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andejoe · 4 months

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All humans were given a placement test to decide where they went in the galaxy. It was a simple test with three results.

Each human walked one by one into a room. In the room was a table. On the table was a cup. In the cup was q-tips.

Humans were sorted based on what happened next. Those who used one quietly went through door number one. Those who coughed when they used one went through door number two. Those who refused to use one went through door number three.

No human ever saw another human who hadn’t gone through the same door they had.

#humans are weird #humans are dumb #short #goofy #I’m a cougher #what are you?

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andejoe · 5 months

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No one wanted to ask. Someone had to. It was terrifying. But it made sense.

Of course humanity finally abandoned its planet. Everyone was surprised they hadn’t abandoned it sooner. Still, the concern was there.

What made humanity abandon their planet in a mass event? What thing was finally found to scare them off their favorite death world?

Of course not every last human abandoned the planet, but enough did that Earth was no longer considered ‘inhabited’. Humans flocked to other worlds, most choosing death worlds with similar biomes to the ones they preferred. (And there was a suspiciously armored ship heading towards Disney planet.)

The concerning thing was the humans kept going back. Never landing. Never breaking the atmosphere. Just driving by.

Finally, a delegate was chosen to ask the human council member. Poor Laeri was nervous, but they had been called friend by council member Daryl before. Surely this question wouldn’t be an offense.

“Daryl, may I speak with you a moment?”

Daryl paused, and nodded, careful not to smile. He was well practiced in the art of not offending. “Of course Laeri. What is the matter?”

“Humanity has recently applied for habitation permits for a dozen planets. As soon as the permits were awarded, humans left very quickly.”

“Well sure. The permits took three earth years to be approved. Most of the planet had been preparing for over five years at that point,” Daryl explained.

“Yes, that is not my question. The question is why?”

“Why were they ready?”

Laeri shook their head. “Why did they leave Earth? Humans have made it a point to ‘stick it out’ despite better options being available. Why leave now?”

“Oh, that. Well.” Daryl paused. He knew he didn’t have to report officially yet, but his friend wanted to know. “Will you keep it a secret from the council?”

Laeri paused. The answer being a secret did not occur to them. What could the humans possibly be hiding? Would they be able to hide it as well?

“I do not think I can keep any dangerous thing a secret,” Laeri finally admitted.

Daryl nodded. “Nor would I ask you to. It’s not dangerous, just a little experiment more like.”

“If it is an experiment, then you should speak with-“

“No Laeri.” Daryl interrupted calmly. “This isn’t something we want help with. That’s why we haven’t mentioned anything to the Viyon Academics. We just need time to see if it works.”

Their curiosity finally got the better of them.

“If what works?”

“A new society. A new civilized species.”

Laeri didn’t speak, but either from awe or concern, they weren’t sure. Daryl continued.

“We believe a species evolves when they start to take care of their injured and impaired. It means they have compassion. Well an intelligent species on earth has been observed showing compassion. We simply want to give them the space they require to evolve.”

Laeri considered the intelligent species that lived on earth. They were suddenly very concerned. Had the humans been duped?

“The dolphi are showing compassion?” Laeri asked.

Daryl almost laughed. “Not even close. No, we wouldn’t break the agreement we made. They’re not escaping earth anytime soon.”

Laeri felt immediate relief. “Then which species is it?”

Daryl smiled. He couldn’t help it. He liked birds. “Corvids.”

“But, but they’re so small.”

“We know. That’s why some humans are still there, zoologist types to help them grow, learn, and show them the way.”

“What if another species wipes them out before they get the chance?”

Daryl shrugged. “Well that’s why we left some warriors behind, to help keep the corvids alive while they grow. And of course to keep the dolphins contained. We do take that assignment very seriously.”

Laeri was excited now. Another avian species may be joining the galaxy soon. They wanted to tell everyone.

“Promise you’ll keep the secret?” Daryl asked.

Laeri felt their excitement dash upon the cruel rocks of reality. “I will.”

“Good. Here.” Daryl held out a small computer drive.

Laeri took the drive. “What is this?”

