One Year Reflection

It’s been a whirlwind of a year to get where I am today. Although transitioning communities from moderately conservative to progressive is been tough, I’ve never felt more confident about my beliefs. I have a lot of friends who are curious to what caused me to “change beliefs.” (I put that in quotes because I see it more as evolving my understanding of life) Here is a complete, yet succinct timeline of my journey out of moderately conservative theology. (If you haven’t already, read my testimony about how I became Christian)

December 2017 - I watch Kathy Baldock’s video, which explores how the historical perception of homosexuality in America influenced where contemporary Christians stand today.

January 2018 - Gay Christian Network Conference, now known as Q Christian Fellowship. I meet hundreds of LGBT+ Christians from dozens of different denominations all over the country. I experience what it would be like to be in an all-LGBT church. I experience what it’s like to have a community in which everyone has the same sexual orientation as me. I learn that Side A and Side B people have a lot of similarities. I meet people who have transitioned from B to A. I learn that <5% of Americans wait until marriage, and that number is still small for Christian Americans. I meet progressive Asian American Christians (PAAC). I come back home realizing I’ve been isolated my whole life, and I should be working to make churches more aware about LGBT issues.

February 2018 - I join a local LGBT bible study. I start listening to Queerology Podcast, which has dozens of viewpoints I’ve never heard before.

March 2018 - I visit a local LGBT Community center, marking my first time willing seeking non-Christian LGBT community. Before then, I didn’t consider myself LGBT and did not associate myself with the rainbow flag. I come out at church and on Facebook as gay and Christian. 

April 2018 - I watch “The Greatest Showman” with folks from my LGBT Bible Study. I broke down in tears, because my heart was telling me how beautiful it was to fall in love. (More details here.) I got to meet a Bible study member and his husband and kids. It just seemed so normal - how could God condemn them for being a normal family?

May 2018 - I started to believe God blesses both Side B and Side A people. Biblical arguments on both sides seemed agreeable. I just keep thinking about how the Side A people I met love Jesus so much, and God surely would not condemn them.

2nd anniversary of my favorite video game Overwatch. Each playable character in Overwatch has unique abilities. Each character has different strengths and weakness, but when they work together they become a powerful team. Similarly, I have aspects about myself that are different than others, but in harmony with other diverse people, I am not more or less valid as a person than the next one.

June 2018 - I attend my first SF Pride Parade with a Christian friend who’s recently out, and a long-term childhood friend who was beginning to transition. The joy I saw in their eyes is such a contrast from the pain they have to experience from their homophobic family members.

July 4, 2018 - Steven Universe becomes the first kids show to feature a same-sex proposal and wedding. The show creator explains she fought for this episode to air otherwise children are “gonna think that they’re inappropriate, and they’re going to have a very good reason to think that because they’ve been told that through their entire childhood.” I didn’t realize until that episode that it happened to me.

July 8, 2018 - I attend my first ever LGBT-affirming church. A friend of mine cautiously reminds me that I need to form my own beliefs instead of copying what other people believe. God reveals me that night that my entire existence as a Side B Christian is based upon the fact that I’m afraid of losing friends if I become Side A. I realize God will still love me if I’m Side A. Moreso, I realized that God delights in diversity, and the colorful entirety of the human race is a reflection of God.

July 26, 2018 - I attend Revoice Conference and have closure with the Side B community.

August 2018 - I attend PAAC Family retreat. Not only is this my first time in a Side A space, but it’s with Asian American Christians.

October 2018 - Found a church of people who are super vulnerable and are completely comfortable talking about belief and disbelief. 

Other thoughts - I started to realize how pervasive heterosexuality is in straight people’s lives. Me having to hide or suppress my own homosexuality wasn’t healthy for my well-being. I started to date and I realized how completely horrible the “don’t date anyone you wouldn’t marry” advice was from my previous church communities. I realized that many Christians who claimed to spend time “growing in Christ” or “seeking to know God” are just basically repeating themselves the same things over and over again instead of seeking spaces that will challenge their beliefs.

If you made it this far and would still like to challenge your faith, here are a few questions to marinate in your heart:

Why don’t Christians spend more time talking about different denominations? What makes their own denomination the right one? Try spending fellowship with Christians of different denominations.

Same question, but replace “denomination” with “race.”

Same question, but replace with “religion.”

Why do Christians want to find simple answers instead of asking more questions?

Why do Christians love proselytizing to other cultures, but are unwilling to learn from other beliefs? If you’re trying to get someone else to eat your food, you have to be willing to at least taste theirs. I believe true humility is admitting one’s own world view is not more “correct” than someone else’s.

What would you say to two new members of your church of the same gender who are dating? What if they were married? Would you tell them they had to divorce to attend your church? What if they had kids?

I met a girl in Florida who loves Jesus, is asexual, and is homoromantic. Since the Bible only condemned sexual situations involving those of the same gender, why would it condemn this girl who loves Jesus and wanted to have a sex-less relationship with a woman?

I also have demisexual Christian friends. If there are people out there that experiences different levels of sexual attraction, why would Christians make the assumption that everyone has the same level of sexual attraction and base their sexual ethics around that?

I hope my stories bring you insight or challenge you a little. I hope this makes you more curious to learn about people that are different from you. I hope you learn something new every day so you can learn how to love others more. Have a great summer! :)

Gender Performance

I mostly had female friends in elementary school, but in my adolescence, I had to start making more male friends. That's the age at when it was strange to have too many friends that were the opposite gender. I also started to pick up on male-speak, which included words like "dude" and "bro." There are some other subtle phrases I can't think of off the top of my head. But I had to pretty much fake "talking like a guy" to fit in. I preferred to talk however I wanted to, and it was unnatural to speak in "man."

I've always identified as male, but now I'm thinking - have I been so used to "speaking like a guy" that it's all a lie? Especially around male strangers in everyday life I find myself subconsciously talking more "masculine".

