in all that time, I never did figure out which chain was for your light and which was for the fan. I’d reach up and tug, hoping to get a warm lover for the day. sometimes I lucked out. sometimes you were razor blades.

— alhwrites

Hey☺️ can i use your poems on my instagram feed?

if you do, please tag me @alhwrites. :-)

I used to pick the scabs off my skin because I couldn’t stand to see physical proof of my own body taking care of me. I used to hate it and hate it and hate it and all it ever did was love me. 

Why is that?

I’m sorry for what I did to you, what I thought, and still think sometimes. I love you back.  I am trying.

—  alhwrites

I am an anglerfish

trudging along in the immense darkness that is the deep sea.

someday, when our lights collide, we will find each other.

those distant little stars will glow with recognition: “this is what I’ve been looking for.”

all this time, finally

and you will bare your teeth and sink them into my belly like a wolf on a rabbit.

you will latch and you will not release.

and long after we fuse

you will wither away

until all that remains is the useless appendage of your memory, molded into me.

you will be the lumps on my flesh, feeding off my blood through our intertwined vessels.

dependent and senseless. a parasite.

all that is left of you

will be because of me

and we will be one

but you will be nothing

and I will be everything.

— alhwrites

I think you are meant to stay in my heart, but not in my life. I love you, but I can’t keep self sacrificing so much for you. I care about you, but I have to care about me too. Please understand.

— alhwrites

in a different life, we’re laying side by side, talking about how lost we would be if we hadn’t found each other and how miserable we would be if we parted.

...in a different life.

— alhwrites

I wonder what kind of girl I would be if the patriarchy didn’t exist. If gender roles and stereotypes didn’t stain my entire being. If I didn’t suffer at the hands of misogyny that molded the clay that was me. I wonder what I would do, what I would say, what I would like, what I would crave, what I would be. The likelihood of us being anything close to similar seems slim considering how many things could be different. I just wonder what type of woman I would be if I hadn’t been told from the day I was born how and who I should become. Would I still enjoy wearing makeup if I hadn’t been conditioned to feel better about myself with it on? Would my favorite color still be orange if pink hadn’t been forced on me and I didn’t care to make a point of rejecting it? Would I stand up for myself more if I hadn’t been taught to cater to the comfort of others before prioritizing my own? Would my natural instinct still be to feel wary of those around me if abuse and harassment and assault were not normalized in our society? Would I still want long hair if I hadn't been brainwashed into believing that my beauty is rooted in being feminine, and that my value is rooted in being beautiful? Would I be the same? How much, or how little, would that impossible girl resemble me as I am now? And are my interests and passions genuine—truly mine—or can they all be linked to some expectation to accommodate, some predetermined role to serve, some juxtaposing desire to please a system I don’t even like. Do I actually love video games as much as I think I do, or do I only like them because I think it makes me appear cooler to men? Do I actually want to get married as much as I think I do, or do I only want to because historically that was where the female fit in? Do I actually find solace in journaling as much as I think I do, or do I only find solace in it because it is the only time I can share my traumatic experiences without being called a crazy attention seeker? There is so much I wonder about, which parts of me are real and which have been tinkered with. Which is just pure me, and which is because of something else. A factor of the patriarch. Of course I’ll never know, but that truth does not keep me from being curious about the girl who does not suffer from the wrath of an internalized male gaze and the burden of internalized misogyny. I bet she is lovely—free of the shackles—and I hope she feels at peace.

— alhwrites

you will never get what you deserve if you stay with what you tolerate.

— alhwrites

If the person you’re with never changes, will you be happy with them for the rest of your life? Because if they haven’t changed by now, there’s a very good chance they never will. You’ve told them the things they need to work on, you’ve told them what they do that hurts you, you’ve told them how they could fix the problem—probably multiple times—and they’re still actively choosing to not correct that behavior. That is them disrespecting your boundaries and not giving a fuck about how they’re making you feel. Is someone like that really someone you’re comfortable being with? Or have you been settling? I ask you again, if nothing in your relationship were to change, and it were to continue on forever as it has, as it is now, would you be happy with that life, truthfully? With that person? Is that something you can gladly accept? If the answer is no, I urge you to please quit seeing their potential and consider if they truly are the partner for you and if you genuinely see yourself completely satisfied with them based on what they’ve shown you so far. Don’t look at what they could be or what they could do. Look at what they are and what they are doing. Prioritize your contentment; if the voice inside your head is telling you that the person you’re with isn’t right for you, please pay attention to that. Intuition exists for a reason. Don’t stay if you know you’ll probably regret doing so later. You deserve the love you’ve always dreamed of having, and it’s somewhere out there waiting for you. I promise.