“The live feed of the experiment. You really think we wouldn’t watch? As soon as they reach civilized status, I have to report them. Until then, they’ve been completing some very complex puzzles and problem solving lately. You’ll want to start at the beginning but they post new information all the time.”

Laeri clutched the drive to their feathered tunic. Suddenly the small drive was priceless. “I, must go now.”

Laeri took off as fast as would be ignored by others. Daryl watched his friend, surprised by how excited they were. His watch gave him an alert.

“Ooh, a group puzzle. Wonder if they managed it this time.”

Daryl walked off to his own private quarters to watch the newest update on the corvids.

#humans are space orcs #humans are weird #humans are deathworlders #humans are space australians #humans are dumb #sorry I’ve been gone so long #the writing thing just wasn’t happening #no creative juices were flowing #but then this one hit me out of the blue #hope you enjoy

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andejoe · 10 months

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Tolcia was surprised to see her friend. Craig had returned from his extended leave of absence and seemed to still have his brain intact. She had too many questions to be patient.

“Craig, we must speak.”

“Is everything alright or?”

“Did you join Adam on the voyage to meet the Ancients?”

Craig smiled as he exhaled in a soft laugh. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to know.”

Tolcia bit back her initial reaction. “Yes, I wish to know. Now.”

Craig and Tolcia sat in the caf as he began his tale.

“Honestly the longest part of the trip was getting out that far. Took us two of the three months just to get there.”

Tolcia frowned. The math didn’t add up. How did a trip take two months to reach the destination and yet end only a month later?

“Hey, don’t jump ahead of my story,” Craig chided. “Anyway, so we spend two months getting out there and it’s just swirling clouds of color. Black, purple, green, reds. We couldn’t see anything. One of the historians who studied Lovecraftian horror decided to fly towards the black swirls.”

Craig pulled out a small vid pad and opened it. Tolcia closed her eyes first, unsure of what horrors she would see.

“Don’t worry, nothing will melt your brain,” Craig assured her. “But when we fly up there, one of the swirls came close and wrapped around the ship. It was a tentacle of Shub-Niggurath, which isn’t actually her name by the way. We were off on most of the names but even humans can’t replicate their actual names so they let us call them by the names we’d given them.”

Tolcia cracked an eye open slowly. She saw a blurry photo of her friend and several other humans. The ship was encased in shadow, and one human had glowing yellow eyes. The screech surprised even Tolcia.

“Ears!” Craig complained, covering his much too late.

Tolcia pointed at the screen. “This human! They are not okay!”

Craig looked at which person she was pointing to and then smiled. “Yeah, so like I said, we can’t pronounce their language, and understanding it is how you go all brain meltingly cuckoo which fun fact, is how humans knew about them in the first place, but in order to talk to us, they would just select a human onboard to possess temporarily.”

Tolcia covered her mouth this time, but she wasn’t sure her fear would even let her make noise. Humans just let themselves get possessed by the Ancients and Craig spoke about it with the same ease as he selects his morning caffeine.

He kept going, flipping through other photos. The shadows and blurs changed color and opaqueness, as did the human who’s eyes glowed various colors. Some photos were clearer than others, and some were distorted in unnatural ways. Craig mentioned names Tolcia would never look up and was afraid to remember, naming Ancients they interfered with and somehow survived.

“Anyway, after a few days most of the people left on the expedition were feeling a little murdery so Yog-Sothoth swallowed the ship and we all woke up a few days later being towed to quarantine off of the Dalsrr Medical Outpost. After some time in the sensory deprivation chambers, most of us were cleared to go back to our assignments. A couple of them had to stay back for specific treatments or studies, being possessed didn’t leave us unscathed ya know. But hey, Adam seemed more than happy with his new ability to see ghosts so I call it a win win.”

Tolcia stared in frozen horror at her friend. Craig recognized the look and paused to look down at himself.

“Oops, sorry, one second.” Craig ran his hands over his arms until the wisps of black faded away.

Tolcia inched away. “What was that?”

Craig shrugged. “So sometimes I get these like shadow clouds that will show you your worst nightmare. We’re not sure if it’s permanent or not and I have no idea what triggers them but they go away if I disconnect them from my skin.”

