Cassandra: *trying not to laugh*
Stephanie: Cassie?
Cassandra: *starts to slightly laugh* I’m trying to think how to politely disagree with you without you over-reacting.
Stephanie: O-M-G, Cass! Why? I totally think before I speak!
____
Tim: [posting to his instagram story] Just a reminder to all my friends and my LGBTQ+ followers that phobia means fear. So the next time you run into a homophobe feel free to ask why are they scared of gay people?
55 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Bruce: Roy Kent is such a fucking mood!
Stephanie: *goes up to Bruce and grabs his face trying to take it off* 
Bruce: *pushes Stephanie away* What the fuck are you doing?
Tim: Come on Jason, stop pretending to be Bruce.
Jason: First off....
Stephanie and Tim: *turn around in shock*
Jason: That’s not me, I’m me. That’s Bruce.
Stephanie: Oh my god, it’s so life like. They’re trying to act like each other, and failing!
Jason: Stop being fucking ridiculous! Second, Roy Kent isn’t a fucking mood, he’s my personality motherfuckers!
Bruce: He’s just a fucking mood, stop acting like you all haven’t seen me fucking angry!
Tim: So what’s your mood right now?
Bruce: *grunts*
Stephanie: Happy?
Bruce: No you fucking fuck! Jesus fuck Barbie, how the fuck do you even manage to solve any cases? *starts walking out of the room* All by yourself! It’s fucking remarkable!
Jason: Dr. Cox mixed with some Roy Kent.
18 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Damian: [posting to his Instagram story] Hey everybody! Today my brother pushed me so I’m starting a kick starter to put him down. The benefits of killing him are that I will be pushed way less and I won’t have to listen to his annoying voice. I’d like to reach my goal of three hundred dollars. This would allow me to bribe Todd to take Drake out for me.
56 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Tim: *grabs a helium tank* Hey Steph!
Stephanie: *turns around*
Tim: *pulls down the mask and inhales the helium* I am vengeance, I am the night, I am BATMAN!
Stephanie: O-M-G!!! That is amazing!
______________________________________________________________
This is one of my favorite jokes that I've wrote based on the iconic line. Cancer is a fucking thief. Rest in Peace Kevin Conroy, you will forever be the voice I hear when I read Batman comics.
33 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Jason: *going through the armory at the safe house* Hey Roy, why do all of your arrows have bluetooth?
Roy: Remote detonation, among other things.
Jason: What other things?
Later In Gotham City
Arsenal: *fires an arrow down at a table where a bunch of drug dealers are sitting at*
Bluetooth Arrow: 3...2...1...Bye bitch! *explodes*
Red Hood: Okay, that’s pretty funny. *drops in firing rubber bullets at each dealer*
Arsenal: *drops in with his bow drawn*
67 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Just reposting this now that the game is out!
Batfam Reacting to Gotham Knights Trailer
Dick: So sweet! I look like such a badass!
Barbara: Yeah but my costume is better.
Jason: That’s debatable.
Kate: Where’s the rest of us? There’s Dick, Barbara, Tim, god even Jason and he’s the black sheep of this weird family.
Damian: Fuck that, where am I? The rest of you aren’t even that important. Don’t they know I’m the only blood son?
Harper: Represention arguably matters more than a missing child. We all know Bruce has far too many anyway. If there’s a limit to how many characters then take out Jason.
Jason: Hey, fuck off!
Cassandra: Are you really playing the LGBTQ card over the race card?
Harper: Yas queen.
Bruce: Look, I’m not in the game either, but I’m not throwing a tantrum.
Kate: Bitch, you’re the reason the game exists!
Selina: What about me, I’m his better half?
Dick: Yeah but too be fair, you use to be a criminal.
Jason: WHAT THE SHIT!!! WHERE THE FUCK IS ALFRED?
Alfred: Please leave me out of this.
Jason: I surrender my spot for Alfred!!
Harper: Alfred was part of the gameplay video. He’s in the game!
Dick: THANK GOD!
Stephanie: Why is Jason even a hero? When we thought Bruce died and Dick refused to be Batman, didn’t Jason terrorize us and Gotham.
Jason: Please, I could use non lethal rounds.
Tim: Can you?
Jason: Maybe!
Duke: I at least want to have a cameo. I would be happy with that.
Damian: Maybe everyone else gets added as a pack or a special release or something.
Jason: Do you even play video games, Dami?
Damian: I played Zelda.
Jason: So barely, got it.
Dick: How have we not talked about the Court of the Owls being a part of the game! Bruce is going to be brought back from the dead and gunna kidnap me again!
Bruce: I adopted you!
Dick: Against my will!
Bruce: Shut up!
Dick: Okay!
Duke: Imagine having to fight Dick and Bruce as Talons in the game though.