I'm just self-reflecting on whether it's high time I start talking like how I want and who I am - instead of pretending to be more "masculine" than I am. 

Book Review - The Velvet Rage

Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World

A friend of mine lend me this book after I was remarking what it’s like to be gay in an all-straight community. Here are my thoughts on this Alan Downs book.

Things I could relate to:

The running theme of this book is how Downs touches upon how being in the closet affected gay men mentally, and how to reach self-acceptance and awareness in adulthood. “We concluded on the playground that we’re disgusting, aberrant, and unlovable” (p.12). If you read my previous blog entry, you’ll remember the importance of reminding LGBT youth that they are loved and accepted. I recently came across a Brene Brown definition for shame:

“Shame is the fear of not being worthy of real connection.”

And since many LGBT youth were treated as unworthy, shame found a way to grow in their hearts. “The avoidance of shame becomes the single most powerful driving force in life.” (p.29) I understand how Downs notices gay men filling their lives with experiences that mostly leave them unfulfilled. The two words that capture some feelings I feel about being a gay man are “self-indulgence” and “overcompensation.” While I navigate this life as an affirming gay man, those are two reminders for how I operate. We as human beings are all called to find self-acceptance, and it starts with recognizing emotional patterns. This book does a good job of that.

Things I could not relate to: Obviously, this book isn’t for every gay American man. And unfortunately, a good chunk of the book wasn’t really relevant to me. Firstly, Downs’s sample size consists mainly of 1) his friends and 2) his patients. Two generalizations he made were that all gay men seek lavish lives (p. 75) and have a fear of growing old (p. 98). Those comments in particular happen to be two traits of a gay man’s life that I don’t have. 

In the end, I can see some really good points that Downs makes. Instead of finding things to avoid shame and introspection, one should expect to just be themselves and be okay with being themselves. Only then, can we be leaders of self-acceptance and awareness.

Why our youth need more LGBT role models

If you haven’t read Rebecca Sugar’s interview with EW, stop what you’re doing and read it now. 

In summary, Sugar talks about how she realized how difficult it was to tell stories about LGBT characters. She discovered that in the TV industry, LGBT characters were too “adult” for children’s programming. Now, for those of you who aren’t aware, opposite-sex romance is accepted and celebrated in children’s media. From Mickey and Minnie Mouse to Snow White and Prince Charming, it’s not hard to name a cartoon couple. 

But for some reason, the TV industry considered it “adult” and “inappropriate” when two characters of the same gender fall in love with one another. It’s hard for some people to see, but I agree with Sugar that there is nothing more “inappropriate” about two female cartoon characters fall in love vs a princess falling in love with a prince.

above: In Steven Universe, Ruby, a soldier with magical fire abilities, proposes to her lover Sapphire, an aristocrat with icy powers.

Then it hit her. Sugar realized that there were young boys and girls that were growing up with the message that falling in love with someone of the same gender was inappropriate. That even liking someone of the same gender is inappropriate. How horrible that must be! Oh wait. I was one of those boys.

Then it hit me. Growing up, I’ve always stayed away from inappropriate things. Cursing, smoking, dirty jokes. Being gay? Well I guess society must think being gay is inappropriate because there are no LGBT characters in rated-G or rated-PG programming. I then went on to becoming Christian when I was 18 and didn’t come out till the age of 21.

This affected me. And it must have affected millions of other children. But how much more beautiful would life be when all children, no matter which gender they may fancy, can grow up knowing they are loved and accepted for who they are?

above: Netossa and Spinnerella, a couple in the Netflix series She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (Rated Y-7).

I am thrilled to witness a time when we can start empowering LGBT youth and educating straight youth how to understand accept their non-straight peers. We’re already seeing progress in other shows like She-Ra and the Princesses of Power and Loud House.

Recently, a character from my favorite game Overwatch was revealed as gay. Though I’m glad for more LGBT representation, I’m still more of a fan of fictional characters that are written as LGBT from the start. When writers reveal that characters are LGBT late into the game, they typically make it unclear that any thought went into it. That said, let’s support well-written LGBT characters in kids shows and teach them that it’s okay to be themselves.

Mascu-limiting

It wouldn’t be a queer blog if I didn’t talk a little bit about masculinity. Spending the last several years in Christian spaces, there wasn’t any room for queer voices. Let’s dive into some of the times where my masculinity was formed.

Childhood

Throughout childhood, there is an unspoken social order about how boys should play with boys and girls should play with girls. I don’t ever recall playing with boys during recess. My shyness and disinterest in sports meant I gravitated towards activities typically attributed to girls, such as jump rope, picking flowers, and holding hands with girls. I found it extremely unfun to play a game that was explicitly based on one’s physical strength and skill. How are athletically challenged kids supposed to feel good about themselves when playing sports during recess or P.E.? It wasn’t until high school that I actually got “physical education.” The teachers there taught me how to exercise at my own pace, and how to make an exercise plan. American schools aren’t the best places for introverts. The loudest kids usually get the most attention, and the teacher spends more time quieting the loud ones than encouraging the quiet ones. I don’t know if you teacher did this at your school, but when the she takes us on field trips she would always ask us to stand/sit in “boy-girl order”. That means if we’re standing in line at the petting zoo or something, we have to alternate genders so that we “behave.” I get that it is one method of creating “order” and calming kids down, but how does that even apply to me? I couldn’t socialize with boys on the soccer field, and I can’t socialize with boys with this “boy-girl” rule. How am I supposed to learn how to socialize with them? Why can’t there be a time when the boys can sit down and have an emotional or intellectual conversation?

If you’re a parent reading this, please don’t encourage your feminine son to do more “masculine” things. It’s like encouraging a parrot to swim, when you could be teaching him how to fly. “Feminine” boys have so much to contribute to society. Empathy, level-headedness, understanding, thoughtfulness, patience. The world needs more men like that. 

What I mean is, don’t use this as a weapon to attack the “gay childhood” experience. Don’t search for answers to why “kids turn out gay.” Accept their circumstance and learn how to nurture them as they are.