Tolcia stood up, turned, and walked away. Craig didn’t move. He knew she would probably take a few days off, but she’d come back. The whispered voices had assured him of this.

Tolcia finished her rough sketch of the ancient beings for her new human crew mate. “They are so ancient and powerful, it’s rumored that they are what the galaxies revolve around.”

Craig studied the picture in silence. He stroked his chin as he contemplated being honest.

Tolcia was excited to see that she was able to teach him something new. The universe was huge and humans were fairly new to it, but it was so rare that anything fazed them.

“What do you think? Terrifying, right?” Tolcia asked.

“Well,” Craig stalled, still undecided on how to answer.

Tolcia registered that something was wrong in her assessment. Craig did not seem surprised, shocked, in awe, or otherwise perturbed. “You know of them already?” She was wrong, she had to be wrong.

“Not exactly.” Craig finally decided to tell the truth. “Lovecraftian horror was never my particular interest, but I recognize Cthulhu when I see it. And that thing right there, that’s Cthulhu.”

Tolcia was perfectly still, stunned at the ease Craig had in front of the depictions.

“Humans named them?” Tolcia was quiet, almost fearful of this knowledge. Humans were bumptious, but even they wouldn’t be so daring as to name the beings so ancient there was no record of their beginnings.

“I’m sure we’ve got the names and some of the descriptions wrong, but yeah, a human named Lovecraft wrote stories about these eldritch gods like what, about 1000 years ago I think. But do you mind if I send this to my buddy Adam? He’s super into this stuff and can talk more about this if you want.”

Tolcia took a deep breath and let out a screech that made Craig wince.

“Apologies. Yes, I would like to contact Adam. I have many questions.” So many questions.

Craig took a photo and sent off the message immediately. “Adam’s gonna flip when he finds out that this is real.”

“I think the fact humans have known about the ancient beings for a millennium is going to cause a lot of flipping. The conjecture alone is terrifying to think about.”

Craig’s eyebrows drew together as he looked up from his communicator. “What conjecture?”

“Humans knew they were a possibility, and still decided to leave their own planet. Most beings didn’t find out about the ancients until after being in space for some time. And their first contact with them always sets them back centuries. How do you feel safe exploring when you know these aloof powers are out there?”

Craig shrugged. “I don’t know. Wanderlust I guess.” Realization struck him. “Wait, does that mean you know where we can find them?”

Tolcia screeched again.

#part two #humans are space fae #humans are weird #humans are deathworlders #humans are dumb #eldritch #horror #but only kind of #humans are space orcs #Craig

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andejoe · 1 year

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Jngyi loved teaching humans. Truly. Most of them were problematic in their own ways, but he loved being able to help shape them into beings that wouldn’t destroy the galaxy. One of his favorite lessons was teaching humans that sometimes there was no way to ‘fix’ something. Humans needed that lesson. They tried to fix everything, and sometimes made things much worse.

Jngyi gave his students the task of ‘terraforming a planet for habitation’. The goal was to give students a planet that could not be terraformed so they would admit the planet is undesirable and thus accept defeat. Most of the time, even humans would admit a planet would require too much money or effort to change or that attempting terraformation would damage the planet beyond survivability. Ganix was the planet assigned to the more stubborn or supercilious students.

The planet Ganix is unsuitable for life, any life. Most of the planet’s surface is covered in black water, both colored and contaminated by the ash of overactive underwater volcanoes. The excessive ash in the water choked any wildlife that had the misfortune of trying to live there.

What land exists isn’t even dry, instead covered in large patches of marsh. The three seasons observable from a safe distance fluctuate so quickly and harshly that these marshes freeze over and melt in a matter of days, effectively destroying any flora that tries to survive.

While it’s hard to call anything a ‘flood’ when the planet is mostly water to begin with, the tides still completely cover what little land exists when the lunar cycle reaches perigee for a full day every standard two weeks. The climate is no easier to deal with. Rain carrying enough ash to coat the ground, ice falling like rocks, or the excessive heat that accompanies the ‘dry spells’.

The planet isn’t even able to be terraformed as the unstable tectonic plates would fracture and cause even more geological disasters. Which is exactly why Ganix had been classified as uninhabitable and used only as a way point for those whose nav systems broke down.