— alhwrites

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but Valentine’s Day is a day for love. Not strictly a day for couples. You can celebrate love without having a partner, because romantic love isn’t the only love that exists. You can have love for your family, for your friends, for your pets, for yourself. For whatever you want, honestly. I had been dreading the holiday because I didn’t have anyone to spend it with until I realized it was still a day I could participate in. It’s not exclusive to anyone. In fact, I plan on using it to be extra kind to myself, since sometimes I’m not. I’m going to practice self love on Valentine’s Day to make up for the times I haven’t. I am the most consistent thing in my life. My body does what it can to keep me alive. I deserve to treat it well. I deserve love, too, whether I’m in a relationship or not. I want some flowers, so I’ll be getting some. I want some hibachi, so I’ll be getting some. I want a nice bubble bath, so I’ll be taking one. You don’t have to be “in love” with someone else to celebrate; you can use it as an opportunity to show love to yourself.

— alhwrites

you are the most permanent thing in your life. always. that won’t change. ever. so put you first. prioritize you. choose you. you, you, you. your needs, your wants, your dreams, your feelings, your happiness, your peace. never sacrifice any of that, and do not spend your entire life treating people who might be temporary better than you treat yourself.

— alhwrites

especially if they act like a temporary person: bare minimum, low effort, confusing, unkind, shitty, toxic.

I feel like other people maybe have a bigger impact on me than I do on them. I adore humanity, so I tend to hold on to whoever and whatever I can. The memories, experiences, and feelings I share with another person affect me so much. They help me change and grow, molding me into a better version of myself. I think other people are so wonderful and valuable and special, even if they weren’t the nicest to me. I think about them often, and am always thankful for the time we had together. Or, at the very least, thankful for the lessons I learned from them. A part of me will miss them forever; once you’re important to me, you stay that way, however much. I still have love for everyone I’ve ever cared about, all circumstances aside. But I can’t imagine anyone feeling the same in regards to me. It’s like I’m a speck of dust on the floor of a big house, something to overlook. A word in their vocabulary that isn’t spoken often. A fleeting moment that they won’t dwell on. A temporary character, someone they’re ready to leave behind. I can’t fathom someone remembering me once we exit each other’s lives, like all I am is forgettable. It doesn’t bother me too much, I guess, because you’re supposed to move on. That’s how it is. I just hope the people I’ve met got something positive or meaningful out of their time with me.

— alhwrites

okay I know this wasn’t the point of your comment but your comment was kind of a game changer for me and I just realized part of the reason I struggle with this so much is because I have like an inability to see myself as a victim when I should. like *trigger warning, rape* when I was raped I kept trying to justify it in my head and make excuses for the person who did it and friends had to like reiterate to me that I was in fact a victim.

but oh my gosh I’ve never thought of like emotional stuff in that way. It sounds dumb but this literally blew my mind. like because I technically had control of the situation and could’ve walked away or left them at any point it’s hard to recognize myself as a victim, but at the end of the day they still did me like that when they shouldn’t have. oh my gosh

Every time I get hurt by a man, I don’t get mad at him. I only get mad at myself. I literally can’t be mad at anyone else because at the end of the day, I’m the one who recognized his shitty, toxic, mean behaviors and chose to ignore them. I know when someone is going to be a bad person for me, but don’t do anything about it because I think everyone deserves a fair chance. I dismiss my seeing their red flags as overthinking, judging them before I get to know them, even though I’m perfectly aware that that is me noticing a pattern and not just me making an assumption. I always always always know better but always always always give the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to be proven wrong. Doing so always screws me over and bites me in the ass and gives me more things to work through and heal from, but I’d rather be the girl who gives people a chance than the girl who thinks no one deserves one. I know my worth, yes, but I also see worth in other people. It is not within me to turn someone away. It is not within me to give the cold shoulder. It is not within me to not show love where I think it’s needed. I wish it was. It would save me so much heartbreak and so many tears—I cry even as I write this, not just because my feelings are hurt yet again, but because I feel like such a fucking idiot. Still, I just cannot do that to other human beings, even when I know I should to protect myself; it makes me feel so awful, so sick, and so guilty. I just can’t do that to people. This is simultaneously something that makes me love myself and absolutely despise myself at the same time. And I have no idea what to do about it. I suppose all I can do is keep overextending kindness and hope that one day it’s not for nothing.