Adolescence

Gender segregation had an impact on my puberty years. By then, it was even more shameful to have opposite-gender friends (most boys were starting to think about girls). So I finally made my group of “guy” friends. We only really bonded through video games, but that was it.

It always seemed like the “masculine” guys at school had sailor mouths, and I never associated myself with that culture. That made it easier for me to start going to church in high school. I still had a tough time socializing in church, but it was slightly easier than at school. I also finally made male “best friends” in high school. One was a dancer and one was an art student. The former turned out to be gay in college (though looking back I think my gaydar was horrible).

Late teens

My first time feeling fully accepted as a person was in a Christian fellowship in college. Guys and girls alike welcomed and accepted me. I could finally have emotional and intellectual conversations with people. I was also finally invited to my first ever male-only event. This was hugely important to me, since I never ever felt comfortable in male-only settings. Especially something like this with over 50 guys. I was expecting it to be uncomfortable, but it was strangely satisfying. It seems like since most of these guys were Asian American, we could all identify in our fragile masculinity and strengthen our bond through culture.

I started using words like “dude” and “bro.” I started receiving those words as well. It’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, I’m excited to have my gender affirmed by masculine guys. On the other hand, I feel an immense pressure to gender-perform in front of them. As in “act more masculine” and “hide my femininity.” On the plus side, I learned more about physical touch between men. My church in college had a very touchy male population, and I greatly appreciated what I learned from them.

Adulthood

Still, men have a lot of work to learn how to be emotionally vulnerable. I came out to 7 people my first two years in college. 6 of them were girls. Because I could only feel emotionally vulnerable around girls and not men, I relied on my female friends and family to give me the support I needed to come out.

My last comment is a bit tricky to put into words. Let me just recount the story. I was hanging with some Christian friends on campus, when suddenly a pack of shirtless male swimmers walk by. Immediately, one of my male peers points them out to one of my female peers. Let’s just call them John and Jane. These two peers aren’t close friends or anything - John just turned to the nearest girl in our group and started teasing her.

But teasing her about what? I want to break this down. Was John really just teasing Jane about liking guys? What if Jane wasn’t into guys? Would John have done the same to me if he knew I were into guys? Was John in essence making fun of Jane’s sexuality? Was he making fun of her femininity? Why must John point out someone else’s femininity? Was John so insecure in his sexuality that he had to deflect his shame onto the nearest androphile? Why couldn’t John just face his insecure masculinity and just appreciate the male body? Why not just make a comment about the male form and not be afraid to come off as gay? Women can call other women pretty, but men can’t point out other attractive things about other men? 

I’m just getting started on this conversation, but I sure many of you have better ways to process your inner thoughts on masculinity. Let’s not limit ourselves to what we think a man should be. Dare to think what a man could be.

My Testimony (part 2 of 2)

If you don’t already know how I came to Christ, you can read that journey here. I made the choice to come out at my church fellowship, and I couldn’t have asked for a better coming out. I was a gay Christian who was following the path to celibacy. But my return to my hometown brought me a new challenge to face.

OUT OF THE CLOSET - How I became visible

Moving back in with my parents wasn’t easy. We had more of the same arguments, and I felt caught between my family and my faith. Eventually, this dispute went from deep contention to deep respect. From the shadows of disputation came the dawn of honesty. What I thought was a terrible experience with my family turned out to be the very thing that would bring us closer together.

This winter, I decided to buy a ticket to the annual Gay Christian Network conference. This year it was in Denver, CO. I heard about it through a straight ally, and I’ve always wanted to know more about the organization. I was not prepared for what God had in store for me.

Aside from finally being in a space where I don’t feel out of place, and meeting online friends in real life, and feeling instantly connected with people who are from completely different cultures,...there were 3 takeaway points I got from GCN:

1. There are parts of my identity I never noticed were there.

I noticed this when I was around other Side B folks, especially the ones who were more out than me and happened to be more flamboyant than me. I noticed myself being comfortable expressing my - for a lack of a better term - “femininity.” It was shocking to me how comfortable I felt expressing this side of me. It was like flapping a pair of wings I didn’t know I had. Was I suppressing my “gay” side my whole life? What else was hiding inside of me that was afraid to see the light?

2. Side A people aren’t bad Christians. 

I’ve been told my whole Christian life that Side A people were twisting or watering down the Bible, treading dangerous waters, living a life of lies, or just straight up not Christians. This negative picture of them caused me to cling to what I thought was the only way, which is to believe that God had called all gay Christians to celibacy. I especially cling since I still sometimes believe and act like I’m a new Christian. I could finally sit down and talk to Side A Christians face-to-face and hear from their perspectives what God was revealing to them.

3. Side A and Side B are not opposites.

These two camps were polarized by my peers. I’ve been told they “can’t both be right” and that they are on opposite sides. There is actually a lot the two sides have in common. The most important one is that we both want to help our churches understand and nourish us. Rather than argue theology, we should unite in helping our churches succeed, and we can learn from one another in the process. I also got to meet a few Side A folks that used to be Side B, and what that journey was like.

I could write several blog posts of how God used GCN (now called Q Christian Fellowship or QCF) for me. But in summary, this conference made me a beautiful picture of what the kingdom of God was like, and how I could be a part of that as a gay man. You can imagine the huge contrast I noticed coming back home.

I’ve been attending a large 1000+ congregation church ever since I moved back to my hometown. And even though I had been there for 2 years, I had not met a single other LGBT person that attends it. Realizing my lack of an LGBT network, I decided to seek non-religious LGBT friends for the first time. In doing so, after being out of the closet for 5 years, I could finally accept myself as part of the LGBT community. I came out on Facebook because I realized how many churches lacked an LGBT voice. I could finally let my Christian and non-Christian friends know that gay Christians exist and we have something to say.

OUT OF THE DARK - How God became visible to me through a new lens.