Tim: OMG that would be difficult!
This isn’t Batfam During Quarantine related, it’s just something that’s been sitting in my draft folder for a while. Hope you enjoyed it!
327 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Batfam During Quarantine: Brawl
Dick: *walks into the gym*
Tim: Hey, Dick.
Dick: Sup.
Stephanie: We need to talk.
Dick: Okay. What about.
Tim: It’s the hair.
Damian: YOU NEED TO BE GROOMED, GET RID OF THE BEARD AND THE MULLET!!!
Dick: Where’s Bruce, Alfie, Selina, Duke, and Cass?
Tim: Bruce has been very busy, I don't think he's noticed that you need a hair cut.
Jason: The rest didn’t really care.
Dick: Good! That means I have a better chance at winning. *wraps his leg around Tim’s neck and leg scissors Tim to the floor, then kips up and does a back handspring landing on top of Cullen*
Damian: *dives at Dick*
Dick: *cartwheels to the side then dive rolls back, reaching for Damian's chest, grabbing him as he rolls forward and throwing him at Stephanie*
Stephanie: *dodges Damian* DICK!!!!
Damian: *rolls sideways and kneels, wipes the blood from his mouth and charges at Dick again*
Cullen: *gets back up and starts running away from Dick*
Helena: *jumps on Dicks shoulders with her legs wrapped around his neck as her and Dick start to fall forward*
Damian: *kicks Helena in the chest*
Helena: *falls off* DAMIAN!!!
Tim: *gets back up and runs off to grab a syringe of propofol*
Dick: *jumps back up and grabs a few 15 pound weighted plates and throws them at Damian's stomach*
Damian: *folds over and lays in the fetal position clutching his stomach*
Helena: *runs up to Dick*
Dick: *tries reaching for another plate but comes up empty*
Helena: *kicks Dick's back*
Dick: Ahh! *stumbles into the squat rack*
Helena: *tries to pin Dick*
Dick: *rolls aside and jumps up grabbing a weighted bar, twirling it like a staff, then whacks Helena in the back*
Helena: *she falls to the floor*
Stephanie: *charges Dick from the side*
Dick: *swings at Stephanie’s stomach*
Stephanie: *stumbles to the side clutching her stomach*
Dick: *strikes at Stephanie's back*
Stephanie: *drops to the floor*
Harper: *kicks the barbell out of Dick's hands*
Dick: *grabs Harper's side and throws her onto Helena, then grabs Stephanie and throws her onto Harper and Helena, knocking Helena out*
Jason: *grabs Dick from behind the back*
Dick: *grabs behind Jason’s neck and swings his legs up to a straddle V and swings them forcefully back down, rolling Jason over to his back*
Jason: *uppercuts Dick, rolls over on top of Dick and punches Dick in the face*
Dick: *brings his legs up and wraps them around Jason’s neck and uses his legs to throw Jason off of him*
Harper: *runs up behind Dick*
Jason: *charges at Dick*
Dick: *jumps up and does an arabian tuck, kicking Harper’s back, and rolling out of it*
Jason and Harper: *collide into each other*
Damian: *runs at Dick* DIE GRAYSON!!!!
Dick: *sighs and prepares to defend himself*
Damian: *slides into Dick's legs*
Dick: *face plants onto the floor*
Damian: *jumps onto Dick's back and starts strangling Dick*
Dick: *stands up and falls onto his back, landing on Damian*
Damian: *lets go of Dick*
Dick: *backward rolls off of Damian and lifts Damian up and throws him towards the wall*
Stephanie: *gets back up* Dick! Wait!
Dick: *freezes, hunched over a bit and breathes heavily, and looks at Stephanie*
Stephanie: Don’t you think this is a bit overkill over a hair cut?
Dick: *stares off for a second*
Tim: *runs up behind Dick*
Dick: *turns around and grabs Tim, steals the syringe out of his hands, stabs Tim in the arm, and lifts him up* AHHHHH!!! *throws Tim at Stephanie*
Stephanie: FUCK! *rolls out of the way*
Jason: *runs towards Dick and pins him to a wall, then choke slams Dick to the floor*
Dick: Ack....
Stephanie: JASON! STOP! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!!!
Jason: NO!!! THE BEARD MUST GO!!!
Harper: *starts getting back up*
Dick: *spits in Jason's face*
Jason: *rolls to the side and wipes his face* FUCK!!!
Dick: *Jumps onto Jason and continuously punches Jason in the face*
Harper: *runs towards Dick*
Dick: *grabs Harper and flips her onto Jason and yells in a voice so deep and raspy it almost resembles Batman's* STAY DOWN!!!
Harper: *starts getting up, then just goes limp*
Stephanie: *looks on in shock*
Dick: *looks towards Stephanie, breathing heavily from the fight that just took place* Run.