Jngyi felt very confident that Millie, Elan, Rene, and Brenden, his four most human students, would come to the same conclusion.

The report Rene handed in for the group was over 20 pages long.

“This is quite the long report for what should be a very short sentence,” Jngyi stated.

“What do you mean a short sentence? Just setting up appropriate farm land takes up three of those pages. Elan wanted to write five but we convinced her to shorten it down.”

Jngyi quickly scanned his eyes down the first page of the report. “In our research, we have discovered terraforming in its current meaning is not required for habitation. What do you mean?”

Rene glanced at Millie, who nodded encouragement.

“Well, we don’t believe you need to alter the planet to adjust its climate or structure in order to live there. We believe that it’s possible to adapt to the circumstances available with a little bit of outside supplies.”

Jngyi slapped the report down on his desk. “The assignment was meant to make you admit defeat, not write nonsense to make you sound clever.”

Brenden stepped forward next to Rene. “We didn’t make up stuff! Everything in the report you haven’t bothered to read yet will work.”

Jngyi stared at the upset boy. “You cannot be thriving members of the galaxy if you cannot admit you are incapable of something. Ganix cannot be terraformed. The last attempt at it is what set off the underwater volcanoes to begin with. It is beyond repair and thus is not sustainable for life.”

“Well we say you’re wrong,” Brenden fired back.

Jngyi tried to remember that these were children, mentally unformed and unable to refrain from stubbornness and stupidity. “It is not just me. You’re saying the galaxy is wrong. You’re saying that you four know more than every species, human included, who’s tried to live there before. Even you must see how-“

Millie cut in. “What if they are?”

Jngyi paused to let the eager child’s words register. “What if what? What if the entire galaxy is wrong? How can you ask that?”

“You always teach us that the galaxy is always changing and it’s important to adapt. Well, what if this is another change just waiting to happen? What if they’re wrong?” Millie reasoned.

Jngyi shook his head. “It’s not the same thing. I’m sorry, but you’ve failed this assignment.”

Brenden started to say something, but Rene spoke up faster.

“Will you please read the report before making a final decision? You might change your mind.”

“Fine. I will read the report. But tomorrow the grade will be submitted.”

The four humans left Jngyi to read in quiet.

Jngyi put off reading the report until after dinner. He regretted that decision when he reached page two and had to start contacting other experts. Jngyi knew some earth history, but floating gardens and sun shades and buoyant cities were beyond his working knowledge. Certainly his students had done their research.

By the time the four humans regrouped in his class, Jngyi had a virtual group of his own. Experts in survival, plant growth, microbiology, construction, watercraft, and climate all watched the students enter the class. Each expert had their own copy of the report, along with their own research on the planet itself.

“Prof J, what’s going on here?” Brenden asked.

“Your plan is insane, arduous, possibly nugatory, but it may be viable all the same. I’ve gathered together some experts to question your tactics. If they agree that this could work, they will add their expanded knowledge to your concepts and we will submit this to the terraformation council for further review. If you do well today, this could well allow all four of you entrance to whichever field of study you desire after basic schooling.”

Jngyi motioned for the children to sit down at their seats. Each desk had their report and a pad to pull up more research during the debate.

“If you need a moment to ready yourself, please take it. We begin in fifteen minutes.”

——————————————

Deidre, the expert human on the terraformation committee, looked up from her itinerary. “Hey Kleri, why is Ganix on the schedule for the next meeting? I thought this planet had been deemed unlivable a long time ago?”

Aide Kleri nodded. “Yes Madam Deidre, you are correct.”

“Has something changed?”

“Apparently some teenage humans received the planet as a homework assignment.”

Deidre laughed, cutting off whatever else Aide Kleri would have said. Kleri waited until Deidre calmed down.

“Madam Deidre, why is that funny?”

“Because Kleri, there is nothing worse than a human teenager with a good idea.”

#humans are space australians #humans are space orcs #humans are weird #humans are deathworlders #humans are dumb #ganix #a couple of asks gave me this idea #I’m still gonna get to the asks later #but I wanted to write this first

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andejoe · 1 year

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Perhaps a guide on how to react to being seduced by a human?

