arson-onasundaymorning
Arson
24 | she/they | queermy entire personality is made up of 3 things: mummy issues, spite, and caffeine
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Ouch.
Sirius who never thought he’d live to see 18. His family would kill him by then.
Remus who never thought he’d live to see 18. The wolf would kill him by then.
Regulus who never thought he’d live to see 18. He would kill himself by then.
Sirius who ran away early and made a new family.
Remus who outlived them all.
Regulus who was right. And killed himself at 18.
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existential crisis after reading "the body you occupied in your previous life is buried somewhere on this earth"
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"i love you on purpose" "its rotten work? not to me, not if its you" "if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more" "you can say anything and i will not abandon you" "i love you like breathing" "i'll be patient for you" "it's always been you" "i'll take your hand hoping you stain mine" "i dont think we were ever strangers" "you're half of my soul, as the poets say" "i don't love you despite, i love you because"
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*James lying face down on the floor*
Regulus: Hey Jamie, you ok down there?
James: *muffled into the floor* oh yeh, just the nighttime blues
Regulus: *concerned* the what?
James: *looking up* the nighttime blues. I spend most of my day surrounded by people and doing things to distract from the voice inside my head that by the time it gets to 10 o’clock and I finally spend 0.5 seconds alone with my own thoughts I am hit with horrible and inescapable depression until I fall asleep. The nighttime blues.
Regulus:
James:
Regulus: wow, you might be even more fucked up than I thought
#it’s me#I am James#anyone else get the nighttime blues or is it just me ?#source: conversations with my little brother#james potter#regulus black#marauders#harry potter#sirius black#prongs#moony#padfoot#jegulus#moony wormtail padfoot and prongs#night time blues
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type of gender fluid where i get to be a guy on public transit and in weed stores but a girl at holiday parties and libraries and something in between when i buy groceries do you understand because i do not
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Regulus: *crying because Barty is sad and there’s nothing he can do to fix it*
James: all you can do is be there for him, reg
Sirius:
Sirius: is this a bad time to say I’m proud of you for having some kind of empathy?
Everyone: yes!
Sirius: sorry, I just didn’t think he had emotions
#source: conversations with my little brother#marauders#regulus black#james potter#barty crouch jr#sirius black#jegulus#moony#wormtail#padfoot#prongs#moony wormtail padfoot and prongs#harry potter#fuck jkr#shitpost
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The thing is, Regulus does believe in love.
He believes in the platonic kind, obviously. While his true, lasting friendships are few, they are important to him, and he values them extremely highly. He would do unspeakable things to protect Pandora, would help Dorcas at the drop of a hat if she asked him, would follow Barty and Evan to the ends of the earth, through hell and high water, and do horrible, awful things if it means he could stay at their side.
The romantic kind is more complicated, but he still believes in it. He knows Narcissa loves Lucius, and he knows it’s real, and good, and true. He knows his grandfather, Arcturus, loved his wife to the point of his own downfall; that the loss of her broke him apart, and that it’s because he loved her that Regulus has not seen Arcturus since he was a small child. He knows it’s real, and powerful, and if he feels the flutters of it when he looks too long at Sirius’ best friend, well, that’s no one’s business but his own.
His life has seemingly been ruled by familial love, and belief seems like a paltry term to attribute to hit. He loves his parents against his own better judgement. Walburga is a tyrant and Orion is a ghost but he loves them completely, entirely, and is desperate for their love in return. The way he loves Sirius eclipses every other experience of love he’s ever felt; Sirius is the person he would die for. For Sirius, he would give his life without ever needing to be asked, or any expectation of thanks, or even acknowledgement. Regulus believes in familial love the way someone ‘believes’ they have bones, or blood; the proof is irrefutable. He is made of the stuff.
But Regulus’ every experience of love has proven to him that just as real as it is, it is also painful, and destructive, and if possible to be avoided.
Arcturus’ love for his wife destroyed him when she died. Andromeda’s love for Ted Tonks took her away from her family, and in line with that, Narcissa and Bellatrix’s love for their sister caused them immeasurable pain when she left.
Regulus loves his parents, but they hurt him over and over and over again.
Nothing has ever hurt him or made him more miserable than the love he feels for Sirius; and it was the love of Sirius’ friends for his big brother that gave him the confidence to leave. The reality of how fiercely Sirius is loved by people who are not Regulus is precisely why Regulus is left alone, in a house with parents who do not love him but who he loves fiercely.
So he washes his hands of it. Of the love he can help feeling, of the squishy, pathetic romantic kind that makes Narcissa soft and Sirius stupid, the kind that he can anticipate in butterflies in his stomach and strangle before it takes a hold of him, he washes his hands entirely.
It always hurts. Loving people always ends with him hurt. So Regulus refuses to do it.
It would take someone incredibly stubborn and determined to make him change his mind. Someone who believes in love just as much as Regulus does, but has evidence to prove it doesn’t always cause you pain.
Luckily - or unluckily, depending on who you ask - James Potter has a reputation for being particularly hard to get rid of.
