dream nr.14 the sinking boat

when the mind stops yet conciousness remains

dream nr.13 the house in the tower

giris kati buyukparmakkapi gibi cafeler var dar dar insanlar ust uste. aralarindan siyrikip giriyosun ilk bakista goremiyor bile insan orada oyle bir ev girisi oldugunu. girince ici cok genis fabrika gibi ve yillardir bakilmamis oldugu icin her yeri pis kara ve aglarla kapli yuksek duvarli genis dev kolonlu. metal ve camdan bir asansoru var. asansordu uc dort dugme falan var bina yaklasik 50 katli falan olmasina ragmen. biri yukari biri asagi biri asagi yan biri orta. yukari basinca cogu zaman en ust kata degil catiya cikiyor sifira sifir kaliyor binanin tepesinde. sen ayaga kalkip tusa basmakta zorlaniyorsun cunku cok yuksek ve cati cok dar. asansor orada fit kaliyor. benim ev de cati kati zaten. ger seferinde acaba catiya cikar mi diye geriliyorum. asagi inerken de giris kata degil bodrum kata inebiliyor ki bodrum kata her yanlislikla gecisinde korkuyorum cunku bodrum kata gecisteki yer kalinligi cok kalin (asansor can oldugu icin goruyosun) ama bodrum kata dev makineler var. her seferinde yanlislikla korkarak inince sonradan rahatliyorum. hep de bir iki ogrenci var makinelerin basinda. bu kez bir sinif var ders isliyorlar. ben evimdeyken (bu arada evim cok kucuk ama her sey bembeyaz ve evimden merdivenle catiya zirt diye cikabiliyorum. catida oturmak cok guzel zaten burayi da bu yuzden tutmusum arada cikip oturuyorum, cok yuksekte her seyin uzerindeyiz. bu evi daha once de ruyamda gormustum hatta, o zaman da yan kulenin catisindan bu catiya gecmis, eve catidan girmistim. demek asagisi da boyleymis. evler bitisik. o zaman da uzgundum, bir seylerden sadece bana ait olan bir yere kacarken buraya gelmistim. cok goz onunde ama kimsenin gormedigi. buyukparmakkapi'da yada karakoy'de 100 yildir orada duran bir evin tepesi burasi). ali abi var apartmanla ilgileniyor ama benim evden hic cikmiyor suan, banyosunda demirbas eksikleri oldugu icin onlari tamamliyor sagolsun ama gitmek de bilmiyor hatta uyuyakaliyor ve asla uyanmiyor. ben kiziyorum ali abi gitsene burasi benim mahremim diyorum bagiriyorum uyanmiyor. bir sekilde atiyorum onu disari uyuklarken. kapinin girisinde bir iskelet var sus gibi duran. bir ara uzaniyorum iskeleti de yatiriyorum. kaburgalarina bakiyorum bana dik konumda duruyor. kaburgalari hizali duzgun mu diye bakiyorum cunku benimkilerde sorun olabilir diye dusunuyorum. niyeyse iskeletin kaburgalarinda sorun yoksa benimkilerde de otomatikman olmamaliymis gibi. iskeletin kaburgalari duzgun ve dogru ama bu acidan baktigim icin ilk kez kaburgalarinin nefes alir gibi alcalip yukseldigini farkediyorum. neden boyle olsun ki, ici bos. koruyacak bir akcigeri yok diyorum. sonra birden, iskeletin bir sekilde canli oldugunu var oldugunu dusunuyor/seziyor/anliyorum. zararsizca ama o bir bicimde canli iskelet. yani materyali burada ama ruhu organlari ve iskeleti baska bir dunyada uykuda gibi ve buradaki, oradaki canlinin bir temsili/parcasi gibi. kac zamandir orada duran onemsiz bir nesnenin beni boyle suprize ugratmasina sasiriyor ve korkuyorum. bir tane de kucugu var simdi. bu arada iskeletler yanmislar gibi siyah, binanin icindeki her sey gibi. cocuk iskeletle buyuk iskeleti alip asansore biniyorum onlari evden cikarticam. korkulu asansore yine bindim. yine tam nerede duracagi belli degil. bu asansoru de ruyamda daha onceden gordum 4 katli evde, 4 katli ev 100 katli gibi yanlis katlarda dururdu hep. yine boyle ama bu kez ara katlarda gitmedim. aprtmanda aslinda cokca yasayan da var ama kimse ya bundan rahatsiz degil, yada bir tek bana geldiginde yanlis katlarda duruyor. zemine inmek icin asagi tusuna basiyorum ama depo katina iniyorum elimde iskeletlerle. buradan hep cok korkuyorum. hangar gibi. ama ders var allahtan. tamam girise degil buraya biraksam da olur. izin almak icin dersin hocasini bulmak uzere bir ogrenciye sormak icin bakiniyorum. biri one cikiyor. bu cougu daha once de gordum gibi. sapsari saclari su yesili gozleri var. gozunde surme var ve elma yiyor. cok duzgun bir turkcesi var beyefendi bir cocuk. bana masasindan kalkip ilgiyle yaklasip sizde yoga durusu var diyor konu acmak icin, yoga mi yapiyorsunuz. adini soyluyor adi necde. ben neden necdet degil yoksa nejat da degil diye aklim anlamaya calisirken bir an duraliyorum. cocuk daha once de bahcede tanistigimizi soyluyor. elimde iskeletler var hala bi turlu birakamadim kafam karisiyor. burada uyandim.