I was still feeling uncomfortable about my feelings. Was I supposed to live my life having crushes on men all the time and then just do NOTHING about it? To help me make logical sense of myself, I took the bold step to download a dating app for the first time in my life. Although it was exhilarating at first, I eventually realized the downsides to online dating and reeled it back to just passively looking. There were still a lot of questions I needed answers to.

I read books by Kathy Baldock and Justin Lee, and I was listening to countless episodes of the Queerology podcast. I was having conversations with LGBT Christians online, and I found a local LGBT bible study group. I was (and always was) an information sponge.

I got to a point in which I realized how Side A Christians seemed no different from the rest. They wanted to live life in honor of Christ, they want to center their relationships around His word, they make great parents, and they even seek out premarital counseling just like a straight Christian couple would. I got to a point where I was uncomfortable believing that God’s call to celibacy applied to EVERY LGBT person. 

I started to become bitter at my lack of LGBT exposure in my adulthood. It was even more evident when I realized I had only gone to heterosexual Christian weddings for the last 8 or so years of my life. What was marriage? What defined a Christian marriage if I had never gone to a secular one? What defined marriage if I had never gone to a homosexual one? 

God answered my last question in a humorous way. I got to finally “attend” my first same-sex wedding by watching two female characters in a TV show propose and marry. I watched that episode with a queer friend of mine. “Why do you still believe what you believe, Derek?,” they asked me. “I feel like I’ve been supportive most of your life, and your parents have been supportive most of your life. So why do you still believe what you believe?” I summarized to them Side B theology and explained I was still in between B and A. It challenged me and made me do a lot of thinking.

I had the opportunity to attend my first ever affirming church - although it was only 5 people and we met in the back of a restaurant. The pastor was really wise, and they had been in the gay church for decades. I really saw a deep care for people like me. A respect for seeking God in a way that only LGBT people can seek Him. As I drove my friend home from that church, I couldn’t help but be excited. I was excited to meet more people like that and have more conversations with them. My friend looked over at me and said something that really stuck with me.

“Derek, it’s great that you want to meet all these people and talk with them. But you can’t have them decide for you what to believe. Only you can decide what you believe.”

I nodded and kept driving, but they were right. I needed to make this a personal decision.

That night, I couldn’t shake the feeling that God was trying to tell me something. I went outside to the pool area in my apartment complex and lied down on one of the orange lounge chairs. The only light that was illuminating the dark, star-less sky was a single lamp post and the blue glow from the water. I decided to call up a friend. 

I wasn’t sure what God wanted me to do, so I just prayed with them on the phone. I began praying about how God made me and how I enjoyed the Earth he put me on. I prayed how diverse he made us yet how we couldn’t live up to His perfection. And then I realized the other beautiful thing He gave me. The power of choice.

By this time, my words could no longer be comprehensible over the tears and the sounds coming from my heart. My friend finished the prayer and thanked me for letting them into this experience. They ended the call. I cried for another 19 minutes. I couldn’t move my fingers. I couldn’t get up off the lounge chair. My body was aching with whatever was transforming me at the moment. But I was extremely emotional because I realized the power of choice.

God gave me the choice to believe in Him or not to believe in Him back in my freshman year of college.

God gave me the choice to come out or not to come out when I was about to graduate.

God gave me the choice to stay at my old church or move across California to live back with my parents.

And finally, God gave me to the choice to believe in Side A or in Side B.

What was preventing me from choosing Side A? That I would lose community. That I would lose all the people who had supported me when I was choosing Side B. That some of my churches would look at me with shame if I started dating another man. That some of my friends would not attend my wedding if I decided to marry that man. 

But you know what? God’s love is greater than that. God’s love is greater than my friends’ love for me. Instead of fearing what I would lose, I could hope for what I could gain. I could gain a more beautiful and authentic life. A life in which I no longer felt like I was cursed, but a life in which I was blessed. The beauty of God’s LGBT children was extremely evident in that moment, and transcended all of the fear I had of my non-affirming friends’ judgments. So I guess you could say that’s when I became Side A.

Since then, I have remained a huge ally to the Side B community, and I have received love from every person that I came out to as Side A. I hope to follow God and explore what it means to be a gay Christian, and I hope that anyone who reads this will be inspired to learn more about people like me while living their own authentic lives. I hope to have continual conversations around this topic, and I hope to humbly learn from those who have different opinions and beliefs than me. Thank you for reading, and I hope we can all bring peace to this complex life we all live <3

My Testimony (part 1 of 2)

There comes a time and place in social media where one has the opportunity to be extremely personal and vulnerable. There was a time and place where my testimony was between me and my Church community. There was a time it was between me and my close friends. And a time when it was just me and God. But since people have been asking how I went from Side B to Side A, I thought I could use this avenue to summarize for my friends what happened. And perhaps I can encourage a lucky stranger at the same time. Before I go into my B-to-A testimony, I have to set the stage and summarize my coming-to-faith background.

INTO THE LIGHT - Coming to Christ

I was raised in a non-Christian family for most of my life until a relative brought my family and me to church when I was starting high school. I was struck by how warm and welcoming a community could be, so I stuck around throughout high school even though my immediate family eventually stopped going. I never came to Christ, of course, because I held a deep secret.

Every same-sex attracted person has a different story, but there is one aspect of our lives that we have in common and that’s the closet. We all know what it’s like to live in the closet, and how suffocating it is. Until I went off to college, none of my friends knew. But that was about to change. 

My Christian roommate asked me to check out fellowships with him, and we found one we liked via a sophomore I met that summer. This church fellowship was an extremely welcoming community, and I got to hear people share intentional stories about themselves for the first time. Still, I would imagine I would attend this church as a seeker, since I had only gone to church for the past 3 years as a non-believer.

A few months into college, I got to catch up with this sophomore. He shared about certain circumstances and coincidences he had noticed during the semester in our fellowship. He then shared about how he felt a calling from God to disciple me. I politely declined because I wasn’t a believer of Christ. Not prepared for that answer, he stated that he still wanted to find a way to encourage me. He had chosen some Bible verses the prior night to share with me. One of them caused my heart to stop.