— alhwrites

I know this is unhealthy and I don’t advocate for anyone to be like this. This is just something I’ve recognized in myself and wanted to talk about. It’s how I reflect. It’s something I’ve tried changing over the years, but struggle to do, because again, it pains me to not give people a shot. It pains me to assume people are terrible without them proving it to me first. Part of my sense of self comes from knowing that I am the girl who gives people chances. It makes me feel good, even though you don’t (and shouldn’t) have to overextend yourself to feel like a good person. Just know that I’m aware that I do this, and I don’t think other people should be like this. I’m just talking about a conflict within myself.

Every time I get hurt by a man, I don’t get mad at him. I only get mad at myself. I literally can’t be mad at anyone else because at the end of the day, I’m the one who recognized his shitty, toxic, mean behaviors and chose to ignore them. I know when someone is going to be a bad person for me, but don’t do anything about it because I think everyone deserves a fair chance. I dismiss my seeing their red flags as overthinking, judging them before I get to know them, even though I’m perfectly aware that that is me noticing a pattern and not just me making an assumption. I always always always know better but always always always give the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to be proven wrong. Doing so always screws me over and bites me in the ass and gives me more things to work through and heal from, but I’d rather be the girl who gives people a chance than the girl who thinks no one deserves one. I know my worth, yes, but I also see worth in other people. It is not within me to turn someone away. It is not within me to give the cold shoulder. It is not within me to not show love where I think it’s needed. I wish it was. It would save me so much heartbreak and so many tears—I cry even as I write this, not just because my feelings are hurt yet again, but because I feel like such a fucking idiot. Still, I just cannot do that to other human beings, even when I know I should to protect myself; it makes me feel so awful, so sick, and so guilty. I just can’t do that to people. This is simultaneously something that makes me love myself and absolutely despise myself at the same time. And I have no idea what to do about it. I suppose all I can do is keep overextending kindness and hope that one day it’s not for nothing.

— alhwrites

Every time I get hurt by a man, I don’t get mad at him. I only get mad at myself. I literally can’t be mad at anyone else because at the end of the day, I’m the one who recognized his shitty, toxic, mean behaviors and chose to ignore them. I know when someone is going to be a bad person for me, but don’t do anything about it because I think everyone deserves a fair chance. I dismiss my seeing their red flags as overthinking, judging them before I get to know them, even though I’m perfectly aware that that is me noticing a pattern and not just me making an assumption. I always always always know better but always always always give the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to be proven wrong. Doing so always screws me over and bites me in the ass and gives me more things to work through and heal from, but I’d rather be the girl who gives people a chance than the girl who thinks no one deserves one. I know my worth, yes, but I also see worth in other people. It is not within me to turn someone away. It is not within me to give the cold shoulder. It is not within me to not show love where I think it’s needed. I wish it was. It would save me so much heartbreak and so many tears—I cry even as I write this, not just because my feelings are hurt yet again, but because I feel like such a fucking idiot. Still, I just cannot do that to other human beings, even when I know I should to protect myself; it makes me feel so awful, so sick, and so guilty. I just can’t do that to people. This is simultaneously something that makes me love myself and absolutely despise myself at the same time. And I have no idea what to do about it. I suppose all I can do is keep overextending kindness and hope that one day it’s not for nothing.

— alhwrites

you are allowed to end a relationship with someone if they aren’t loving you the way you want to be loved. it doesn’t—and shouldn’t—always have to be up to you to teach someone how to love you. you can observe how they love, and then choose if you want to participate.

— alhwrites

I know this isn’t something you want to hear, but I think it’s something you need to hear: sometimes someone’s inability to love you the right way is not their fault. If you are the first person to show someone pure, genuine love, they may not know how to reciprocate because they’ve never experienced it before. In turn, they may not know how to give it back. This doesn’t mean that it’s your job to teach them, that you have to tolerate it, or that you deserve it, but I’ve found it incredibly helpful in my own healing to understand that sometimes people aren’t hurting you or treating you poorly intentionally. Sometimes people will self sabotage good things because they don’t think they’re worthy of it. Sometimes they just don’t know what to do, so they ruin it, whether that be by running away, being disrespectful, or causing pain. Sometimes, people still have their own growing to do. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you, it’s just that you happened to be there in the collateral damage. I don’t say this to justify any of their bad actions, but to offer a different perspective that may aid you in forgiving and ultimately reaching your peace.

— alhwrites