dream nr.12 the legend of the donkey fish

istanbul'dan bir arkadasim geliyor beni ziyarete.

dream nr.11 the bridge

köprünün taşları her biri birbirinden bağımsız özel bir mimariyle inşa edildiş. o yüzden dikkat et taşlar biraz yerinden kayabilir diyor anlatan kişi. birinin üzerine basar gibi yapıyorum evet biraz oynuyor. sanki özel bir harcın içinde sanki harç taşların hepsini birbirinden bağımsız tutuyor ama o taşlar ve teknik ile o köprü çok güçlü olarak ayakta kalmış antik bir köprü. köprü yüksek. altından eskiden sular akarmuş. üzeri açık ama yanları insan boyundan yüksek duvarları var. o duvarlar içinde de dışarı açılan kapı gibi boşluklar var, sanki insanlar üzerinden geçsin ama orada suyun üzerinde güneşin karşısında birlikte keyifli zaman da geçirsinler diye de yapılmış gibi. hatta o kapıların önünde de teras gibi alanlar var, bu teras alanlarında insanların oturduğunu düşünüyorum. köprünün yolu enlemesine geniş. hem gidiş hem geliş için geniş, çarşı yolu gibi. yerlerde ise o köprüyü özel yapan şeyleri görebilecrğin boşluklar var: yapının oynak taşlarının yanı sıra, sanki kapıların kilit taşı gibi, bu yapının kilit taşları var stratejik yerlerde. adı da damla taşı gibi bir şeydi. damla taşları pürüzsüzce küreleştirilmiş mermer bloklar. bu bloklar bu şehirde yaşayan insan sayısı kadar ve onların her birini temsil ediyormuş. köprüyü yüzyıllar boyu sağlam tutan sır da bu damla taşlar. gözyaşı yaş gibi bir şey de olabilir. yürüme yolunun zeminine turistik sebeplerle açılmış bir boşluktan bu taşı izlediğimi hatırlıyorum. ama köprü üzerinde başka turistler de vardı ve ben köprüyü geçmedim. henüz başındaydım. köprünün mimarisini ve bir zamanlar buranın insanlarına sunduğu yaşamı anlamaya çalıştım.

dream nr.10 deep water heart beat

I jumped on a small boat from mediterreanen and sailed to south-west, where the final destinaton was the intersection of two oceans, open in the atlantic ocean. (I recall sailing to these far lands in another dream. I remember that I sailed to south-east, where I reached to the extreme greenery, probably some islands where at the ecuador or even below. What I’m sure is, I clearly have a sense of navigation feeling in the dream on earth’s seas and have a vision of the globe) when I arrived to this nowhere, I jumped into the ocean. At first, Ifloated. I remember fear so I wasbreathing very fequently and deeply. But the strange thing is, that was the reason that I was there. I went there to experience something. Something I come up with. Then I tried to control my breath. I cleared my mind, closed my eyes and tried to be calm to regulate my breath. So I did. It was slower. But still not enough. I still was feeling fear or the unknown underneath me and the alien environment. But I kept going. I breath even slower. Good job, I started to sink a little. Just a little. It was working. I was almost the half way, hanging in the water. Dense coctail of emotions, dominantly fear and my hardwork to recognize my fear and balance it with peace. not overcoming, but knowing and understanding and eventually balance it with peace to reach it to the state of nothingness. It was extremely hard. I was slowening my breath gradualy, and against fear everytime, but with succes so I kept going. But on the halfway, I made it. I recall recognizing the water above me, the feelng of that I cant get out if I want to, but that didn’t stressed me, I felt glad to be there. Gratitude was the last thing before the nothingness. When I entirely succeed not breathing, my consciousness got a hand size above from my body. I was still feeling my body and the increasing water pressure on it in every level, but my sight was above. I wasn’t breathing, yet I was alive. I hit the ground. Set there, -for a while, nicely. It was a whole coplete peace and nothingness. I was like a reef, a natural object that was there for a loong time. When I understood that I could stay there, breathless, fearless, as long as I want, the big portion of the experience was done. Then I started to get some oxygen to my lungs but it was like almost none. So little. Then I incread the amount level by level. I don’t know where I found oxygen when I had any on my body. but that also must be the part of the meditation. Probably it was there, but like in cells or something, in the smallest scale, as much as just enough, not more.. While I was gathering my breath again, my body and I was raising. I regulated my breath again, I was so slow breathing in an out that I was almost not breathing. On the half way, my lungs were getting wider just close to the breath that you take in your sleep. I reached to the surface. Just with a slow, easy lift. Almost like the water was accompanying me in my peaceful journey. 