Stephanie: *takes off out of the gym and makes her way to her room*
14 notes · View notes
batfam-rewrites · 1 year
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Bruce: *walks into the breakfast room with his robe on*
Everyone: *frozen in terror*
Bruce: *notices everyone’s shocked expressions* What’s wrong?
Dick: Why wouldn’t you remember to turn off the intercom in your room Bruce?
Bruce: What...?
Alfred: Seriously, Master Bruce! How could you put us through what just happened? Especially to Damian!
Bruce: What are you guys talking about?
Dick: We heard Bruce.
Harper: *curled up in the fetal position* I took the batteries out but it wouldn’t stop. Why wouldn’t it stop?
Bruce: *realizes what they heard* Oh! How much did you hear?
Duke: Enough Bruce! We heard enough!
Damian: I don’t know if I’ll ever stop hearing it!
Dick: *comforts Damian* It’s okay Damian. 
Damian: Don’t touch me! Don’t! I can’t! No no no no no no no!
Harper: How could you think that was a good idea considering what we just heard?
Helena: Seriously Dick, how?
Dick: How am I the bad guy here?
Selina: *walks into the breakfast room* Good morning! *wraps herself around Bruce, then kisses his neck*
Cullen: Oh dear God!
Jason: No! You don’t get to say that after what we all just heard from your room, you cat-mothering seductress!
Dick: *gags* This is worse than battling Count Vertigo!
Selina: What are you.....
Bruce: I forgot to turn off the intercom.
Selina: Oh no!
Duke: Oh no indeed, Selina!
Selina: *sits down at the table* Look, it’s a natural thing that happens.
Damian: Please stop. 
Selina: You all know that Bruce and I have been having sex, so this shouldn’t have been a surprise.
Jason: *looks down at his eggs and sausage* Well, breakfast is officially ruined now.
Alfred: You will finish your breakfast Master Jason!
Jason: *grabs his fork and stabs the sausage link and lifts it up* Do you really expect me to eat this after hearing them?
Damian: I think I’m going to be sick.
Duke: I agree with Jason. I don’t think it would be possible to finish....
Jason: *shudders*
Duke: ...breakfast after what we just heard.
Bruce: Cassie, you haven’t said a word. Are you okay?
Cassandra:
Bruce: Come on, Cass. Say something.
Cassandra:
Dick: You made her mute again!!!
Selina: I don’t know why this is so scarring? You guys joke about it from time to time.
Alfred: There is a difference between knowing about it and hearing it Ms. Kyle!
Bruce: *places his hands on Selina’s shoulders* Darling, please stop. You’re making this worse for everyone.
Helena: *points at Bruce’s hands* THAT’S NOT HELPING!!!
Bruce: *removes his hands* Look, this is just a small
Jason: *shudders*
Bruce:...accident that in a week or so we’ll all laugh about.
Everyone:
Bruce: What did I say?
Jason: How could you bring up size after such a horrible experience?
Alfred: Just leave. I believe that it is best for us all to eat breakfast alone until this all blows....
Jason: *shudders and hits the table* ALFRED!!!
Alfred: ...over. 
Selina: *to Bruce* Wow, that was harder than you hit me this morning.
Alfred: *looks at Selina* Ms. Kyle, you have already lost first name basis privileges, so unless you want to be kicked out of the mansion for the next two weeks I suggest you keep all comments regarding you and Master Bruce to yourself! And Master Jason, maybe if you spent less time looking at things you shouldn’t be watching on the internet you wouldn’t be so appalled at every word spoken.
Jason: You looked at my computer?
Alfred: I was cleaning your room and you had it wide open on your desk. It would have been difficult not to notice!
Harper: What the fuck, Jason?
Bruce: How could you?
Jason: It was one time and there is nothing wrong with looking at porn!
Damian: *covers his ears* Make it stop! Please make it stop!
Dick: *slams the table* SHUT UP! SHUT UP! EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Everyone: *looks at Dick*
Dick: Look, this morning has been a bit too much for us all to handle so let’s just try and finish this amazing breakfast that Alfred made for us and avoid seeing each other for the next 48 hours!
Everyone: *agrees in silence*
Tim and Stephanie: *walks into the breakfast room holding hands*
Tim: Good morning everyone!
Everyone: *tries to eat their breakfast*
Stephanie: What did we miss?
Jason: *drops his fork* That’s it!
Damian: Nope!
Harper: I can't, no!
Cullen: I’m done.
Duke: I’m sorry Alfred but I just can’t eat right now.
Cassandra: *stays frozen in shock*
Jason, Harper, Duke, Cullen, and Damian: *all stand up out of their chairs and exit the breakfast room*
Tim: Okay then. *sits down at the table and fills up his plate*
Stephanie: *sits down next to Tim and starts to fill her plate*
Tim and Stephanie: *starts eating breakfast*
Tim: *sips his coffee* Wow! Alfred, this is by far the best coffee you have ever brewed! *takes another sip* This is so good!