“An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Proverbs 24:26 (NIV)

He stated that he was trying to illustrate a discipleship relationship. I, on the other hand, was reminded of my deep secret. I liked men. I found this man before me attractive, and I didn’t know what to do or say.

“The reason I’m not a believer is because...I’m gay,” I murmured.

The compassion and grace that this sophomore demonstrated to me was extremely comforting. I shuffled back to my dorm, dumbfounded that I had shared my deep secret with someone I barely knew. I still had so many questions about Jesus. I could barely believe that what happened that day was a coincidence. And if it wasn’t coincidence, it had to be divine. I accepted Jesus into my life that week, and I had no idea what was in store during my time in college.

INTO HIS GRACE - First Steps in Faith

Walking into this new life was exciting and curious. By God’s grace, I was introduced to another closeted Christian, who helped cultivate the beginning of my relationship with Jesus. As the years went by, I slowly started coming out to close friends and family - one at a time. I dated for the first time, but it didn’t work out since he and I were both closeted. My senior year, a friend of mine who I didn’t know was closeted came out at my church. He allowed space for me to come out a month later. I captured part of my coming out process in a video project that I eventually shared at my church.

I knew coming out was going to be scary, but looking back at the video, my community gave me so much confidence to accept me as one of them. After I came out, I received so much love from a community that I loved back. To have God by my side in this process, I was growing closer to Him than ever. 

I came out again to the greater congregation, and I was honored that my church would recognize and talk about sexuality. Of course, I would still feel fatigue from having to come out every time I make a new close friend. And I still saw my church failing to be a safe space for several other closeted friends there. I thought I was going to stay there forever, but I had forgotten about my actual family. The ones who raised me before I became Christian.

I find it interesting that I have a reverse-role story than the rest of my gay Christian brothers and sisters. Here I was, a celibate Christian man, trying to explain why I was single to my gay-affirming non-Christian parents. My parents thought they were doing everything they could to love on their gay son, but I was choosing to remain single because of what I believed to be a calling from God. I can’t illustrate what that conversation was like, but tears were shed. I felt like obeying my parents was disobeying God, and obeying God was disobeying my parents. I made a choice that I felt was biggest decision of my life, and that was to leave my home church and return to the home in which I grew up. That to me felt like a calling from God, because He asks us to make a lot of tough decisions. This threw me onto another journey of self-discovery and decision-making.

(continue to part 2)

Revoice - Part 4

I forgot to mention how I completely feel the Holy Spirit’s presence when I’m with other gay Christians. Revoice had chosen what I thought was a fitting theme song for the weekend.

“Oh How Good”  — KEITH GETTY, KRISTYN GETTY, ROSS HOLMES, AND STUART TOWNEND © 2012

Oh how good it is When the family of God Dwells together in spirit In faith and unity.

This was a chosen family (if you will, from Grant Hartley’s talk) of God. We not only chose God, but we chose to come together in Christ and our united experiences as LGBT and SSA Christians.

Where the bonds of peace, Of acceptance and love Are the fruit of His presence Here among us.

Hundreds of SSA Christians are simply not accepted at their churches. How beautiful it is to finally be in a place where He is present, and acceptance surrounds us. This acceptance and love was what drew me to Christ, but it was also what I feared not having because of my sexual orientation. Tears from this.

CHORUS So with one voice we’ll sing to the Lord And with one heart we’ll live out His word Till the whole earth sees The Redeemer has come For He dwells in the presence of His people.

This was the theme of the conference. We are singing to revoice what has been told to us by those who don’t understand. We are singing to our Redeemer and coming as we are.

Oh how good it is On this journey we share To rejoice with the happy And weep with those who mourn.

I couldn’t help but rejoice with those who are making strides in their churches, and it deeply, deeply pained me to hear stories of oppression and misunderstanding by others. Simply hearing how Christians could simply could not come out because they were mistreated or ignored made my heart ache. (Double weeping on my part from this verse).

For the weak find strength  The afflicted find grace  When we offer the blessing  Of belonging. 

Offering the blessing of belonging had a huge impact on individuals I met. A couple of them had never met another gay Christian before. I know how lonely it feels to be the only gay person in a church.

Reckless Love - Cory Asbury, Caleb Culver, Ran Jackson © 2017

I’ve sung this song dozens of times, but I never realized what it means for LGB Christians:

Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine

This to me represent’s Christ’s love for the marginalized. Roughly 4% of American adults identify as LGBT. Yet the church often forgets we exists. Christ’s love doesn’t just settle with “well, at least I have the majority.” He chases down and loves every single one of his sheep.

There's no shadow You won't light up Mountain You won't climb up Coming after me There's no wall You won't kick down No lie You won't tear down Coming after me

The shadow here for me was how dark the church feels when no one’s talking about LGBT people. It took me 8 years in church to finally hear a message on homosexuality. The lie that Jesus tore down was the lie that “you can’t be gay and be Christian.” My friends came from several churches who believed this lie, and I can’t stress enough how heartbroken I am when my friends hear this lie be preached over and over.

I’m not saying that these songs were written about LGBT people, but it’s so clear to me why and how God loves His LGBT children.

Revoice - Part 3

The Revoice committee put together a marvelous array of thoughtful and helpful workshops. Here is just a glimpse of the ones that I went to:

How to Become Churches that Cultivate Celibacy & Mixed-orientation Marriages

Pieter Valk of EQUIP

This one opened my eyes to how much more a church can support a Side B Christian. I was lucky enough that my first church after salvation was fully supporting of my same-sex attractedness. I was on a panel two years ago at church, and a question was asked to me “How can an LGBT person feel loved and accepted in the church?”. I replied that I already feel loved and to keep doing what it was doing. Boy, was I naive.

