the illusion was always that we just had to do it. just “do” the homework. the meal prep. the college application. just write the email, send the homework, follow up with that interview, clean your room. these are easy things, one-click things, two-hours-max things. we had so many people in our lives shout it at us. “why didn’t you just do it!”
often my answer was a soft i don’t know. an i-got-tired when actually it was more like - i couldn’t. i just couldn’t. it feels like everything is covered in snow. don’t you know that i’m mad at myself too? i want this stuff just as much as you do. i want to live in a clean house with good food and have an okay job and know i’m not disappointing the people i’m coming home to. i don’t like missing opportunities and having to scramble in a panic about last-minute things.
i’m a fully grown adult. she is posing for a pic on insta. if you want a life like this, go out and get it. it’s 2pm and i haven’t eaten breakfast. i am staring at the space where i should be working.
the rise of ‘aesthetics’ as a common way to describe literally every facet of yourself is like the most destructive thing I’ve seen on social media this shit is crazy. it is the most beauty obsessed thing in such a subtle and evil way.... it goes down to the books you read the chicness of your clutter the music you listen to how you decorate your water bottle like literally every single thing you do is scrutinized and defined into egirl or cottagecore or dark academia or vapor wave or baddie or whatever and it just forces you to quantify yourself and criticize every thing you do without break ..... am I sitting down in an effortlessly cute way? Is the mess on my bedside table whimsical? Is my shampoo luxurious and glamorous? And it’s all just a way to sell shit and profit off of your insecurity!!!!!! You watch yourself from an outside perspective, making sure you’re not just beautiful but you fit exactly into whatever box you strive to belong to, and it leaves no room for mistakes!!!! You can’t be embarrassing or cringey or gross or ugly unless it’s in an ironic way that fulfills a meta identity that is also quantifiable. Everybody has a uniform now that they’re trying to fit into. If you take care of plants you’re cottagecore if you play video games and like pastels you’re an e girl if you like sweaters and reading (classic white people books only!!!) then you’re dark academia you’re tailoring every single aspect of yourself and isn’t it tiring????? Isn’t procuring yourself tiring????? I’m going to rip a phone book in half