Stephanie: Tim, you have to be exaggerating.
Dick: *covers his ears*
Tim: No, this is really good! The best I’ve ever...
Bruce: TIM! SHUT UP!!!
Tim: Okay. *takes another sip and whispers* Fuck, this feels so good in my throat.
Dick: *stands up* Okay, breakfast is officially dead! I’ll start clearing off the table.
Bruce: *gets up* I’m going to start working.
Stephanie: It’s the weekend.
Bruce: Working! *leaves the breakfast room*
Selina: I’m going to shower. *gets up and leaves the breakfast room*
Helena: *gets up* I’ll go start training. 
Alfred: *gets up* I’ll start cleaning dishes! *gets up and leaves the breakfast room*
Tim and Stephanie: *continue eating*
Stephanie: You know you should really be drinking warm apple cider instead.
Tim: After this second cup.
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batfam-rewrites · 2 years
Text
Dick: So I took my meds but a feel like I’m off my meds.
Tim: You know, I have ADHD without the ADHD!
Dick: What?
Tim: I have the symptoms but don’t actually have ADHD.
Dick: You know what that’s called?
Tim: What?
Dick: Hypochondria.
Tim: Hypothesis.
Dick: Hypocrite.
Tim: Hypersensitive.
Dick: Hydroelectric.
Tim: Hippopotamus.
Dick: Hippopotamus.
Tim: I’m dyslexic. *starts laughing*
Dick: *laughs* Shut the fuck up Tim.
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batfam-rewrites · 2 years
Text
Brooklyn Nine Nine has just left Hulu a bit earlier than I expected, which doesn’t really give me the closure that I really needed from it. I started watching this show back in January of 2020. I found it very humorous and I loved everything about it! When COVID hit the U.S. this show helped me go through all of the depression I had experience through the lockdown and I’m not trying to minimize anyone else’s experience of being in quarantine because I do know that there are people who did have it worse than I did, but I was fortunate enough to have this show. When the show ended in 2021, I was satisfied with the ending that we all got and I didn’t cry at all because I knew I was just going to watch the series over again the next day. Okay maybe I cried just a little bit. I’ve held this show close to my heart for a little over 2 years now and it is honestly my favorite show of all time, and unfortunately the only access I have to all 8 seasons of the series is gone. I know this isn’t the last time I will ever watch the show as there are other options that for the most part I can’t afford yet, but nonetheless I am devastated because of how much this show means to me. I will miss my mornings of watching the show and watching the show after pretty heavy moments as it made me smile and feel like I could take on whatever the day threw at me. I’m glad that I managed to fit in as much as I could though in the amount of time I had. Title of my sex tape.
Batfam During Quarantine: Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Dick: Nooooooooo!!!!
Barbara: What’s wrong, boy wonder?
Dick: Brooklyn Nine-Nine leaves Hulu in 7 days!
Tim: Oh, so nothing serious!
Dick: *grabs Tim* I will skin your body, Timmy!
Tim: You are obsessed with that show! That isn’t even a super memorable reference!
Barbara: I don’t think that was supposed to be reference.
Dick: It was unintentional, but I am devastated and I will hurt you. My mornings are fucking ruined!!!!!
Jason: You realize that the show is also on Peacock, right?
Dick: *looks at Jason* That’s an additional streaming service Jason!!! I can’t afford that!!!
Tim: *pulls up his phone* Yes you can, it’s pretty cheap. There’s a free option that’s shit, premium which is okay, and premium plus that is just premium without ads.
Dick: *looks at Tim* Are we in a fucking ad?
Tim: No, just saying you’re making a big deal over nothing. Like always!
Dick: *throws Tim across the room* No! You’re making a big deal over nothing! My mornings are fucking ruined! This is more devastating than any break up I’ve ever been through!!!!
Barbara: I don’t know if I should be offended or relieved right now.
Bruce: Just use my account Dick.
Dick: YES!!!! Thank you Brucie!!!
In case it isn’t clear, this is just a self insert. Unlike Dick, I do not have the money to afford Peacock as a streaming service or someone else’s account that I can use so my mornings are now officially ruined because I enjoy an episode every morning as it makes me laugh and also kinda prepares me for working with a bunch of little kids because of how silly the show is. I am also willing to bet that once this show leaves Hulu in 7 days it might actually hurt more than the break up that I just went through and I’m still trying to get over. I’m mainly posting this on here just because I needed to get this out of my system but I do hope that some of you do enjoy this! Looking this over it kinda looks like a “send me money thing” but it’s not, just a tiny rant.
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