y'all sell lizard dicks? asking for a friend

The closest thing we have in stock is a kind of lizard that always takes your parking spot. They’re kind of dicks.

I’m not sure why we sell these, actually. They’re all over the parking lot.

My bearded dragon keeps shaving his beard, and it doesn't match my aesthetic. I can't own a pet that doesn't like to beard it up. How do I punish him?

A tiny fedora is its own punishment, but will turn it into a neckbearded dragon. These do not breed in captivity.Follow for more lizard and fedora tips.

Who are the lizards supporting in the upcoming US election?

The lizards have been placed into the walls and floorboards of all major corporate and political buildings. So really, they're supporting all of them. Until it's time.

LIVE FROM THE FLOOR: IT’S AARON’S LIZARD EMPORIUM WITH DECISION 2016!

You’ve seen the frontrunners, now meet someone who can’t run at all: Sven.

Sven came ashore to plunder our collective booty, but when he saw the tyranny of a lizard-controlled government, he knew there was something he could do to help. He’s served as one of the few non-lizard members of congress for the past 18 years, and this year he’s running for election.

He threatens to “consume the competition” and to “ingest them using a raking motion with his fangs.” We wish him luck.

#VoteSven

It’s all hand-made here at Aaron’s Lizard Emporium™.

anonymous asked:

hello, yes, my lizard arrived without any arms or legs. is there a way to fix this issue?

We have heard your cry and we give you this. Hopefully it helps.

If not, there’s always the classic solution:

Further questions can be asked through replies to this post, or by querying us directly.

Aaron’s Lizard Emporium™

Such a beautiful day today.

What are you getting at, exactly? That would be a normal person. You can't tell the difference between them and a person because they are people.

Whether you're white, black, Chinese color, three raccoons, or an unopened capri sun (we've done tests), you're a human being with a soul, a purpose, and a beating heart.

Would you, perhaps, be interested in our racial sensitivity training?

anonymous asked:

Do you have any tips on how to tell people apart from forty snakes in a trench coat?

We get this question a lot. Here’s a helpful guide for the many of us who would be considered a threat to homeland security without it.

Further questions can be asked through replies to this post, or by querying us directly.

Aaron’s Lizard Emporium™

Seconded.

The Lizard Queen, for isopropyldreams, hope you likes~

anonymous asked:

Do you have any tips on how to tell people apart from forty snakes in a trench coat?

We get this question a lot. Here’s a helpful guide for the many of us who would be considered a threat to homeland security without it.

Further questions can be asked through replies to this post, or by querying us directly.

Aaron’s Lizard Emporium™

staff we here at Aaron’s Lizard Emporium™ are insulted that you continue to look down on our fine establishment and instead promote our competition.

This unemployment game is getting me down so I gave my resume a makeover.

thoughts on lizard people that may or may not control the government?

 A lizard government would be doing way better than our current one. We would no longer be prosecuted for sunbathing nude. It’s to warm up our blood, you puritans! If we were lizards, which we, according to the government, are not.

Is Obama a reptile? Let us ask you this: did he flick out his tongue to sense the heat of his opponents in any of his public appearances? We’ve caught McCain in the act. Obama, at least, isn’t a snake. We haven’t done much personal research into whether lizards currently inhabit our offices, but if Barack ever stops by, we’ll ask him if he has a cloaca. He won’t respond to our texts.

See our post “Lizards: the ideal animal | Part 1″.

You can snort lizards, though. Pro tip.

Follow for more lizard facts and advice.

Aaron’s Lizard Emporium™

Motivational t-shirts

Ever wonder why lizards have scales?

To weigh packages for shipping. Buy your lizards today.

Aaron’s Lizard Emporium™

Lizards: the ideal animal | Part 1

Because really, aren't four-chambered hearts a bit excessive? Come on, mammals. * Lizards have scales. Badass. * Lizards can re-grow their tails. We can't even regular-grow ours. * Lizards are more qualified to enter the workforce. * Lizards are, pound-for-pound, more qualified to run for office than most politicians (don't let the theories fool you, a reptile-run government would be doing way better than our current one). * They are either too smart or not smart enough to try to hide anything. Where's a lizard gonna keep a handgun? * Some of them have stretchy tongues. If you're into that. * A lizard is cheaper to provide for than a human. * A lizard doesn't have to worry about student loans. * Lizards cannot smile or frown. Thus, there are no social cues to misinterpret. Lizards are naturally less awkward than people. * Kissing a human can eventually get you married. Kissing a lizard carries only the risk of salmonella, and, in the case of komodo dragons, death by infection. * Lizards look cuter in a suit. Who are you trying to fool? * Lizards have no banking system with which to repossess other lizards. * Lizards do not try to control the electromagnetic spectrum, unlike the FCC. * Lizards care enough about copyright law to know not to care about legally prosecuting piracy. * Has there ever been a lizard war? Maybe. They won't tell. * Frilled lizards have frills. Humans have not been born with frills since the Victorian era. * Lizards are not prosecuted for hacking government servers. * Lizards come in more colors than humans do, and they don't even care. * One species of lizard is entirely lesbian.

When my lizard arrived it was dead, can I return it?

If you purchased a dead or undead lizard, this is normal. If you purchased frozen lizards for feeding purposes, this is normal. If the lizard left a note, signs of a struggle, or a will, you are eligible for a refund and a coupon for your next purchase. If it is within the return period, you may indeed return your dead lizard. Your neighborhood may have a mailbox specifically designated for lizard returns. Open the hatch, slide in the lizard, and quickly close the hatch. Lizards are picked up every day at 12 PM. Hatches are lubricated at 3 PM.