There are 5 basic things a church can do to make LGBT Christians feel more welcomed:

Offer God’s narrative of sexual stewardship to all people. (When we leave out a group of people, our church is not whole.)

Talk about the reality of SSA among Christians. (Churches shouldn’t have to be affirming or non-affirming. It should be loving or loving.)

Start talking about this at an early age. (Average time between a teen coming out to themself and to a parent is 5 years.)

Effectively minister to LGBT+ people. (You can’t outreach to the LGBT community without making our church safe and whole.)

Become churches where people can thrive in celibacy and MoMs:

Practical steps for cultivating celibacy

Model it - Children must see celibate people thriving and leading. 

Teach it - The Gospel isn’t an imitation of marriage. It’s an imitation of the Trinity. Jesus didn’t lift up celibacy for only just a few people. In the New Heaven and New Earth, everyone will be celibate anyway.

Discern it - Unless 10% of straight Christians accept the call to celibacy, how will gay Christians be celibate?

Support it - Invite celibate people to be in the body of Christ. Don’t just have married-couple events, but have church-wide events. Small groups should be multi-generational. Celibate Christians should be invited to a nuclear family. Go as far as inviting them into nuclear homes for dinners, vacations, and even habitation. Form celibate households (like contemporary monasteries?). It shouldn’t just take 2 people to raise 4 kids. It should take the whole village.

Celebrate it - There are already so many celebrations for couples. Let’s highlight and celebrate our celibate brothers and sisters. Hold ceremonies for vows of celibacy.

Practical steps for cultivating mixed-orientation marriages

Normalize them - They are common and beautiful for those called to them. They were pushed for in the 80s-2000s, and pushes against in the 2000s-2010s. We only heard about the bad MoMs, but the good MoMs need to be cultivated and talked about more.

Teach accurately about marriage - which is emotional intimacy, vulnerability, commitment, and possibly raising children together. It isn’t necessarily about sexual attraction, romantic fulfillment, or companionship (and even secular sex therapists would agree about that).

Amplify their stories - MoMs contain both beauty and brokenness. 

Cultivate celibacy - a reminder that celibacy is an option instead of MoMs so that people don’t feel forced into MoMs.

If your churches are struggling to maintain Side B Christians in your church, this can help start a conversation. (Most of my notes just copied from Valk’s workshop).

Race and Intersectionality

I wasn’t planning on going to this panel, but I didn’t realize how much I needed it. (I’m not a racial minority. I don’t have any struggles about my race, right?) Intersectionality is the concept that the experiences and prejudice of one class of people is not enough to encompass a person who intersects from another class of people. Let’s dive in:

First we touched upon the differences between how cultures “come out.” White people expect a narrative of fear or misunderstanding, like how coming out is displayed on the big screen. Sueann Shiah recounted that her parents were quite nonchalant about it (Taiwan was the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage).

We then touched upon different viewpoints. Similar to Ron Belgau’s sentiment in the preconference, you can find unlikely allies with friends who have differing points of views. It keeps you in check, and people value those opinions.

In terms of the intersection between queer and Christian, I was relieved when I was reminded that there is no how-to guide to be a queer Christian. Sueann had to learn where her moral boundaries were by either pushing the boundary too far or sticking too close. I’ve been sort of doing the same thing these past few months. I was careful to make sure that I know the consequences of pushing boundaries.

We made the distinguishment between God’s law and man’s law. Sometimes it’s easy to blend the two. But it was at this panel I felt a tugging in my heart. I was assured that the image of God was goodness and that my heart for justice is from God. Of course, I was wary of how far I can go for social justice. The best piece of advice is: Do not invest in people who are not willing to invest in you. Likewise, do not try to teach people who you are not willing to learn from.

LGBT Culture and History

Grant Hartley deserved the standing ovation given after his workshop. Topic hotly debated, I am proud of his contribution to our LGBT Christian culture. Here’s a sneak peek before the video goes public:

Sexual minorities (or LGBT+ SSA people) have unique needs and gifts.

Sexual minorities produce a culture of belonging (that isn’t necessarily sexual).

They have good, bad, and redeemable aspects, which are complex.

I want to focus on what he found about the second aspect of sexual minorities in history. Several LGBT groups throughout the decade were actually opposed to the overt sexualization of their communities. These include activists groups like the Mattachine Society (1950). In fact, the largest mass shooting of LGBT people in the US was in New Orleans in 1973. These people were attending a regular church meeting at a gay bar. 

Unfortunately, entities like Anita Bryant, Jerry Falwell, and the Moral Majority used fear to silence and ridicule my people. I realize these victims were my ancestors - fighting and living to make America better for me. I owe my life to these strong members of my Chosen Family.

Here are my (scattered) closing thoughts from Revoice: 

You should be loved as you are. Not as you should be.

Typically missionaries need to research a foreign country in order to love them. Straight Christians should do the same for LGBT people. 

Likewise, God doesn’t call just one tongue to confess his name. God’s love needs to be shared in a person’s native language. LGBT people need to be in ministry.

People need to understand the different levels of coming out. There’s living “out and proud”, and there’s choosing life or death.

Churches need to separate sexual integrity/addiction ministries with sexual minority ministries.

Hugs are good. (I’m not trying to be silly. There is an important why God designed physical touch.)

And lastly, the burden of figuring out how to be an LGBT Christian shouldn’t be on the LGBT Christian. Allies should walk with us through our burdens, and this form of love trickles down to all Christians. Leaders should be calling out other leaders who are being ignorant of us. There should be public repentance if anyone uses the Lord’s word against us. We are simply examining and defining our lives, just as anyone else is, and we want to live our lives because God loved us. 

Revoice - Part 2

Revoice was the first ever national conference that supports LGBT Christian who wish to live out a traditional sexual ethic. Spiritual Friendship is a community of several “Side B” Christians who want to explore ways to live out their faith in a way that is unique to their experiences. Here are some of my takeaway points from the Spiritual Friendship Pre-conference and Revoice Speakers.