Guide to Being Courted By a Human

First decide whether or not this is something you are wanting to continue to cease.

To cease the courtship, write a clearly stated letter and give it to the human.

If the human persists, ask other humans for help to stop the undesired actions.

To continue the courting, agree to the next activity the human suggests.

Tell the human in question that you wish to pursue a relationship.

Good Luck.

#humans are space australians #humans are space orcs #humans are weird #humans are deathworlders #humans are dumb #guide to

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andejoe · 1 year

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This needs a lot more reblogs than it has

Anyway if you see this you have to reblog and tag with a delight from ur day – even the littlest thing counts

#I got like 9 hours of sleep last night which was a new record for a not sick induced sleep #I’ve also been sending a new friend Star Wars memes

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andejoe · 1 year

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What do you think would happen if humans are the only species that believes in luck.

What if aliens never correlated crossing fingers, walking under ladders, seeing melanistic felines, as things that can affect an outcome of a project (or life's) success? What if humans are the only ones who believe in that kind of stuff?

Even non-superstitious humans cross their fingers for good luck, just because that's what you do.

Human right before they're doing something dangerous: Cross your fingers.

Alien: *visibly confused*

Brall headed down the corridor, stepping lightly around the larger debris. The corridor was still under construction after last weeks’ earthquake shook loose a ‘hobby room’ the humans had installed against regulation and without permission. How the humans managed to get weighted iron bars as tall as they were onto the base was impressive in itself, how they managed to get them into the crawl space in between floors was even more so.

“Stop!”

Brall froze, a quick response he learned after being around humans for so long. He saw no danger, no problems, or any reason for his quick change. He turned around to face the human who’d called for him.

“Why can i not continue down the corridor?”

Thane was moving quickly towards Brall. He was trying to protect Brall from, something.

“The ladder.” Thane grabbed it and lifted. He carried it to one side, collapsing it against the wall. “You can’t walk under ladders.”

“It was sufficiently high enough. I would not have bumped it,” Brall assured him.

Thane shook his head. “No, it’s bad luck.”

Brall wasn’t aware of what luck was, or even the concept of it. He was in a hurry though. “Can you walk with me and explain what ‘bad luck’ is?”

Thane nodded. “Course.”

Brall kept going, but diverted half his attention to the human.

“Luck is an invisible force that can change the outcome of anything regardless of what actions have been taken. You can have good luck or bad luck. Good luck is when things work out for you for no reason. Bad luck is when terrible things happen for no reason.”

“But walking under a ladder causes bad luck?”

“Yes, because you can attract good or bad luck based on what you do. Black cats carry bad luck with them, so if you see one, boom, bad luck. On the other hand, horseshoes are good luck. Bad luck is easier to get though, so you have to be extra careful not to attract it. Good luck is a lot harder to manifest.”

They stepped through the doors and headed for the next building.

“But are humans not known for their preparedness and tenacity? Why would a species believe in mindless chance when they are, well, human. It seems counterintuitive that a species who routinely looks death in the eyes and laughs would allow themselves to fall victim to such a hollow belief.”

They stepped into the next building. It was much smaller, only two rooms large. The first room acted as a barrier to protect the sensitive equipment in the second. Another human, Vikram, stood there waiting for Brall.

Thane frowned. “It’s not a hollow belief. There are things that happen that can’t be explained. Despite everything that is prepped or done, sometimes things happen and people don’t make it. It’s bad luck.”

Vikram laughed. “Dude, stop filling his head with nonsense. Luck isn’t real. It’s a small mind ignoring the butterfly effect. Things happen and just because you don’t know what caused them doesn’t mean nothing caused it. The universe doesn’t have an opinion.”

Brall was now very confused. Thane spoke as if luck was a human constant but Vikram refused it outright.

“Oh yeah?” Thane challenged.

Vikram shrugged. “Yeah. Luck is for dummies.”

“Cool.” Thane nodded. “Then I’ll just go ahead and take the narwhal toy with me then.”

Vikram’s face changed so quickly Brall almost expected to see a weapon appear.