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regulus, while being dragged down by the inferi, thought about the only thing that reminded him that happiness could still exist “at least james lives.”
just a little gloomy image that made him die peacefully.
he didn’t know that in 15 years he would have seen the same james potter’s child in that cave.
james, before voldemort had the opportunity to open the door, relieved his whole life in 7 seconds.
his favourite part was when he first met his best friend. his sirius.
that’s it. he’s the one in his thoughts the moment the unforgivable curse touches his chest.
“at least sirius lives”
sirius… just a moment before he was throwing charms with his godson, and in a question of seconds he was there.
in that endlessly veil, that would have kept his soul for the rest of the eternity.
his gaze fell on the beautiful moon that followed him always.
when he was alone, in his cell at azkaban all it took was for him to look up at the night sky.
his moon. his remus.
so, as the satellite stayed with him all those years, his memory would’ve lived in his mind until the end of the times.
“at least remus lives.”
remus. he sees green. but that green reminded him of the woods. of the nights he spent with his friends, or his lover only, trying to fight the beast inside him. he ended accepting it, afterwards. moony was in him for a reason. he thought he needed it to love someone more than himself. and that’s sirius.
his shiny star.
his lovely little sun.
he thought of how he would’ve reached peace, after all those years.
“at least, i lived with them”
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regulus black is for the siblings who carry the family responsibility. for the people who always choose flight because they’d rather die than speak/act. regulus black is for the kids who wore their hearts on their sleeves just to turn around and learn how to mask their emotions. for those whose self-preservation skills win out. those who prefer silences to polite conversation. when you love rain and the scratching of pens on paper. for those who don’t have a firm grip on their morals but they’re always, always trying to. regulus black is for those who keep guarded, but when they love, they love beautifully.
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plot bunny of the day…
Jegulus breaks up after Reg gets the mark, but ends up having sex one time that James is at Hogwarts for Order stuff at the end of Regulus’ last year at Hogwarts, which leaves Reg pregnant (yes, Reg is trans in this). Regulus then proceeds to tell absolutely no one about this kid, not sure even Barty or Pandora and just tells everyone he has to go to Paris for some potion training for a year (which he actually does) and disappears from public life for a year.
When he comes back, he buys an apartment for himself and his son (let’s call him Leo, I’ll come up with something better later) where no one is ever allowed except for Kreacher and Leo’s tutors. Now, this kid isn’t secluded from public life, he has a very normal life actually, just he’s never seen in public with Regulus. Why? Well, initially it was just because he didn’t want his family to know about how the kid came to be, but he also wasn’t willing to abandon the last gift James ever gave to him, as he’ll later refer to his son.
Then, however, the fact that our Regulus is still planning Voldemort’s downfall with Pandora also came into the picture, so he’s afraid that if they get discovered little Leo might be in danger. After that the story goes pretty much as we know it, except Reg doesn’t die in the cave since he tells Pandora that he’s going because this time he’s not taking chances, he has to go back to Leo. He also doesn’t leave a note for obvious reasons.
However, he knows that he’s still very much in danger of one day never coming home to Leo, so as soon as Leo turns 5-years-old he gives him a letter and a jar of chocolates that he’ll refill periodically, then he tells him to eat one and only one (he charms the jar) every day and that if the chocolates ever run out he has to take the letter and find James Potter.
A few days after Leo Black’s 8th birthday, the chocolates run out, and an 8-year-old shows up on James’ doorstep with a letter from a long lost lover that goes:
James, my dear angel,
if you’re reading this, I’m probably dead or worse. I will never be able to thank you for everything you have given me, and I’m so incredibly sorry to have to place this on you, but I have one last miracle to ask you…
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sirius: just found out my entire personality is a trauma response
sirius: kinda fucked up…
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I'm so delusional, I still think a James Potter will come into my life and fall irrevocably in love with me despite my cold attitude and sad life
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Sirius: Can you at least try to see things from my perspective?
James: *stoops over*
Peter: *crouches down*
Remus: *lies down on the floor*
Sirius: Assholes. You’re all assholes.
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*at some point during first year*
James: *talking about his parents and what wonderful people they are* Sirius, what about you?
Sirius: I don’t know how to answer that question without trauma dumping over everyone
#it’s me#im Sirius#i don’t know how to speak to people with functioning families#sirius black#james potter#marauders#harry potter#moony#wormtail#padfoot#prongs#moony wormtail padfoot and prongs#remus lupin#peter pettigrew#wolfstar#jegulus#shitpost#trauma dump
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Remus: Hey, you wanna go see that new horror movie with me?
Sirius: Oh, er… no, I’m afraid of blood actually. How about we watch that new romance instead?
Remus: *chuckles nervously* I’m afraid of commitment.
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12 yr old James to Sirius: I think your house is haunted, your dad is always mad and that must be why
13 yr old James: and I think you should come live with me and we can be pirates
14 yr old James: then you won't have to cry
15 yr old James: ...or hide in the closet
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Regulus: I like a hard man
Barty: so he can dominate you?
Regulus: no, so I can break him
#source: some girls bbcthree#james potter#marauders#regulus black#jegulus#starchaser#harry potter#prongs#sirius black#moony#moony wormtail padfoot and prongs#padfoot#remus lupin#peter pettigrew#wormtail#wolfstar#fuck jkr#shitpost#barty crouch jr#jegulily#jily
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