Ron Belgau

My main takeaway points are introducing what spiritual friendship is. He mainly used David and Jonathan as an illustration of a committed friendship. These two men not only committed their lives, but also the lives of their kin, to one another. He emphasized how society can only see love in romance, but not in friendship. Christians in America need to look at how God views friendship if they want to learn to accept new ways to live out a life of love.

Johanna Finegan

This woman knows what’s up. She starts off reminding the audience that most people assume everyone wants to be fulfilled sexually and romantically. That’s what makes Side B gay Christians uncomfortable because it makes them feel like their choice to be celibate is wrong. “Homosexual” doesn’t mean a person is sexual. These Christians are just asking for pastoral care that is specific to their needs. Being a minority in the church means a lot of what is said in the pulpit will not apply to you. This group is shoved into the corners and into the shadows. Then the group meets at a conference in St. Louis and is surprised to learn that they are not alone in their experiences at church. In fact, we shouldn’t be shoving these people in corners. We should be looking to see how God is using those who are surrendering their sexuality to Him. These Christ-lovers are simply saying that there is something more worthy than their sexual and romantic lives.

To a critic who thought rejecting the call to marriage wasn’t manly, she responded that there is nothing unmanly about refusing to marry a woman by believing he won’t be a gift to her, than marrying in order to self-indulge, to hide, and to find passive acceptance in the church. Mic drop. 

Brother Trout

Coming from a different perspective, Brother Trout shared his experiences about the changing values of morality from the present to future generations. As a high school teacher, he noticed that the “You can do anything you want to do!” mantra was causing kids to feel burdened, directionless, unsuccessful, unsure, and - in the end - complacent. On the flipside, limits (such as the limits that come with celibacy) define a clear narrative we can strive for. I was more struck by how much I could relate to the negative effects of that mantra.

Eve Tushnet

I was yearning to see a convert in the gay Christian community, and I’m glad to see this representation on stage. A “convert” is a Christian who didn’t grow up in the church but chose to follow Christ later on in life (that’s me!). Tushnet was shocked at why it was easier for gay converts to learn to praise Jesus than gay people who grew up in the church. Like others from the Spiritual Friendship blog, Tushnet was able to elevate the meaning of friendship by giving examples of David and Jonathan, as well as Ruth and Naomi. Straight Christians are afraid of the word “same-sex love”, but there it was in the Bible. It’s time to explore what God was trying to say with this form of friendship.

Ray Low

Yaas Asian American representation yass. “Life isn’t about what you can take from the world. It’s about what you can give.” I wholeheartedly agree with Low. The church NEEDS our voice. I owe it to him to kickstart me on this journey to share what I’ve learned with the world. I have something to say now, and I have an entire community who will back me up.

I just needed a place to dump my notes and thoughts from the conference. The Side B community needs to be heard, and the Church needs to support them. If you’d like to listen to these individuals who are leading the Side B dialogue, listen to their keynotes here.

Revoice - Part 1

First of I-don’t-know-how-many blog posts of my experience last week in St. Louis, MO. If you’ve never heard of Revoice Conference, it’s a safe space that  supports, encourages, and empowers gay, lesbian, same-sex-attracted, and other LGBT Christians so they can flourish while observing the historic, Christian doctrine of marriage and sexuality. It’s the first time in human history that “Side B” Christians from all over the world can gather to worship, to fellowship, and to learn from one another. This event really means a lot to me. I wish I had this 8 years ago when I was a closeted Christian! Although my experience as a gay Christian was mostly positive, I met dozens of Christians who either were closeted or rejected by their churches. Revoice was a powerful space to let us all worship in peace. Before I go into the details of the conference, I want my readers to recognize the scope:

This map represents everyone I met at Revoice off the top of my head. Some of these places are very friendly towards LGBT and SSA people. Some are not. Most of these Christians have dedicated their lives to celibacy, in gratitude of their new lives in Christ. Yet some still are misunderstood by their Christian brothers and sisters, with whom they wish to walk along side as they strive to live for Jesus. Oh how good it is On this journey we share To rejoice with the happy And weep with those who mourn.

(lyrics from “Oh How Good”)

Those few days I was able to rejoice with those who were able to worship as they are, and I couldn’t help but weep with those who had to hide themselves from their families. (Real tears!)

It was beautiful to see how God was working through an oppressed group of people for His love to endure all obstacles. Join me as I recount some of the sweet, brave, and thought-provoking moments of Revoice.

Farewell to the Side B Community ~ New Beginnings

[Transcript from actual video] Hello! This is my first video on the Side B group. I thought this was really fitting because I really look forward to seeing you all post your own personal videos of your own personal walks on this group. And although this is my first video on this group, it might be my last. I had an amazing time at Revoice. God has been putting me on this huge journey in the past 6 or 7 months. I tried to gather my thoughts for the week, and I want to communicate to this group that you mean a lot to me. I have been Christian for 9 years, and I have been in the Side B Community for almost 3 years, so the Side B identity is very close to my heart. The reason why I say that it might be my last video on this group is because God has put me on this entire journey to help me question what I really believe - not necessarily on what other people tell me what I should believe. I have already shared with some people at Revoice who were very supportive. I would like to share that I had adopted more of a Side A view for myself. I will never not be in support of Side B. To deny my support of the Side B community is to deny the nine years that I’ve gotten to know and love Jesus Christ. So even though I’m saying I’m Side A right now - which can also change in the course of my life - although my paths might deviate from what this group has held in its values. (Ohmygosh. So many bees- ... Flies?) I want to be as much of a support to you as much as you have been to me these past three years. I want to tell you that God loves you and that you’re not in it alone. I have been Side B for so long, and I owe it to you guys and to God how much you have helped shaped me. As per the Side B Facebook group policies, where if I change my views from Side B I would have to kindly remove myself from the group, I would like to share my love for you. Even though I’m not in the Facebook group anymore, I still want to be a support to every single person who comes across this group. Feel free to message me privately or even give me a call if you want to talk more about what I went through. I actually will be taking work off Monday so that I have time for myself to have personal time with God and spend time to share my emotions with you all. I know that there’s a bond I share with you all. I hope that we can be able to keep in contact. Please keep in contact with me! I’ll leave you this encouragement which comes from Joshua 1:9: Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. That is essentially our story. We are called to encourage one another to be strong and courageous. I’ll leave you with that and I hope that God brings all of us amazing things in the future. This isn’t goodbye, but I will...press the record button to stop the video so that we can continue this conversation. Thank you all. Derek out.