“You touch that narwhal and I’ll snap your finger.”

Brall took a step away from Thane first, distancing himself from the potential danger.

“Ha! Now who’s superstitious?”

Vikram frowned. “I’m not superstitious. But if you move that narwhal then Brall and I won’t be able to fix anything.”

“How does the piece of plastic help us?” Brall asked.

Vikram shrugged. “Don’t know, but it does. So don’t touch it.”

“Brall, if you need any more information about luck, I’ll gladly give you some reference material to look up later. Because at least I’m honest about my beliefs.” Thane left, smirking.

Vikram shook his head. “Alright, let’s just get to work.”

———————

“I still don’t understand why the repairs aren’t holding. We worked out all the bugs.”

Vikram had been complaining for the last ten minutes. Nothing they did was working.

“You didn’t touch anything, did you?” Vikram asked.

Brall couldn’t lie. It was an unknown quirk of he species that humans discovered. So he knew he was caught.

Brall pulled the narwhal from his pocket. “You said luck was not real so I wished to see for myself.”

Vikram lunged for the narwhal, frightening Brall. Brall flicked the toy into the air and jumped backwards. Vikram grabbed the toy with a hunter’s focus and immediately rushed it back to its rightful place.

“I told you not to touch the narwhal!”

Vikram began scolding Brall, but Brall was distracted. All the red, orange, and black indicators were shifting to blue and purple behind Vikram’s back. The human was going on about how personifying the equipment and placating it was important, but Brall was only partially listening.

“It’s working.” Brall was in disbelief. Replacing the toy somehow fixed everything.

Vikram turned and smiled. He exhaled all the pent up stress. “Of course it’s working. We gave the toy back. It’s happy now.”

Brall made the mental note to request the reading material from Thane later.

#humans are space australians #humans are space orcs #humans are weird #humans are deathworlders #humans are dumb #humans are space fae #brall

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andejoe · 1 year

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Hi I'm looking for this one story and I think it was on your blog. Something about how humans are kind of like scouts, and this one alien doesn't trust the human scout, and later gets proven wrong? The planet they were scouting also had something to do with red grass. Sorry this is kinda confusing.

As far as I recall there’s no red grass on in any of my stories but maybe someone else remembers reading this as well?

#humans are space australians #humans are space orcs #humans are weird #humans are deathworlders #humans are dumb #humans are space fae #does this sound familiar to anyone?

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andejoe · 1 year

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So long as credit is given and everyone understands these guides are set in a fictional universe, go for it.

Crews Quick Guide to Humans

Quiet humans are not defective. Loud humans are not defective. Unless there is a significant change, assume your human is operating at normal levels.

Human words do not mean the same thing all the time. Look up the study of human tone if you want to always know what your human means.

Human females will smell of blood each month. If this changes, ask your human in private if something happened.

Human males often do not know how loud they are. Asking them to lower their voice is not offensive.

Human cultures vary greatly and various cultures have conflicting beliefs. Most humans will not be offended if you cannot keep up with this.

Humans do not share a hive mind but do have several musical triggers that activate a human chorus. These triggers transcend most cultural and language barriers.

All Stabby units come with a human locator setting. Use liberally.

Ask for a detailed explanation before agreeing to join a human on any non work activity.

Be aware of human hobbies and skills. Humans enjoy company and will likely teach you whatever they know. It is also beneficial to know what your human may do should they get bored.

Do not be too concerned over what humans ingest, so long as they do so willingly and with the full knowledge of what they are ingesting.

Unless you hear a human say something along the lines of ‘I hope this works’ or ‘here goes nothing’, assume they have a working knowledge at the attempted task.

If you hear a human say one of the above phrases, take cover as it is likely too late to stop or report them.

#I give everyone permission to use any of these stories for their own work #just be sure to tag me in it cause I wanna see #side note to everyone who’s sent in requests I promise I will get to them soon

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andejoe · 1 year

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While I am inclined to say human anatomy proves this cannot be human, it is best to consult with a human doctor first as it may be some condition which is not in the manuals I’ve come across. But the more likely option is this is a human lookalike trying to copy human behavior.

I wish you fortunate endeavors regardless.