The intention was, controling my humanly fears, so my breath and my bodily funchtions to control the outher pressure and became one with the ocean in whole, but while trying to achieve it, to reach nothingness the midst of it.

Strangely, I must’ve been waken up in that particular piece of the dream (my eyes feels like they were open. But this happened many times, probably they were closed, but I was acknowledging myself and yet seeing the enviroment), where I felt my consciousness was above my body in the dream, because I remember recognizing myself breathing too slowly in my bed, and I had a cold feeling on my forehead and it was almost like my forehead was open and windy and chill somehow, and it felt like the color blue.

the serenity in chaos.

if you sleep close enough to the sea, and happen to put your one ear on the earth in a windy night, from that ear down from the ground you'll be hearing the sound of waves, almost ripping the stones off into the sea, sounds close enough to a painful wheezy inhale. Patiently few seconds later from your open ear, expect to hear the sound of mad waves releasing all the loaded power of sea back to you, which almost sounds like exhaling a deep breath with a big relief. The duality happens in rhythm to forever while you're gazing through the silvered sky, looking deep into space. Try to sych your breath with it. you'll recognize the balance of caotic pain and disruptive power in the night, which will make you feel that you relate and you belong.

the wordless concepts.

// writing aloud (as thinking aloud). // the constancy of the instantaneously balanced energy that arises from the two inequal power sources. //

.

multidimentional thinking.

the snapshot.

the long time distance from deciding to buy an orange juice then waiting and deciding not to:

a group of kids, sitting, showing something interesting to eachother, raising arms to an adult, one of them are always a crazy one provocating the others. they are watching him in great interest, laughing at him. the two calm adults watching an eye of them. their calmness was very matched with kids' joy. in very nicely figured balance.

few guys looking right into my eyes. my thoughtful and observing mind. how everyone was in their own individual bussiness in the same avenue. faces gestures and couple of people buying corn. waiting for it, thinking that it's hot, handling carefully. very humanly.

creativity of science.

creativity is not colors and pink puke and unicorns, that's foolishness. creativity is being fascinated and bewildered by the truth. it's rock solid, serious and gives you the chills, it looks nothing like anything you know about seriousness. it's a different serious. it's a gory beauty.

the observer & the orion.

orion orion, ancient warden of nightly riddles and mischievous joy, if I stand here still which one of us 'in motion' after all? you, me... or the whole?

cognition, said the old wise, needs perception first, keep that in mind. limitation of how you percieve, limits what you cognize, lies for the ears of whom are blind, one way truth is a quest of a simple mind.

find truth in multi-truthness in once, that is both and neihter false, and or right. that is each and all. so it is opposite of confusion, confusion is a failed try of simple mind. but the burgeon was a seed once. that is acceptance of all. all that you can't percieve, like the dimentions higher and below.

normal to think, considering you can't cognize beyond your perception. past, now and then; a split second ago and a split second after... you, me, the whole are constructed, -in motion. in one glimpse and frame by frame. each and alltogether.

pressing all the buttons of the piano at the same time.  when you speed up the sequance, you'll hear only one tone.

magic appears in sparkles, not only when carrying over the information in time through existing, but advancing it. you bless your intelligence and, -I'll bless the night

the observer at the window.

she’s not what as she seems -standing still, (surrounded by emptyness)

you need to feel hapenance with all of her selves together, that are meanwhile happening at the same exact time. (surounded by the fullness)

the thousands of crush

I was awake and I saw the door and the wardrobe which has 4 tall doors in the room. the door and the wardrobe was side by side. I was awake as I feel but not sure of it. I was unable to detach which one is the door since all doors seemed to open to an another space rather than room or the inside. I was frightened and I tended to get out, but which one was the real door? it was hard to understand. When I was truly awake, I was sitting in the bed, frightened and ready to leave. But don’t know how did I get there as I shoul’ve been lying in the bed. In between my first awakening and the last (real) one, I was awoken thousand times, which I felt confusion on each and resulted thousands of oblivion everytime, that redepedly follewed eachother. All I could remember was the fear.

dream no.9 childhood fears

dream no.8 the dolphin and the fly upon the ocean.

dream no.7 the black half-man

a nightmare.

dream no.6 took a bare footstep in the sea where at the dark side of the moon.

dark and serene