A Slight Case of Chronophobia

(Season 2 Steven Universe spoiler below)

This is Garnet.

She can see the future.

This isn’t a post about the popular animated masterpiece Steven Universe (2013-), but I wanna reflect on something that we can’t see. Our future. In a recent podcast episode, Rebecca Sugar, the creator of this wonderful TV series, describes how she created this character. A notable talking point is Garnet’s ability to see future possibilities, and how that affects her personality. Garnet comes off as a stoic and wise, yet compassionate character. Sugar provides some detail as to why Garnet’s the quiet type. 

“In every moment of her being, she is constantly calculating outcomes and carefully choosing the right words and actions. She spends more time thinking and analyzing than talking and acting. Therefore she has the appearance of a stoic character,” to paraphrase Sugar’s words.

I could not relate to this character more. I grew up being simultaneously excited and nervous of the future. I absolutely wanted to grow up, but I was always afraid to make a move or make a mistake. In some Steven Universe episodes, certain scenarios can tamper with her future vision. From that, she becomes frozen. You can see where this is going. God designed us without future-seeing abilities. He wants us to trust in Him and experience life without knowing all the answers. That is one beautiful aspect of life.

“You are an experience. Make sure it’s a good one.”

That Garnet line wasn’t related to future vision, but you get the picture. If we had the ability to see the future (or at least see future outcomes), we would extremely scrutinize our actions and we wouldn’t go anywhere. Through this catharsis, I’ve learned to let down some of my anxieties of the future. Why worry about the future when God designed me to live in the present? That’s our thought for today.

A Million Dreams

Welcome to my blog! Not sure how often I’ll be posting, but I needed a way for me to express my thoughts on a platform that was a bit less bite-size than Facebook. As a member of both the LGBT and Christian communities, this blog will draw upon either or both of those spaces. Let’s get right to it!I had the pleasure of seeing The Greatest Showman (2017) a few nights ago with some friends from an LGBT Bible study. I don’t consider myself an emotional person, but sometimes I’ll watch a movie that makes the water works fall. Actually if you haven’t seen it, the first 10 minutes are available to watch here. Got your handkerchief ready? Then go watch it and come right back :) I didn’t expect really anything from this movie. I knew it was a musical, so I loved that. Our bible study leader popped in the DVD and pulled up 4 chairs for “anyone who was seeing this movie for the time. We got front row seats for you!” The TV started blaring the opening number from what was passing as a built-in speaker. I got comfortable in my chair with a bowl of grapes. Ten minutes in, I was bawling my eyes out. Let’s break down how “A Million Dreams” got to me.

The Woman with the Apple

“Wow, I don’t know why I’m crying already,” I whispered to a new friend sitting next to me. I wasn’t REALLY crying yet. But I was gazing at the screen, and the expression on the woman’s face was worth 1000 words. The message was simple and clear: Those that have been shunned from society are the ones with the most compassion. That was a beautiful representation of kindness, and we’re seeing this through a broken boy’s perspective. Growing up as a closeted gay person, there was always that part of me was shunned from society. I see a lot of myself in that woman, and I wanted to be compassionate like her.

“They can say it all sounds crazy”

Side A and Side B! I can’t start this blog without mentioning the two. Side B holds the view that God calls same-sex attracted individuals to celibacy (and by association, called away from same-sex relationships). Side A holds the view that God honors same-sex activity/relationships. And they’re both crazy! From an LGBT perspective, living a life of singleness is crazy! From a Christian perspective, living a life that completely flips a long-lasting biblical interpretation is crazy! I’m so caught between the two, and it was a reminder how just being an LGBT Christian is crazy and complicated.

“Every night I lie in bed, the brightest colors fill my head. A million dreams are keeping me awake.”

I recently found myself straddling these two sides in the past few months. What does dating look like from a Side A standpoint? What do relationships look like from a Side B standpoint? I’ve been meeting so many different people from so many backgrounds – A and B and everything in between. It’s like I have so many different futures for where my life can go at this moment. I very much think about singleness and dating almost every day since I became Christian. No, even since I came out to myself when I was a teenager.

“I think of what the world could be, a vision of the one I see. A million dreams is all it’s gonna take.”

I started thinking of a world where gay marriage wasn’t so controversial. I also started thinking of a world in which gay people didn’t need to hide. I even started thinking about who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So many things I wanted God to reveal to me. As the world starts to be more accepting of LGBT people, and as my straight friends all start to get married, these dreams are all things I keep in my prayers.

“A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make / world that we design”

I started bawling somewhere during the Hugh Jackman / Michelle Williams dance sequence. Their characters’ relationship was forbidden. Something that wasn’t approved or supported. Yet, they were going to make something out of it. Something great. Something they designed. Gay marriage still isn’t supported in the majority of the Church. But even gay Christian couples have their own problems. Gay marriage is still a NEW THING in the States. Society doesn’t know how to live with that yet. Neither do churches. Gay Christian couples are pioneers at this point. They had no examples of what marriage looked like before them. Heck, I didn’t even know ANY gay couples growing up. If I DID end up pursuing a relationship with another man, I would have to pave my own path. That was scary but exciting to think about. I started crying because it was a beautiful thought. There’s something there in my future, and I just had to design it.So there you have it. Only fitting that I name this blog 1,000,000 Dreams. Thanks for reading, and I hope you got a little taste of what goes on in my mind :)